to those who are really assertive, how did you get like that?

[Gemzooks]

I really want to be more assertive and dare to say what I mean. those of you who are genuinely really assertive, how do you do it?

I think "this page" is very useful.

I'm German.

thumbwitch: LOL. Me too. Was told I was 'blokish'.

It's my profession which is mostly male dominated that allowed me to develop my assertiveness (to certain extent read agression). I am very intuitive and careful about who I am talking to in which way. I say it nicely once and might do it a second time round. Then it comes down to who I am dealing with and if I have to maintain a relationship with them. If they are subordinates and/or people I might not come in close contact with again and want nothing from, then the gloves come off and I'm being very clear and concise in phrasing what I expect from the and where the boundaries are. Always phrase your request in a way that focuses on the task at hand, not the person. This way you aren't really challenging him/her but describing the issue only.

If you're dealing with the likes of partner, family, friends, colleagues, etc. then the best course of action is to a) sound non-accusatory, b) do not use words like "always", "never", any black and white phrases, you get the drift. Make your request sound very neutral and ensure your voice isn't giving your nervousness away. Tone and slow precise speech will make you sound a lot more assertive and alpha, then what you say IYSWIM. Focus on the issue at hand, negate e.g. taking the kid out for MacD by saying: I'm afraid I have already made other plans for that WE. Or: Regrettably I am not available that evening, day, etc. I agree with others, be vague, do not commit yourself to anything. Say you need to check and revert. You cannot agree now.

Practice in shops, etc. with strangers, etc. say no, disagree. Go over convos in your head and have a few phrases at the ready.

Will check and revert.

Dont have my diary with me.

I'm afraid I already have plans for that day, evening, etc. (If asked what, then you can either say: You're not nosy, huh? or: It's private.)

Please make sure x y z is done in x y z way.

I'd really appreciate if you could do x y z next time you do it.

yada yada

Also: keep your tone confident as I said before and keep your eyes steadily on the person you're speaking to. Try it. You'll come across a lot more confident. We all communicate much more with our voice and body than with the mere words we utter.

Education did it for me. You educate yourself, about manyt things, and your confidence grows naturally.

Thoygh there are many people who are confident idiots - not the best way to be..

Id' also say learing to like yoruself - and keep an ounce of humility

People shouldn't mix being assertive with being blunt/agressive etc. Being assertive doesn't mean being rude to people and hurting other's feelings in order to get your own way. It is about reaching a compromise where both parties feelings are respected and no one comes away feeling like they have been bullied or intimidated or have lost self- respect.

exactly why i went on an assertiveness course, ellideb! although I wasn't THAT bad.

It comes with practise, but there are things you can change.

Have you googled "how to be assertive"?

It's all about HOW you say things.
e.g don't say "You are an idiot" say "WHat you have said makes me feel hurt, angry, upset..." whatever- that way, you explain how you feel, rather than insulting the other person or blaming them.

Loads of tips etc. Or if you can afford it, get yourself a confidence coach who can work with you for a few weeks.

If I'm honest, a very large glass of wine.

I now don't need it as people now think I am naturally outgoing

Which oddly now I am.

This is a very good book on assertiveness for women, slightly cheesy in the stereotype characters it uses as illustration, but well worth a look.

i'm a natural-born gobshite with a deep voice, a cutting tone and a stern face
i have to work to make myself appear friendly (although i actually am - i'm quite fluffy, really)
so, when i want to appear assertive, i just act natural, and it works
oh, i also have a very flexible accent, due to having moved a lot, and adapt it to circumstances
keep sentences short - like flibbertyjibbet said.....just say you can't do something rather than give people a chink in your armour

Years of practice, courses on oral communication from work, and various books - Deborah Tannen's "That's not what I meant!" is excellent (but her later one on men/women communication is crap - it's a small part of the first one padded out with stereotypes)

"I'm OK - You're OK" is a bit dated, but also was very good at showing me when other people were being aggressive, patronising or generally unreasonable at me, so I then had a chance to counter it.

I started to learn assertiveness at college when my counsellor pointed out that I was getting depressed instead of getting angry. I'm now very good at asserting myself when I know I'm 100% in the right, or in writing. Not so good when feeling I'm asking a favour or needing to 'butter someone up'. So MrNC asks the guy over the road to turn his music down, and I get jobs with mainly blunt men, and I deal with family and letter-writing.