How can I move on from this horribl experience?

[badheadache]

I'm a regular mumsnetter (been around since 2004) with a namechange, asbolutely not a troll. I hope you understand why after reading my post (sorry sounds a bit slef important, not meant to). It has taken some nerve to write this so please don't be too judgy.

I haven't told anyone about this except my best friend and more recently my new partner for reasons which I will explain later.

Around this time last year, I suffered a really horrible assault at the hands of someone who I thought was a friend - I can't really bear to recall the details of it even now. I had no intention of reporting it then and I don't feel able to now, because of the circumstances. We had already slept together before you see and I had been quite promiscuous before which I know some people would judge me for. Also I couldn't bear to face him and talk about what happened because I think he is the sort of person who would enjoy reliving things IYSWIM

Anyway my attitude was to try and just put it behind me, not smart I know but I really wanted to try and forget. Well that has come right back to bite me on the bum because I can't forget - I don't think I ever will

I have started suffering flashbacks which are very upsetting and quite intense. I don't know how to deal with these.

Also as I have got closer to my new partner I have started feeling intensely angry with him and I think it may be related to this. I don't mean I behave nastily to him but I often go quiet and don't talk to him - he is lovely, very kind, and does not deserve it. After one of these episodes I plucked up courage (?) to tell him as I felt he deserved an explanation for my weird mood and he was understanding, didn't blame me, although was angry on my behalf.

I don't know what I want but I needed to put this down in writing, to make some sort of sense of it because I want to try and move on. I want to deal with things and not feel so angry. I don't want it to spoil my new relationship. (Sorry what a lot of I's - how self centred!)

Reading back I see that I have gone a bit more than I intended to. Has anyone been through this? How have you dealt with it?

Thank you very much to anyone who has read through that.

I'm so glad to have helped I really hope this is the path to coming to terms with what's happened for you x

badheadache, you and threads like this help to reaffirm my faith in humanity, thank you for being you.

am glad you are beginning to feel better. you sound like such a lovely person who really deserves some happiness and relief from the horrible experience you have had. hurray for mumsnet

Badheadache - when you said not to be judgy I thought you were going to confess to some dreadful behaviour on your own part.

You are far, far more sinned against than sinning. It doesn't matter how promiscuous you have been, no one has the right to assault you. And your decision not to report it is not one for which you need apologise. It is a rational decision based on judging the chances of success with the chances of another bad experience and bad outcome. I would think you very very brave if you did pursue the case, but not culpable for "putting it behind you".

You do seem to be beating yourself up a lot and I hope the counselling you seek will address that.

Hello BH, I was date-raped by a friend of my friend at the grand old age of 42 (two years ago). It's a strange thing - because I wasn't thrown to the ground in the woods and threatened with a knife I had a hard time deciding if I had actually been raped and how much of it was my fault, whether I had led him on, etc. Actually, all I did was get drunk and fall asleep, so it wasn't my fault at all.

You seem to be taking some of the responsibility for your assault too. You aren't to blame in the least. Trust me. I think we take some of the responsibility as a way of coping with the randomness of it. We tell ourselves that 'if I hadn't got drunk, or been in his house, it wouldn't have happened'. We accept some portion of guilt because to admit to ourselves that totally random, shit things can happen in this world, absolutely beyond our control, is a very scary idea. We'd never go out again, would we?

But there is no reason we should not have got drunk or been in a certain place. It was up to him NOT to assault you.

Fortunately (maybe) for me, I have a mouth the size of the blackwall tunnel and told anyone who cared to listen about my experience. I'm not ashamed of it. It wasn't my fault. I think you could do with some counselling tbh. It may really help to talk it all through with someone non-judgemental ((()))

Thanks for sharing your story littlewoman. I think that's partly my problem not loud mouthed enough - I'm a pretty quiet, reserved keep things to myself kind of person.

However I've been told I will get an initial appointment within the next two weeks..I'm a little nervous but feel sure it's the right thing to do.

You know, even just typing things out on here has made a difference, I feel 'lighter'. It's almost been a bit like a turning point. That's a bit melodramatic but it really has helped.

And Amphibimum, I didn't want to let your comment pass without saying how much I appreciate it.

Thank you all in fact. Your kind comments have overhwelmed me a little. But in a good way.