What would you do??

[hopeful1]

Hi,

I am having great problems with MIL. She has been unpleasant to me since she has met me. I have always kept patient with her, but she has often had a 'tantrum' and screamed and shouted at me because she cant get her own way. She told me two days before my wedding that she was not excited and that her son would be a million miles away from her, we only live 15 minutes away and she sees him twice a week. She blames me if he puts on weight or if his hair isn't brushed.It has caused lots of arguments between DH and me as he has grown up with this and sees it as normal, whereas I have a loving family and this behaviour is odd and unacceptable. I have tried going round for tea as she has asked and taken her and FIL (who sits on the fence) out for the day but she always makes unnecessary comments. She tells DH that I am too sensitive. During one of her tantrums she said that that I was brought up badly and what was my mother thinking when she raised me, which I will never forget. She has also told me that I am ripping her family apart (by marrying her son). She always says that it takes time to build up a relationship but everytime I try she ruins it but insulting me. Everyone commented on the wedding day that she looked thoroughly miserable (4 months ago). After being shouted at once again nearly three months ago I am no longer talking to her and she keeps telling DH she doesn't know why. She said if I have a problem I should talk to her about it.....tried that on many occasions and within weeks she is back to usual self. I haven't been more assertive becasue trying to protect DH and don't want my sister in law and FIL to hate me as well. However, to complicate matters she wants to give us a 4 bedroomed house (her deceased mothers) which she is extremely attached to which is down the road from her. Its my husbands dream to live in it. We have argued about it so much in the past. He is willing to buy a place together but we would have a large mortgage. She is clearing the house of 30 years of old belongings, which I stipulated before moving in but so far it has taken her 4 months to do a couple of cupboards. She currently leaves her husband every evening in her marital home and sleeps in this house to protect the belongings in it in case someone breaks in (not sure what she would do if they did). I am really scared if I live there she will always manipulate and control us even though DH says not. But we would be mortgage free and I could give up work to look after kids (currently having fertility treatment) which I have always wanted to do.....what shall I do.....help, any advice????!!!!!! DH says it will all be okay. My family understand but think if we dont move in I will be cutting my nose off despite my face!!

Your MIL is toxic and your husband should be backing you. His first loyalty should be to you as his wife and he should be putting her in her place. Unfortunately as you rightly surmise your husband is conditioned to her toxic behaviour and sees it thus as "normal". It clearly is not.

It sounds like she wants to maintain the parent/child dependent relationship with her son even though he is now an adult. She wants him to still be dependent on her; she wants to be needed. She likely as well wants to make him choose between you and her.

Would suggest you also read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

Would not let her husband off the hook either; he is a bystander. Men to such toxic wives often play such a role for a quiet life; the attention is not on him you see.

Would not move into this 4 bed house under any circumstances. It will just become another stick to beat you and emotionally blackmail you both with.

Ultimately you may well have to cut them all off and have no contact.

Do not move into the house. Offers like this are a way to control and manipulate you. She sees it as 'her' house and will be in all the time, probably with her own key, and not see it as yours at all. She will try to control how the house is run and your DH sounds like he will let her. She will use it as a stick to beat you with and something to throw in your face constantly.

My granny offered to pay for my mum's sterilisation when the NHS was going to take 2 years. My mum wisely saw this for what it was (Granny sounded a lot like your mil) and said no thanks.

Perhaps if she could sign it over you could sell it!!

Your post confuses me a bit because its in two parts.

MIL needs to look at her behaviour and try to hold back and needs to be told BY HER SON that this is the case.

You also need to toughen up and not take her bitching personally. What does she know about how your mother raised you? You know you were raised in a loving home, that's all that matters. Its actually none of her business and I think you can tell her that.

As for the house, if it becomes 100% legally yours, take the thing! God. If you could live mortgage free and look after your children as you want to, then that's fantastic.

I hope you work these two things out, I really do. Update us!

If you do move in, change the locks
But I agree it's an attempt to steal your married life and turn him back into her baby son.

It is vital for your marriage to survive that you do not live in this house.

You will never be able to forget whose house it is.

You will be reminded all the time and have to be beholden to this woman.

When you have your children, the toxicity will increase ten thousand fold. I guarantee it.

I have a controlling MIL and I won't accept a single thing from her because I refuse to let her have anything she can throw back in face when I don't comply with her unreasonable demands.

It's vital you and your DH strike out alone, as a united pair. You'll have a mortgage, yes, but you will be beholden to no one and answerable to nobody but yourselves. That is worth so much more than a house.

It's not as a snub against his mother. It's a way to protect yourselves. Don't let her have any hold over you. She sounds horrible.

Thank you so much for all your emails...I know you are all right. I have odered toxic inlaws and waiting for it to arrive.

It got so bad, I went to counselling to try and work through these issues with evil MIL but she wouldn't meet me half way. She said that I was new to her family I was expected to do all the work. She told my husband a couple of months ago that she had a difficult MIL and therefore why shouldn't I.

No reasoning with this woman....been really patient but quickly running out!!!!!!

This website is such a fantastic support.....thanks x

Hopeful, you sound like you're really done your best. I don't think you can do anymore. Protect yourself and your marriage.

All the best.

If you are going to accept this house, there are going to have to be conditions on your part i.e. the locks must immediately be changed, the house will be in your and your husband's name, your husband needs to make sure that his mother understands that it is a gift and not a hold over either of you (I would personally want to be there when they had that conversation to make sure that they both understood).

If you take the house you will never be able to redecorate or throw any of grannies stuff out w/o a trantrum from your MIL - she will accuse you of being an ungrateful b*tch for the rest of your life and will probably end up living with you.

It doesn't sound worth it to me. If she really wanted to help you out, she'd sell up and give you a nest egg.

Even then you'd never be able to forget how much she's helped you.

If someone gives you a gift, it should be without strings, guilt etc. Not a means to exert control over you.

I know you are all right but DH has such happy memeories of growing up there and he wanted to raise his family there too, and I guess I feel that maybe I should comprimise and do this for him (or us) and not think about the fact it has come from a controlling MIL who has an unhealthy attachment to this bricks and mortar!!

Sorry to go on but this will be more than a compromise to be honest if you live there. You know this.

You can't not think about your MIL's position of power over you if you live there. She's already shown herself to be toxic. She won't change.

When you live there, she'll also be at this house every day because she will still see it as hers. She'll be telling you what you can and can't do and how very ungrateful of you when she's given you this home and all you want to do is do your own thing and not let her 'help' you and interfere with your parenting etc.

Still, at least you're not going into it with your eyes shut.

Hi hopeful

Re your comment:-

"Know you are all right but DH has such happy memeories of growing up there and he wanted to raise his family there too, and I guess I feel that maybe I should comprimise and do this for him (or us) and not think about the fact it has come from a controlling MIL who has an unhealthy attachment to this bricks and mortar!!".

But you must think that this is coming from a controlling MIL. If you redecorate it she won't like it. She won't like anything you try and do to the property. You both need to strike out on your own, you cannot let her have such a hold over you both as she will use it as a stick to beat you both with.

You compromise on this and give in, you compromise on everything to do with your marriage. You then give your MIL control - which is what she wants. Her behaviour is abusive in nature - this is about power and control over both of you. Her behaviour is not healthy and comes from an extreme form of anxiety (that's no excuse for her actions btw). After all this is from a woman who said to your husband that she herself had a difficult MIL so why shouldn't you?. Such toxic people do not change; they cannot or will not ever accept any responsibility for their actions.