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Original poster

How to handle racist MIL?

56 replies

MrsMacaroon · 09/07/2008 14:13

Almost every time I go and see her, she drops racist comments into the conversation...most along the line of- 'nice place but too many coloureds' etc

DH had told me her parents were ignorant and racist when we met (been together for 11 years, married for 6)and in fact he has no contact with them for many reasons. She is monumentally sensitive and bears grudges forever so she's very hard to be honest with (this is why DH doesn't see her- they fell out after he tried to have a heart to heart about past issues.

I take the kids up to see her about once a fortnight and so far have either ignored her comments, have reasoned a bit 'maybe you didn't like her/him because you weren't used to their accent...' (pathetic I know) and have pointed out that I am not racist and mentioned my best friend's partner is black and they have a child together who is like a nephew to me.

She just says- 'oh I'm not racist either, I don't mind chinese people...but did I mention that another polish family moved in down the road tuttuttut'

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMacaroon · 09/07/2008 15:02

oh, she's racist.

much as i'd like to kick her in the fanjo, i suspect i'll continue to shoe-gaze and feel ashamed on her behalf.

makes me feel all pathetic.

doubt i'd change her mind although she was a fervent homophobe before her DS2 came out...not that you'd catch her going for cocktails with the gay gang but she's accepted it, attended their civil partnership ceremony etc (had to make it clear that she doesn't believe in gay marriage to me though, natch)...

i just have a horrid feeling that she confides all these things in me as if we a likeminded.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 09/07/2008 15:02

but have you tried the naughty step UD?

UnquietDad · 09/07/2008 15:02

I also got "you would never have dared to speak to me like that when your father was here"

Original poster
MrsMacaroon · 09/07/2008 15:05

crivvens, unquietdad- it's bad enough when it's your MIL, don't know what i'd do if it was my mum.

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 09/07/2008 15:19

I don't think it's better that your dc hear racist comments when you are around rather than in the playground. By her saying these things she is giving your children the impression that it is acceptable. Then if they do it at school or somewhere else they will get into trouble with the teachers or get their heads kicked in!

What are you going to do when one of your children repeat what they have heard from their grandmother and you are in a lift. Are you going to continue to stare at your shoes then?

KerryMum · 09/07/2008 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sandy4 · 09/07/2008 15:29

naughty step is a good idea - how to fit all of them on is a problem.

ScotsLassDownSouth · 09/07/2008 16:26

My Mum still suggests sending out for a "chinky" (Chinese meal). It's what you do (or used to do) in Scotland. She won't drop the word although she condemns racism in all forms, always defending the refugee families who are housed on her estate.

She wouldn't send out for a "Paki" if she wanted an Indian meal, so why Chinky? I don't know.

Original poster
MrsMacaroon · 09/07/2008 18:02

yes, 'chinky' for chinese takeaway is still common here (scotland). MIL was born and raised on small island off west coast of scotland- uber traditional and religious which might partially explain her being small-minded but no excuse really.

Is this generational then? is it something that you just should shrug off thinking 'stupid old bastard' or is just easy to shrug it off if you're white...i'd like someone who isn't white to give me their opinion.

Is it the same as men having a conversation and one of them saying sexist things and others just uncomfortably ignoring them or is this more offensive?

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 09/07/2008 18:06

I usually say something like "I like living in places that have people from different countries."

It isn't offensive, hopefully gets the message across, stops the conversation, and shows your children that you don't agree with those sort of views

Monkeytrousers · 09/07/2008 18:11

Just tell her she's entitled to her opinions but not in front of the children. You can't change people like that. Just ignore them and either they get ot or they don't

cheerfulvicky · 09/07/2008 19:48

When I first went out with my DP he mentioned the word 'chinky' in relation to the choice of venue for our first date! I was quite surprised, especially as I had just moved from a very multicultural area of London down to 'Dark Ages' Cornwall. Thing is, down here people use that kind of word almost without thinking, they don't necessarily mean anything bad by it.

I told him a long time afterwards that it was lucky I gave him the benefit of the doubt or we wouldn't have had a second date! Haven't heard it from him since...

