end of friendship?

[Lucy123]

This is something that has been vaguely depressing me for months and I've finally decided that I need some ideas/thoughts from others.

I'll start from the beginning. I have always deeply valued good friends as I don't have many. I am usually the one to make the effort in staying in touch with people and even when friends live far away I tend to visit once or twice a year.

Now I live in Spain my good friends in the UK are even more important. I have 5 or 6 good friends, of which 3 have children.

The problem is that ever since dd was born (8 months ago) I have not been able to contact one of my best friends. Now this friend has always been rubbish at contacting me - she's forever losing my phone number and simply doesn't have time for letters (I think I've had 2 emails from her in total, but then she doesn't use email regularly anyway).

The phone is always on the answer phone - at first I tried phoning daily and left messages but wasn't particularly expecting her to ring me in Spain as she never does. She may have an international bar on her phone for all I know. I then phoned weekly and more recently monthly but to no avail. Last time the BT answerphone told me that I could not leave a message, suggesting that she is not even listening to her messages. I have sent one letter and one Christmas card, both mentioninag that I miss her.

I have worried about this a lot. It is possible that I have offended her in some way (I am not one for thinking before opening my mouth), but she wouldn't have stopped answering the phone just to avoid me - I don't see her or speak to her often enough.

Basically I think that either she is depressed and is shutting everybody out, or that she has decided to rid her life of all "unhelpful" people or something (but then that too would suggest something seriously wrong). If she is avoiding me then obviously I would rather like to know why.

Anyway I don't know what the best thing to do is. If she is depressed then would it be more helpful to her to keep on trying to contact her or to let it go (at least for the time being)? I would really like to visit but don't want to impose myself - how about if I write warning of a visit (and phone) and mention that I won't be offended if she pretends to be out? Any other thoughts?

Why don't you send her one last card saying that you're really worried about her but that this is your last try at contacting her. She knows where you are after all.

Sounds a bit harsh - but this is wearing you down and you're doing all the running. Had the same thing myself - friend reappeared seven years on and we are very close friends again. I think people just get tied up in their own lives, and it sounds as though your two lives are now very different - if she's a true friend she'll come back one day - maybe when she has a child too ?

Anything could be happening - it was a new man for my friend !

Oh, Lucy, how upsetting for you ? especially being so far away. I'm not sure I'm going to be much help, but I had a similar situation with a (formerly very close) friend a while back, and I never really did get to the bottom of it. Without going into boring and unneccessary details, it turned out that she'd got together with a new man who had problems of his own (extracating himself from previous marriage) and had just become totally absorbed in dealing with him and their new life together. I initially thought I must have offended her and was hugely upset when she forgot my birthday, which she'd never done before.
Your situation does sound a bit different, however, and without knowing details of your relationship, it's difficult to know whether she's taken umbridge at something or avoiding you for some other reason. I take it she didn't send you a card at Christmas?
Do you have any friends in common whom you could contact to see if you delve a little deeper ? perhaps just say you're worried about her (I would be, from what you say) and wanted to find out if everything was ok.
Wish I could help with this one. I had a card from my friend with a little present for ds at Christmas, after more than 18 months, which was lovely.

Lucy do any of your other friends know her, if so, ask them to find out how she is or if there is a problem.

hmm, I guess it could be a new relationship.

We have a couple of friends in common but they only ever see each other when I arrange it (if you see what I mean) and she already has kids - that's partly why I want to get in touch so badly.

And she has never sent any Christmas cards as long as I've known her!

Lucy123

I think you should write to her and explain how you feel and as Scatterbrain says tell her you would love to keep in touch but it is up to her to make the next move. If you hear nothing then best to try to put it behind you. I had a close friend for years, we were pregnant at the same time and enjoyed eachothers company - she moved to Spain to live and I have not heard from her since (neither have other friends) - some people are just very strange!

Lucy123 a similar thing happened to me a few years ago - in the end I decided that I had better get the message and leave well alone. Only to get a letter about a year later full of detail etc etc etc. Guess sometimes we are all so busy yet want to keep in touch with really good friends of the past that sometimes some of those friends have to leave things for a while, sorry probably not making much sense as rushing, but basically my friend had an awful lot going on in her life like I did but she made the decision to break away from a lot of friends for a while those she had to write to because of distance but it didn't mean she didn't care suppose she could have at least sent a postcard explaining briefly but then again pressures etc. Anyway if I were you now I would do as Scatterbrain suggests

I guess its the not knowing that makes it worse, i was b/f with this girl 5 years ago, we worked toegther until she met a new man (a real bad one), she decided to move away with him. She came round my house in the morning with lots of pressies about 50 quids worth, i was going out and she said she'd call the next day with her address and i never heard from her again. I called her mum and she said she wanted to start afresh with new man. I did send her a couple of letters to her mum to pass on, but never heard nothing, i would try one last try and then wait and see what happens.

ks, Maybe you should write her a letter, if you do not want to phone telling her your friendship has simply run its course, i am sure she must suspect something and this way it will get sorted once and for all. Good luck

ks - surely you haven't been leaving the phone on answer phone all the time just to avoid this woman? (if so maybe you are in fact my friend...) It is this that makes me think that perhaps it's more serious than just being busy etc.

If I were your friend I would rather at least know the situation anyway.

As to my situation - no, we never argue. The reason I think it's a possibility that she is avoiding me is that I have a terrible habit of making jokey throwaway insulting comments. I usually apologise as soon as I've said them but it is still a habit I have to break!

I had a similar situation a few weeks ago with an old friend of 15 years. We live a long way apart (wales and surrey), but have kept in touch by email and the odd phone call. She became a mum for the first time last year, and we regularly sent each other pics of our growing brood. However since we found out that ds2 had cerebral palsy ,I felt she was distancing herself from me as if she didn't know what to say. I simmered about it for a bit ,then when she finally completely ignored the latest update on him, and replied talking only about her dd I felt v hurt.
I wrote to her via email saying that i found her behaviour very hurtful, and that if she couldn't cope with ds2 and his problems then I would rather she said and we would stop contact, as we love our son fiercely and are very proud of everything he does. I got a reply almost immediately. She was so apologetic I felt guilty! She agreed she had been very lazy in replying and apologised if she gave the impression that she didn't want to be involved anymore. So it was all sorted by just coming out and asking what the problem was. Maybe you could do the same, then at least you would know for sure either way.