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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to end a friendship? officially or just try to let it fade away.......

23 replies

peacelily · 07/07/2008 22:21

I've never wanted to not see one of my friends before, sure I've drifted apart from some but I'd be happy to see them again if they emailed me.

This one friend I've known for 13 years, and I just can't be around her anymore, she's judgmental, manipulative and sanctimonious to a fault.

It's not my place to judge other parents parenting choices either but she's had her dc on bootcamp from day one. Every time I'm with her I feel anxious, I'm sure she thinks I'm the most unboundaried, lawless parent ever and my dd will surely grow up to veer wildly off the rails at the earliest opportunity.

I can't cope with her DM views about lone parents, education and they way she always manages to remind me how good her and her dhs sex life is (when talking about Miranda and Steve in Sex and the City Movie "oh well that's never been a problem in OUR relationship etc. etc").

At least twice a year we spend torturous weekends with this family. I feel like writing a letter saying we're too different these days but dh says it would upset her too much and I should just fade it out....

Anyone have any experience of this?

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 07/07/2008 22:24

Let it fade away. I had a toxic friend, and gradually we saw each other less and less (on my engineering. I don't think we even do chirstmas cards now.

MrsMargolyes · 07/07/2008 22:24

Your dh is probably right.

harpomarx · 07/07/2008 22:25

once cut a friend off completely, but that was because of a particular incident that was inexcusable. I never spoke to her again.

In your case, I would just fade it out. Make excuses if she contacts you until she gets the message. If she does confront you then you may have to say something but I would probably gloss over your reasons while still fading it out, iyswim.

luckylady74 · 07/07/2008 22:27

Fade it out unless she is very persistent/confronts you - that would be my cowardly way out - is wanting to confront her in a letter maybe a way of venting your frusration? She must feel the differences too and perhaps she'd like a break.
If there were no positives I wouldn't continue whatever.

mrsruffallo · 07/07/2008 22:33

Fading is easier all round. Be busy the next few times she tries to arrange things.

ilovemydog · 07/07/2008 22:34

Just fade away....

Had a best friend who was great when she was in control and being alpha female, but after I had DC1, couldn't be bothered with the charade.

Get the occasional wide distribution email, but nothing other than this.

Original poster

peacelily · 07/07/2008 22:35

we have just had a weekend at her gaff which is always more pressured and I was prepared to just say goodbye and leave politely but she booked them in for a weekend at our place in september before we could leave.

she always does this whereas i tend to try to leave things more floating as it were. One of her other Uni friends has cut ties with her. If we drift off too surely this must say something to her? Surely she can't be so lacking in self-awareness that she doesn't examine her behaviour a bit when this happens? I know I would.

Since she's become a Mum she's become a bit of a psycho and horribly controlling, very strange and her dc is so controlled too, it's ALL about behaviour, never about relaxing and having fun and being a bit giddy. Everything is rule bound, I cannot cope with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

peacelily · 07/07/2008 22:37

I knew she was losing her grip on me when she wnet into one of her sulks (she does this regularly and you can never pin point what you've done to offend her, she then makes everyone tip toe around her til she decrees to be normal again) and rather than panicking and trying to appease I really wasn't botherd at all and just ignored her.

It was the first time I haven't felt anxious in this situation.

OP posts:

berolina · 07/07/2008 22:40

I have had a friendship ended per official announcement (our lives had just become too different, plus he had hurt me rather badly years before and things had never really recovered) and it was just awkward and horrid and unnecessary, really, as it was already fading out.
Your dh is right. Unless, of course, she asks specifically, in which case your 'we're too different these days' is enough.

berolina · 07/07/2008 22:40

she, not he.

ingles2 · 07/07/2008 22:42

I would just fade away if she is not local to you.
Send an email saying you've just realised you can't keep that date and you'll contact with another....then don't.
Hopefully she'll get the hint

S1ur · 07/07/2008 22:44

done both.

fade away better for all concerned.

luckylady74 · 07/07/2008 22:47

cancel september with an unmissable anniversary party/wedding/ appointment type excuse. Then say you will get back to her about rearranging because you have a lot on/ things planned/ swimming lessons/what ever aand can't pin a date down at the moment.

