feeling like your daughters an alien

[Survivor]

my daughter has turned into the 'textbook' teenager. She no longer acknowledges my existence and has 'decided' to smoke, drink and date a 20 year old lad ( who is incidently very polite and quite chatty). My problem is that she no longer accepts anything I say. I cant even teel her that her pony tail is lop-sided (even when she asks!) If things dont change soon, I can see her moving out of the family home, and she is only 17. Please dont offer advice in the realms of 'it will pass' because this doesnt help at the moment. I need a quick fix in order to keep my daughter at home before she 'bolts'

You may not like this point of view but I think that the worst thing to do is be too strict that will just push her away. Is she just testing your boundaries and flexing her wings?

Is it time for some new ground rules and compromises? She is 17 and legally able to smoke so why not accept it but not in your house. As for the boyfriend you do say he is polite and there is only a 3 year age gap is it possible to talk to him? My mum was great with both my sister and I when it came to boyfriends, we knew her concerns but was always there for us. She was usually right but she let us find out for ourselves that her advice was worth listening to.

Remember you have given her 17 years of love, advice and guidance that should stand her in good stead.

I hope I remember this when my daughter grows up!

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How about suggesting making her room into a 'flat' complete with lock and no questions asked about what goes on inside? Make it a big thing and shove a tv in and plenty of ashtrays. EEEk! Negotiate with her as if she was a business over clean sheets and clothes, but make sure you never ever suggest going into her private space. If the boyfriend is OK you might suggest that you have no problems with him staying as long as he is 'responsible' he'll get the message!!! I know how I'd feel if someone suggested it to me but you said you wanted a quick fix!! You'd always know where she is and with whom. My daughter's friend's older brother is a Goth (yees) and all kinds of friends troop through their house to see him. He's weird and very rude but they know where he is and who he sees - most of the time!

Survivor, i agree with RobinW, you've done amazingly well for her to only start up at 17. What were you doing at 17. I'm sure most of us were already drinking, had smoked and were certainly into boys!! She sounds perfectly normal, in fact I'd worry if she wasn't doing any of these 'adult' things!!

Survivor you have done so well that this has happened at 17 and not in the preceeding 5 years. Do you think it would work if you said to her that you appreciate that she is nearly an adult and wants to do her own thing but as an adult she has certain responsibilities too - just like you do. Maybe say that no-one has ever smoked in your house and that will always be the way it is in your home. Tell her you think smoking is a hopeless way to treat your lungs but accept that nothing you say will make any difference BUT that she still can't smoke in the house.
I well remember all the gripes that my friends and I used to have about our parents and all I remember was those who lied least to their parents and were least rebellious were the ones whose parents tried to treat them like adults. I hope it all works out for you and your daughter.

Agree with her don't argue. If you think the boyfriend really is nice don't tell her for God's sake or she'll probably trade him in. Try to say the opposite of what you feel like saying, think B4 you speak. What a lovely hair colour, tattoo, piercing you have my darling, goes with your eyes, etc but no sarcasm pretend you mean it.
No smoking in the house, she'll thank you one day.
It's very easy to have 20 at home one after the other but not if you know you've got to go in the garden and it's pouring with rain.
Sex, can anyone honestly say their parents let them have sex at home at 17? No, let them do it in the car like we all had to. They'll be at it every 5 minutes if you give them the opportunity.
P.S Don't even think about going on holiday and leaving her on her own, sounds like she's at a very delicate stage.
Is she driving? Perhaps driving lessons in return for a happy house might be in order.
Keep telling her you love her, if she's dependant on you for lifts, money, etc she'll have to be more polite won't she?
I went through hell with my parents at 15, agree with her.

Survivor, dont worry. The best thing my mum done for me was not to nag (well not too much). I had to smoke in the garden as nobody is allowed to smoke in the house. I had my own key etc. (and a boyfirend of 27 to whom I'm now married to 6 years later!). The key was that I was trusted, and knew that breaking the trust would result in less freedom, it's a respect thing. I respected the rules of the house, and my parents respected me. Kia is right, negotiation is the way to go. Good luck

Sex in the car like we all had too? Lol, I definitely didn't have sex in a car as a teenager.

How on earth does a post from 2001 get found!