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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ok - I need someone to be completely honest with me and help me with DP

51 replies

LuckySalem · 16/07/2008 22:09

Me and DP are having trouble although I don't think DP is completely realising it as I don't really make it clear how annoyed I am with him sometimes - I tend to bite my lip instead.

I don't feel loved by him - just feel like we're two room mates. I'm not very loving back as I'm normally too knackered from dealing with clingy DD all day that I just want my space.

I've started conversations with him before about this, the last one was "do you think things are ok with us?" his answer was no - we need to be more physical. I tried to get sense from this but was annoyed that his first answer to what I thought was gonna be a sensible conversation seemed so flippant. (to me anyway)

I don't feel he does enough with DD as his idea of looking after her is sitting on the sofa with her in her bouncer while he watches TV - Feels like DD is missing out so I resent him for that.

He doesn't do much around the house - i'm lucky if he puts the dishwasher on or remembers to put the bins out on the right day. So that annoys me.

I went away for a couple of days just gone and came back to a house that stank of fags (we'd both agreed no smoking in the house) was a tip and the cats bowls were empty - water bone dry) Place falls apart if i'm not there.
When I got back one of the first things he said to me (before how are you, did you have fun) was we need to fix washing machine cos washing is piling up)

I don't think I love him and if i'm honest to myself I don't think I ever did. We both rebounded from relationships to each other then had a Missed MC so stayed together from that. Now DD is here it feels like I couldn't leave him for her sake. Plus we have a house (that won't sell in this climate) 2 cats etc etc.
Plus he's made it very clear that he would NOT be a weekend dad and would try for custody of any kid he had.

Now I don't know if i'm asking for a way to fix it or a way out.

I think I want to try and fix it incase I do love him but the anger is taking over. Problem is when he annoys me I say it in my head as I don't want DD to hear us arguing then it bites away at me over and over.

I think I need to be more forceful but don't know how. While I was away I saw my friend and her fiance interacting and you can see the love and respect between them - I don't see it with us.

If you've read this then well done for reading such a ridiculously long post. If you can help as well that would be brilliant.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckySalem · 16/07/2008 23:00

We've been swimming but never had cuddles. Either DP has DD or I do and the other goes for a quick swim

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/07/2008 23:01

Wake him up

nancy75 · 16/07/2008 23:02

luckysalem, maybe you need to have an argument, daft as it sound nobpdy goes through their life never having a row with their dp, get dd off to her nans and have a massive row if thats what you need, get it all out in the open, clear the air and have lots of fun making up.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/07/2008 23:02

I apologise - i think i'm ovulating

Original poster
LuckySalem · 16/07/2008 23:02

Dya know what I think I've worked out another problem.. DD needs her own room

I was just gonna say "I would but DD there" so maybe if DD was in her own room it would rekindle the romance abit.
That coupled with talking more might help things out abit.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckySalem · 16/07/2008 23:05

I think an argument might work but I'm just feeling so beaten down that I don't want to start one.

He feels like my dad so maybe thats why I don't argue with him?

OP posts:
nancy75 · 16/07/2008 23:07

putting dd in her own room made a difference to us definately. why does he feel like your dad?

Original poster
LuckySalem · 16/07/2008 23:09

Just some of the things he says/does.

I went away and we had a small disagreement before we went cos he didn't want me to take my car. Nor did he want me to visit my friends so it was like I was asking his permission but he doesn't ask my permission to do stuff, just tells me (on the very very rare occasion) he's going out but I ask.

He's 10 years older than me so maybe that adds to it.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/07/2008 23:11

Ah, yes. DD going into her own room, and then when DS was born - us moving into the loft room made huge differences.

Original poster
LuckySalem · 16/07/2008 23:15

I'm gonna have to make a list of things that I want to change and hope it doesn't become an argument

OP posts:
nancy75 · 16/07/2008 23:20

you do need to bring some of this up with him, you shouldnt need to ask permission to see your friends.

nancy75 · 16/07/2008 23:20

why didnt he want you to visit your friends?

Original poster
LuckySalem · 17/07/2008 20:36

Cos he'd miss me and it'd cost too much.

OP posts:
myredcardigan · 17/07/2008 20:54

I do think it willhelp when you put your DD in her own room. It did with us. I think the first 8 or 9mths after first baby arrives is the most traumatic time for a relationship.

