feel like my marriage is just slipping through my fingers (long sorry)

[mrsmajeika]

Please someone help me I feel like something or someone in my life has died and I don't know what to do .Just over a year a go i posted this on a different thread under another name(have changed for this because ds and dh know my log in here )I can't believe how things have changed.

"We have been married for 17 and together for 23 ( blimey that makes me feel so old) and I can honestly say that i love him more now than the day we got married,he is my best friend ,my mentor and my lover all in one.I really agree that the most important thing is to respect each other and be kind,we do have arguments of course we do,although not often and we always try to say sorry ,it might take a while but we get there.!"

Its not like we are arguing its just like something indefinable has changed ,we're like two strangers in the same house,we don't seem to be on the same wavelength anymore,I know the first thing that some people will say is that there is someone else but I honestly don't believe that is the case .Although in some ways there is; and its work ,he has a very stresssful job nad we have had a year of really really long hours and in many ways I think he is exhausted ,sex is almost a distant memory I'm not sure if he is too tired or just doesn't find me attractive any more.

I know one of my problems is that in addition to long hours anyway he has now started commuting again ,why this should bother me so much i don't know as although he has been based locally for 4 years he has always worked all over the place but now he is no longer based locally anymore I just feel that everything is out of my reach again.He never leaves work anyway before 7pm and would regard taht as an early night but now he's got an hour and a half drive on top .

What has upset me this week i think is that a couple of weeks ago we had a week away on our own in Italy ,PIL sensed I think that we needed some space and offered to move in which was fantastic and we had a really good time and we relaxed and did things that are difficult with the children etc but all week it felt as if something was missing almost as if we were acting a part ,anyway a a friend asked me if I fell in love with dh all over again,and i just wanted to cry because despite all my hopes it wasn't like that apart from anything else dh 70% of dh's conversation was about work and the other 30% about things to do with the house !

I still love him ,he is my soulmate ,but i want my dh back and not this other person what do i do?

So sorry you're feeling like this . I can understand what you say about feeling like two strangers in the same house. Have you told DH how you feel? It sounds like the holiday made you realise how bad things had got between you - do you think he feels the same? Or maybe he's too wrapped up in his work. You're right working late at the office every night is a classic sign of an affair, but you know him best. Do you work at all?

Thanks yes i work and am curently ci=utting down to very part time from almost fulltime.One of the reasons is that now he is commuting again it has become impossible to manage ,also I feel one of us should be around at home more etc...not unhappy about this(relieve actually) but it's a good job because otherwise we would be stuffed.I know I feel hurt by the new job ,he used to work in this town before ,the commute was miserable and we agreed it would be the last place he would go again byut he has done and i was really prented with afait accompli,I have told him how I feel but I don't think he really understands your right he is too wrpapped up in his work.

sorry to hear about your situation too

Could there be some resentment on your part over him taking on this new job and long commute despite how you felt, and despite the impact it has on the family, particularly yourself re: the tiredness, lack of interest in sex, having to reduce your hours etc? I know that resentment can put a distance between you, and make you withdraw from someone, well it has for me.

Dashing out now, will check in later...

Yes,i know i have felt resentment,and i keep telling myself taht it is a done deal now,we have talked about it and I am being unreasonable but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I do feel hurt by it but I suppose I feel that the fact that we didn't really discuss it beforehand and he just went ahead and agreed is symtomatic of where we are ...I need to just get iover it but everytime I think about it I want to cry.We socialise with some of his partners and whenever they go on about how wonderful he is and how he is a one man marketing machine I just want to scream "at what cost"

It sounds like you're really angry and upset about it - does he know how bad you feel? Is it likely to be a long term situation or might he be able to move to a job nearer home in the near future? Feeling for you.

I can understand how you feel - but unfortunately my h was in the middle of an affair - he has since 'come back' and my old h is back with us (in fact even better in some ways).