Quattrocento · 07/07/2008 22:48

I like the idea of a Death of This Friendship Announcement Cards, on the model of a Birth Announcement card, but perhaps with a funereal touch.

Mr & Mrs Peacelily are pleased to announce the Death of our Friendship

Date: Today
Time: Couldn't be too soon
Weight: Too heavy all round

No flowers

Original poster

peacelily · 07/07/2008 22:51

lol quattro, the problem is I lose all my assertiveness when I'm with her/talking to her because i think for years I've essentially been scared of her! And I'm quite a feisty person!

OP posts:

Original poster

peacelily · 07/07/2008 22:52

Thanks for the advice ladies bed time now!
xx

OP posts:

luckylady74 · 07/07/2008 22:52

email/ text and then get your dh to answer the phone and say you are out

solo · 07/07/2008 22:53

This happened to me with a very judgemental friend of 13 years too. I allowed her to carry on with her bossy, snidey, selfish ways for most of those 13 years, but she had a very personal conversation with my (now) exh and I put her right...she knew what she'd done and I told her it was inexcusable and unacceptable. We met again after 15 years and were polite. We've seen one another a half dozen(at most)times since then(5 years)and we get along ok, but I'm not in any rush to establish a relationship with her again...too bloody nosey for one thing!
" What happened, if you don't mind me asking"? regarding my second marriage breakdown(this was after only seeing one another again on the third occasion - we were all turning 40)I said, " yes I do mind, it's personal". She didn't ask again and I felt empowered for once in her company .
It may be good to tell your ' friend' the reasons you don't wish to continue your friendship. She may genuinely not know why she's losing her friends...

onthepier · 07/07/2008 23:33

I had a friend like this, got to know her at the ante-natal group when our oldest children were babies. We met up regularly for nearly 5 years at toddler groups + sometimes by ourselves, always her instigating it. She criticised everything I did with my child and was very patronising. (She was like this with others as well).

Luckily we live in different towns so the children, (now 10), started different primary schools. That really helped me make the break as we weren't running into each other.

Luckily I've got call screener on my phone, so I just didn't pick up whenever she called + didn't return messages.

The phone calls tailed off, I think she got the message! If we see each other in town now it's just a quick hello + that's it. It was a relief to be rid of her!

warthog · 08/07/2008 12:29

i think you should cancel the september visit and if she wants to rebook, don't commit to anything. have a breather and see if anything changes.

Original poster

peacelily · 08/07/2008 20:12

I have been thinking about this a lot today and apart from just not getting on anymore there's indivators that she can actually be quite spiteful.

Or maybe I'm just being paranoid but juts prior to my wedding I was stalked effectively by a male friend of mine and dhs at first it I just thought he was being a good friend but as the wedding got nearer and nearer he got wierder and wierder. caused a lot of stress around what should have been a pleasant time.

yet since then everytime we see her she brings it up in some forum, usually out of the blue, why? What purpose does it serve apart from upsetting me and dh and making us feel uncomfortable? one time she said "oh i was soooo happy in the run up to my wedding but yours was overshadowed by that ..... thing wasn't it so that sort of spoiled everything" this was said mid curry whilst the 4 of us were out.

The this weekened out of the blue when there was a lull in conversation again over a meal "oh do you still have any contact with x?" WTF!!!!

I think I'll tolerate the september visit as she's due her secod baby in oct then let things fade out

OP posts:

annh · 08/07/2008 20:48

I don't agree - why should you "tolerate" visits from someone who is supposed to be a friend? Take another poster's advice and cancel Sept, given her imminent birth you have the perfect chance not to rearrange and hopefully the new baby will occupy her sufficiently to move any future dates out into never-never territory.

shreksmissus · 08/07/2008 22:29

Message withdrawn

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