Scared i can't cope!

[juliec26]

I am sitting here crying, drinking wine yet again as my H has left me saying he doesn't know if he loves me in the right way anymore we have a dd who is 2 - He has been gone a week and came back yesterday as he wanted to spend the day with us - I feel like it has made me feel 10x worse as I now feel desperate to see him. He has agreed to go to counseling, which is booked for Thursday, but I am just scared he doesn't really want to fix this as has fallen out of love with me -I know there is no one else involved, but I am devastated that he never said he was unhappy before. We never argue and this whole situation has come as complete shock to me! I just feel that I am losing it and don't know how to cope with every day life - I was made redundant from my job last week and now I feel that I am on a downwards spiral - any advice would be appreciated - do i just tell him I have made his mind up for him and tell him its over or do I hold on to the little bit of light there might be and live in limbo for the coming weeks, months??

I'm really sorry.

I think you should keep an open mind and go to the counselling and take it from there.

But you have to be able to accept that if he has made up his mind, there is nothing you can do about that. All you can do is take care of you.

Wait. See what happens on Thursday. But also take time to think carefully about what you want. Not what you can do as kind of a knee-jerk reaction to what he has done, iyswim.

I just want us to be a family - There have been times when I haven't been happy, but I guess as a women you carry on and hope it gets better, which it did! - I can't bear the thought of spending my nights how I am now - feeling lonely and desperate!

It must be horrible. I am really not the best person to advise you because I haven't been in your situation. Sadly, many mners have and I am sure they will be along to give you the benefit of their experiences.

This is a bad bit - limbo. Not really knowing one way or the other is probably harder to deal with than anything else. Just try to hold on until Thursday and then make full use of that time to talk AND to listen.

adding my sympathy.

I cannot advise, I am sorry, but I sympathise.

and we can listen while you pour your heart out too.

hi there, I can't really add anything as I've not been in this situation either - but I thought I would bump this for you. Really sorry you're going through this, it must be so hard to be in limbo. I would definitely hang on for the counselling though, try and take care of yourself until Thursday. Don't try and make any decisions yet.

So sorry. We have reached that stage in our relationship before as well.
I was 8 months pregnant with our first DC, DP decided he cared but didn't love me and left. For me it came completely out of the blue although he said he had been feeling this way for a while.

No-one can tell you what to do for the best as i'm sure we would all react differently. Do you know if there is a reason he doesn't know how he feels. You say you don't argue, but do you communicate well?

The best thing you can do for yourself (and probably your relationship) is to hold your head up high and put on foot in front of the other.

Julie, what makes you certain he's not seeing someone on the side? Where has he been staying?

I wouldn't let him treat you this way. You can't control him but you can certainly keep your pride. Tell him to get his act together or move out permanently and prepare to pay maintenance. You married a man, not a child and you don't expect to play this game with him.

It's heart wrenching but it will be a lot worse if you let him play you like a yo-yo. Demand respect, it's something to hang on to when the rest goes to shit.

Julie, are you still there?

oh you poor thing must feel like the end of the world

look, he has said he does not know if he loves you in the right way, not that he does not love you at all.. so maybe there is some hope?

don;t tell him it is over right now, wait for the counselling and take some time.

maybe some breathing space will do you both good?

has anything happened, even something small that might have made him think about things in a big way?

I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this. It must have come as a shock to you.

What you need to realise is that you are mourning the loss of your relationship, similar to mourning the loss of a partner who has died, except that in some ways it is harder for you because you are still clinging to hope of reconsiliation.

I think for now you need to cencentrate on the present, you are allowed to mourn, but make sure it isn't indefinately. You are allowed to be stressed at the loss of your job, but don't let those feelings overwhelm you or take over or be at the forefront of your mind all the time.

You need to accept that for now the relationship is over. Don't live in limbo. Be strong. I know it is easy for me to say and not so easy for you, but things will get easier, whatever happens, and you have the chance to make the most of every situation.

Even if he decides not to come back, there is no reason you will be lonely and desperate for ever. He is not the only man in the world. Focus on yourself, as there is nothing you can do right now to sway him either way.

I'm still here reading everyones advice and thanking you all for caring - just don't know what to do - so sad and lonely right now x

I think men can often struggle with the transition from boyfriend-type husband - going out, having fun, sex whenever... - to dad, with the responsibilities that entails and the realisation that they are no longer the centre of the entire universe.

I don't really have any good advice apart from to not let him treat you like you don't matter - you're his wife and the mother of his daughter and you deserve some respect and love, not to be treated like you're disposable.

Poor you. How awful.

I think you should sit down and write down your biggest questions. Make them concise, so that you get decent answers out of him.

eg, q1) so, you don't love me.... but what does that MEAN ??!? Will he try to love you?

You need to know. Once you do know you can deal with it. The dealing with knowing won't be easy I'm sure, but you will feel better.

Thank you all so much for your word of advice - I have no answers to why he feels how he does as he just says he doesn't know - I have spoken to his family who say he had a terrible childhood - dad left, mum ended up sectioned.. he just never talks about how he is feeling and never has in the whole 5 years we have been together! - I am hanging in to the counseling session on Thursday in hope I gain something from that! x

Nothing could be worse than living in this perpetual state of torture and insecurity. Maybe if the relationship finished, there would be a hill to climb (so to speak) but then you could begin to feel better eventually.

Maybe he did have a terrible childhood, but you can't undo that and you can't fix it.

You tried to be a good friend and wife to him, and if that wasn't enough then it wasn't your fault.

{hug}

your right the not knowing is by far the worst part - wondering if tomorrow will be the day he says he is never coming back!! part of me wants to tell him to never come back so I can put it all behind me and move on, but then i hear my dd ask "where is daddy mummy "and it breaks my heart! and i love my h and want us to be a happy family and get through this! x

That gets easier, telling your dc that Daddy not around. When I first had to do it, it weighed me down so heavily, and I really felt that I'd failed my DC so badly. It doesn't go on and on like that though! Thank goodness. I just get on with being the parent now, I don't feel every day that I'm failing DC not at ALL. I see plenty of positives to the happier atmosphere.

There is nothing worse than being dragged down by somebody else's moods or having to feel grateful that somebody has deigned to grace you with his presence.

Sorry if I sand too harsh to your husband. I'm sure he's not a bad guy. But right now he's doing what's easiest for him.

You have to stay strong because you have your dd to care for. He probably should have bottled up his feelings until he had made a decision. Go? STay? Coming and going CAN'T be an option.

I know that when my children are old enough I can tell them I tried and that is a comfort. But you can't pull The Waltons out of a bag honey! I hope and trust, that they will understand that.

Take CARE..