Partner showed my son bad youtube

[Calaman]

My son (9) has been asking what happened on sept 11th, I said "you know what happened, two planes were crashed into the world trade centre in new york". He said "yeah but then what happened?" so I said "they fell down".

He said "how many people were killed?" so I said "lots".

So partner said "for gods sake, just frighten the kids to death why don't you" so I said "I'm answering his question, whats the point in lying?" so he said "why don't you go one further and show him it on youtube?"

DS then said "oh? is it on youtube? Can I watch it?" so I said "no, its very sad" so he kept nagging about it saying he wanted to see what I saw on the news that day, partner said "just let him, other kids his age would have seen it on the news the day it happened"

But I know DS and I know how sensitive he is and how stuff plays on his mind so I said no.

Later on however partner showed DS the videos of the planed crashing, videos of the towers falling down and then videos of the people jumping. DS was quiet and depressed all night. I was angry at both of them, I said to DS "I told you you wouldn't like what you saw, why the hell did you watch it?" so he said "I just wanted to see what it was like, I didn't think it would be that bad". When he'd gone to bed (all upset) I asked Dp to show me the videos he'd shown DS and he put youtube on for me and loaded them up.

After seeing the people screaming and huge towers falling and the explosion from the planes I too felt very depressed and upset. So god knows how DS must have felt since he doesn't fully understand why it happened etc.

Am I being over protecting? DP still insists he's done no wrong.

I don't really understand your DP's reaction, first he had a go because you answered some questions and then rather than follow his own advice, he showed the Youtube clip?

Seems odd.

I thinkt he biggest problem is that he went behind your back and I don't think he is overeacting. Is he your ds's dad? You do need to sort out some boundaries. DId you explain why you didn't feel he should see them?

I wouldn't be bothered by my dd seeing htem, but then it wouldn't have upset her to that degree.

I think your dp was wrong. If you KNEW it was likely to give him nightmares and make him sad then your partner should have respected your views and not shown the youtube clips.

I don't think you should be cross with your ds though, it's not his fault. I think you should talk to him about how it was very sad but very rare that these things happen and that he mustn't worry about it.

My ds is ten and doesn't know about all sorts of awful things. Neither do I want him to, he's a child and I'd lile that to go on as long as possible frankly. He will find out about the real world and all the atrocious things in it soon enough.

i wouldn't have seen a problem with it, but see why you might.
you say "my son",is it dp's son aswell (or as good as in that he is a surrogate dad)?
if he is then this might just be one of those things you have to agree to disagree about.

Seeing still pictures in newspapers in one thing, seeing it in motion is one step too far IMHO. I have a 9 year old and by choice, I wouldn't show it. I would be cross if someone took that choice out of my hands. As for the RL people touched by it I am sure it is very difficult to see it on youtube or know it exits there.

You need to talk to your DS about it, the two of you.

I do think kids need to see things like that if they are curious but it needs to be done carefully and sensitively.

I remember taking the decision to look at some news reports about the tsunami with ds and he asked loads of questions and saw the pics. It did upset him but he's glad he did.

not sure about you tube though i have to say

Mind you I didn't go into too much detail about MM either.

I seem to be contradicting myself here

ds asked me the other day if MM had been found. I said "no. it's sad, I know" and he didn't ask any more.

sorry but MM?

madeline?

Yes to the MM. If you type the full name the ghouls come and post

I think that is very wrong of your DP. Children at that age (and lots of other ages) cant process things that horrific, emotionally. It was too much I feel too soon. Just wanted to let you know FWIW I think you are in the right. I would have answered the questions as you did.

I remember when the spaceship Challanger crashed I saw it live on TV and I was devastated. I wept and wept. I couldnt believe it had actually happened. I suppose one good thing might be that if it has a lasting effect on your DS it will be a positive one where he has a strong dislike for violence? Just trying to look on the positive side.

I think you're overreacting although perhaps I am not the best person to ask since I do not believe kids should be shielded from bad news. I think they should know what goes on in the world, even if it IS upsetting, because it's real life and we can't pretend that bad things don't happen.

I have always found the footage of 911 wrong. Watching it knowing that it is watching people dying, that it isn't just dust falling... it just seems wrong, in the same way that watching hillsborough footage would be wrong to me.

Yes, I saw it happening at the time, but going back and watching again almost feels like glamourising the deaths.

I agree with Branflake.
If the child was 5, I could understand.
I think 9 is an appropriate age to be talking about these things.

The issue is that your DP showed DS without you knowing, which must have been annoying, particularly after DP's previous comments.

I think as long as DS knows he can come to you with any questions, and trusts that you will answer them honestly, he will be fine.

Oh btw - I would have no problem with talking about and seeing photos, it is the actual filmed footage that bothers me

I partly agree with Branflake. At 9 I wouldn't send a child out of the room if that sort of stuff was on the news so why make a fuss about them seeing it on utube. The pictures of the planes crashing into the twin towers were horrifically spectacular. I would have checked the utube footage for a clip with no people in it though, just the planes crashing into the towers. Less likely to give nightmares.
I presume your partner isn't your son's father as you seem to wish to have control over what your son sees/ doesn't see and don't regard his opinion as equally valid.

I saw the tienenmin (sp?) square stuff when I was eight and I must admit it has 'stayed with me' iykwim. on the other hand it didn't give me nightmares or anything, it just made me think more about what was happening in the world and my place in it.