I know lots of people blame mid-life crisis and depression when there is often someone else on the scence - only you can find out if there is. Do you think he is having serious doubts about your future together?
My h used to talk a lot about what he wanted for the house and the children when he was having his affair which sort of gave me hope but i think it is a classic sign (sorry) as if they are trying to keep up the pretence.

Anyway hope you can talk to him and i hope you do work it out.

I do think he does want us to be together ,i really don't think that there is anyone else,he has told me that he has felt very unhappy with his life for the last couple of years and I feel so awful about this ,he seems to be permanently exhausted but he is obsessed with making sure we are financially secure,this is partly because his family are not and are pretty dependent on us.I want to be more supportive but feel so lonely.

Actually I am not angry,I think that is what is worrying me I just feel sad and resigned.If I was angry somehow it wouldn't seem so bad but I feel almost numb about it.His attitude is that he has to do this "the business case is overwhelming and we can't stand still especuially in the current ecenomic climate"!The fact that it is personally painful is as far as he is concerned irrelevent we just have to grin and bear it.I would just add that he is one of 32 partners in this business so it doesn't all fall on his shoulders but if you listened him you would think it did.

We have faced tough things before but always together,it feels this time as if we are on differnt paths and thats what feels so worrying .Its the intimacy that we seem to have lost,the closeness and I don't just mean sex and I don't know how to get it back.

It might be him.

It might be you: you sound depressed, and emotional numbness and negative thought spirals are characteristic.

Of course it's probably a bit of both. But as you think that the current work situation for him is not fixable in the short term, why not look at you, and whether there is anything that you could do to get your mojo back? Might just be time off, might be a trip to the GP to discuss further?

While you're about that just make sure you and he plan regular breaks from work, make sure you have some thing to look forward too in a few weeks time, that sort of thing.

Chin up: you have been together for 23 years and so should be able to take a long view. This phase will hopefully pass.

I hope it will pass,of course it is both of us ,this is not about someone doing someething wrong it is about the fact that it feels as if the love is dying,we seem to have lost interest in each other.Last night was a good example,he was home from work about 9.45 (pretty avarage) I had just sat down to watch something with ds1 on TV (he is 15)and when the door went the last thing I felt was pleaure to see dh I just thought oh no I'm going to have to get up and deal with supper etc, selfish I know but thats what I mean,a year ago I would have been pleased to see him.He meanwhile was just irritated because he had to rummage in fridge for something to eat and slightly annoyed that I didn't want to eat with him (toolate).These are practical things but there just seems to be no joy left in the relationship.After a long day with children and a half day at work I don't really want to have to listen to all the politics at his place and whether they should recruit someone for such and such .....the point is I used to be be able to listen to him endlessly and tease him if he got too pompous about it andw we would laugh etc ,I can't seem to do that anymore

Have you had a chance yet to speak to him about the current situation? Maybe if you as him how he feels, if he's happy, in an ideal world, what would he do. If you let him talk, maybe you two can work out a solution which works for all 3 of you. (you two + work). You've been together for a long time, I feel you should talk about this together.

We did talk a couple of weeks ago,no point at the moment because he is too tired and we are having to support in laws through a difficult house move .I managed to persuade him to go to GP,in fact made him appointment,because he looks so tired and friends are always asking if he is OK because he looks so ill. GP wants him to go back for bloodtest ,highly unlikely I think!I think he does acknowledge that things aren't what they were but just hasn't got the energy to think about it .As far as he is concerned we are married,he loves us ,we have three great kids we just have to get on with it ,he seems to have shut down on the emotional front so I think I have retreated as well.For what its worth I think he is depressed but although he was very supportive when I had PND in reality he doesn't believe in depression he just thinks if you are unhappy thats just the way it is what mkes you think being happy is a right is one of his phrases.

You are right I need to let him talk but the work issue is non negotiable for him and I think that that is what has caused the problem.He knows that I would never end it so as far as he is concerned whats to talk about?