Califrau · 09/07/2008 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnquietDad · 09/07/2008 20:27

Agreed, I don't think people usually mean "chinky" in a bad way. It's not the same as the ranting "send 'em all home" rhetoric. More thoughtless than malicious.

ilovemydog · 09/07/2008 21:55

agree with you cheerful - was in cornwall a few months ago, and they were PAINTING THEIR FACES IN BLACK POLISH!

Not sure they mean to be racist - but they are!

AddictedToCake · 09/07/2008 22:21

I have similar problem with my dad (yes, blood relative). I've found it really difficult to deal with his comments especially when DD1 was old enough to understand. I went through a stage of, when he came to visit, literally screaming at him to either stop or leave my house. His response was just to laugh(!!!). I really believe that he can't change his mindset. It has got a bit better now that DD is older and we have conversations about how wrong it is to speak about people like that, she agrees strongly. So i think althoguh it's not ideal taht children are exposed to this sort of prejudice it can help them learn how wrong it is, but maybe that's just my twisted logic...

Original poster
MrsMacaroon · 09/07/2008 22:51

it's tricky when it's someone like MIL though, especially when we're only back in touch after long period of not speaking to each other...she's incredibly over sensitive when it comes to herself but has a serious lack of sensitivity towards others.

i'm always at her house so i feel uncomfortable telling anyone what to do/say in their own house.

bit of a rock/hard place situ

OP posts:
ninedragons · 10/07/2008 03:27

I am absolutely loving Madamez's "cunt" response. It's the perfect, unarguable position.

JessJess3908 · 10/07/2008 11:23

My nan and my g'dad (opposite sides) both had a tendancy to come out with racist comments. My mum used it as a way to teach me how not to behave. E.G. Silly old g'dad says the word '*' which is rude and would upset people if you said it/he's a bit ignorant because he didn't have any black friends in his class at schoool like you do so he doesn't know any better, only old/silly people talk like that.

It worked, as i grew up I'd cringe whenever I heard racist language. It's better to hear things like that at home where you can explain its wrong than for them to hear it in the playground and think it's ok.

Custy - please can you set up a profile page so that i can stalk you? Your posts always make me

ladylush · 10/07/2008 12:03

Your mil is obviously racist
It sounds like you are doing your best to challenge her without being rude, but she carries on regardless. I suppose you need to ascertain whether to make a definitive stand or whether to endure it.

Incidentally, did you know your nick name is rhyming slang for a racist slur? I'm sure you didn't (an unfortunate coincidence) but in the context of your thread it struck me.

Pinkglow · 10/07/2008 14:58

ohhhhhhhhhh my DH's mum, dad, brother AND gran are like this, does my head in (even though his mother is 2nd generation danish immigrant grrrrrrrrrrr) oh and they know my dads an american immigrant who takes great offence

for instance this black guy living on their road had his car broken into - DHs dad response 'oh i think the ppl who did thought he was a drug dealer' - no nothing to do with the fact he has the best car on the street then with the best CD player

my DH is the only one who is completely not like that but they keep winding him up about it which gets on his nerves - really going to worry me once our DS (who is yet to be born) is old enough to understand - might do what another poster suggests and to make an example of how NOT to behave

Original poster
MrsMacaroon · 10/07/2008 19:47

rhyming slang as in cockney? wouldn't know as am scottish ladylush...

OP posts:
Milliways · 10/07/2008 19:53

My MIL is like that too!

Once, at a Primary school play she commented "Did you see that girls bottom?" (They were dancing in tights & leotards). "Well, they all have bottoms that stick out like that don't they!"

I was mortified!

Also, the house prices are dropping due to all the Asians moving in.

If my DD started dating any non-Aryan I think she would explode...

Craftynap · 10/07/2008 21:41

re painting faces with black polish - were they morris dancers? if so not racist really..

reference to when a slave ship went down off cCornish coast, locals rushed to rescue survivors, many of which were Africans who ended up living free in Cornwall. I think the africans showed appreciation by dancing for their saviours and dances came from that. Not entirely sure of details though, not being a morris dancer myself of course, oohhh noooo not at all not me never (tinkle tinkle)

sandy4 · 11/07/2008 11:38

MrsM - maybe you need to suggest that your MIL should trace her family tree back to her African roots?