But, I have to take issue with the posters on here saying 'he sounds like a typical bloke'. It is totally out of order for him not to be helping you around the house when you have such a young baby. Ilovemydog your comment putting down your friend's DH because he helps around the house is very depressing. Suggesting that housework is 'mothers work'. A decent man isn't ashamed to change his baby's nappy or load the washing machine.

nancy75 · 17/07/2008 20:59

luckysalem, ok if money is tight, then its tight and fair enough you have to live within your means, but to not want you to see your friends because he will miss you sounds odd, i take it you weren't going to be away from him for weeks? even in the best relationship you still need to be able to be your own person and have some time to yourself.

also, i agree with myredcardigan, a decant man will help out, even if its just to give you time to sit down and have a cup of tea after you have been looking after the baby all day.

ilovemydog · 17/07/2008 21:12

my red cardigan - you got the wrong end of the stick. The point I was trying to make is that some guys are typical males.

My DP changes nappies (reluctantly, but does so) washes up, cooks etc. But he also has absolutely no idea when the rubbish is taken out, nor who the DC's GP is. He leaves smelly socks around the house. This doesn't make him a bad father/partner.

My friend's DH wear an apron, does all the housework and cooking. And this is fine for them, but I wouldn't like it.

myredcardigan · 17/07/2008 21:35

But I disagree with your typical male comment.
You make it sound like a typical man will do his best to help a little but isn't very good at it. Will leave his clothes lying around like a child and would need a list left if his wife went away for a few days.

I just totally dispute this idea and I think it makes excuses for some mens' laziness.

DH plays sport, is football mad, goes out drinking with the lads and works in a very 'male' environment. But he does lots around the house and has always changed just as many nappies as me. He knows his way around their red book too and will take them for new shoes/items of clothing if he thinks they need them. My marriage is a partnership, just how it should be.

Original poster
LuckySalem · 18/07/2008 20:51

Well I've been to see my parents today and had a conversation with them as well.

They've agreed with you lot that I need to talk to him so i've told him tonight I need to talk and we need to have a serious sensible conversation when DD wasn't here. So he's agreed to set out a time for us to "have an argument then make up sex" which peed me off again.

I really want to write down everything that's pissing me off and talk to him but I think a list would definately start an argument.

Nancy - We could afford it easily. It was just an excuse for me not to go. He also used the excuse of he'd need the car for work (its 1.5 miles to his work)

OP posts:
StellaWasADiver · 18/07/2008 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LuckySalem · 18/07/2008 21:10

Thanks Stella - I think alot of it is down to sleep deprevation and I can't find anything in there that I love but that could be cos I'm sooo tired.

I'm going to try..... the few days away didn't seem to make him miss me as its back to normal. Although I think he missed DD cos he's been really nice with her since I got back.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckySalem · 24/07/2008 21:38

Just thought I'd do an update....

Me and DP talked and I have agreed that I think i'm mainly bored, tired etc so am picking on things and although yes he is annoying it never used to bother me but now with DD it does. So he's agreed to try not to be so annoying and help out a little more and i've agreed not to be so picky with him.

I also think I need to get some things for me to do outside of housework. I did look into fostering dogs as I would love to walk doggies but we can't really afford the vets bills (food is fine) but I found if you foster with a rescue they help with vets bills. DP thinks it may be ok but isn't completely convinced yet in case they are dangerous with DD but the rescue assures me they won't send dangerous dogs. We'll see.

I looked into getting pt job but with DP's hours there actually isn't any I can fit around him with.

I have also realised that I myself am depressed with me and the state of our house (started decorating 2 years ago and are no where near finished most of the rooms) so I need to fix me and the house.

It's more outside influences. I do love him and he is good to me (there are countless things he does that I ignore cos I'm so fixed on the bad parts) I think we just need to both think of each other more and act more as a family.

OP posts:
sheepgomeep · 24/07/2008 22:25

lucky

no advice just a bit of sympathy.

had similar probs with my dp when he worked where your dp is.

I just wish these employers who insist on these crap shift patterns could see what a detrimental effect they have on family life.

dp greatly improved when he worked somewhere else (still nights but better hours)

Mind you nows he not working at all he's actually very good with dd2

nancy75 · 24/07/2008 22:28

lucky, glad you got to have a chat to him and get some things sorted.
what about looking for a job as a dog walker (apparently they do exist my neighbour has one) that way you have to get up and go out, you can take your dd with you and you dont have the expense of a dog!

Original poster
LuckySalem · 25/07/2008 10:05

I was thinking about it - I'd have to advertise myself. The only problem is tax returns and CTC stuff.

OP posts:
madamez · 25/07/2008 10:09

YOu do need to get some sort of part time job or hobby: nothing is more demoralising than being SAHM with no income unless you are one of that very small number of people whom the lifestyle suits.
You could try Avon or Bettaware or something like that - lots of walking, very flexible hours and a nice way of getting to know people in your area. Oh and there is no star-up costs and while you won't necessarily make a fortune you will make a bit of extra cash.