Probably been done to death... but my "D"H's slovenly habits are driving me round the effing twist

[cornishzulu]

Mumsnetters!!

What should you do with a 35 year old man who is constitutionally incapable of washing a dish, picking up dirty laundry or cleaning up after himself. We moved to new house 10 months ago just before DS was born and still tripping over CRAP!! He throws used tissues on the floor, leaves congealed snot in the basin and bath; his ties, shoes, wallet, belts, cufflinks are all over the house. We are drowing in unfiled paperwork and I have calculated that I have reminded him over 25 million times to take out the recycing since we have been married. He treats the floor like a vast tip.

What is to be done? I am constantly SEETHING and CHURNING inside and would like slap his littering face. Oh, and to add insult to injury - he feels entitled to watch 14 hrs of sport every weekend.

I am beginning to hate him and his filthy little ways. ADVICE PLEASE.

He is far from incapable of doing these things, he simply chooses not to. Fucking disgusting though.

It is simple, one of you needs to change. Either you need to learn to accept a lower level of cleanliness or he needs to get his ideas together. It's unlikely that whining at him will work so you need to get tough.

I would bet money on the fact that his mother did everything for him when he was growing up and he had no household responsibility.

LazyLine

He is an only child. She STILL does everything for him bar wipe his bottom. I am at my wits end

There's a survey somewhere that shows that married men who help out with housework etc have a much better sex life than those who don't.

Seek it out to show him - talk to him in his language

Disclaimer - I am not the person to dispense relationship advice, as my 45yo partner has just got me pg for the second time then naffed off with a 17yo.

We would have sex constantly if he cleaned up his act. I find him so unattractive now and I am constantly tired what with the baby and working. Sorry about your partner - sounds like a right bastard.

Separate the sport and the cleaning, otherwise he will feel picked on. Work on the cleaning and then save the sport for later. Or start doing something yourself at the weekends, leaving him with the children.

How would he react to an ultimatum? How does he see the cleaning? Is it that he doesn't think it's there, that he has a different standard of filth cleanliness? Does he just think you are there to pick up after him? Have you discussed it before and what does he say?

"There's a survey somewhere that shows that married men who help out with housework etc have a much better sex life than those who don't"

interesting.... goes to search! ;)

sit down conversation.

split of chores

you both agree - he is to do certain things.

so far from it being that you are 'nagging'

you are then setting an agreed routine.

things like

he empties the bins, takes them out sorts recyling.

he watches the kid on xxx

he washes and irons his own stuff.

he cooks on sat sun

?

or whatever

should add - you agree that you do certain thngs too ( prob what you are doing) so he can see there isn't an equal division of labour

sorry but 'snot in the sink and bath' WHAT??!?!?!?

Right on Custardo. I did this after complaining about my lazy fecker DH a month or so ago. We split the chores and guess what, last night, he made me sit down whilst he did everything (and it didn't even appear to be an attempt to get into my pants ).

I feel your pain. I go through stages of one week not minding doing more than my fair share of housework, and the next absolutely fuming because DP seems incapable of picking up a pair of pants from the bathroom floor. (why?? can he not see them?? does he think they look nice on the floor?? maybe he thinks I will take one look at his filthy underwear and want to have wild dirty sex on the bathroom floor???!!)

Definitely splitting the chores helps. I've realised that I'm always going to do more, I have a lower mess/dirt threshold and am generally less of a slob. But DP has eventually realised that he must empty the kitchen bin, vacuum occasionally, do the high up dusting, and wash up if I've done the cooking. With him leaving clothes, etc on the floor I kick them under the bed so I can't see them, and just do mine and DS's washing and ironing!

Hi All

Thanks for posting. Have often been left wondering the same about the pants on the bathroom floor too... What's up with that??

Anyway, yes. we have talked ENDLESSLY. Ended up in counselling at one stage. He says things like "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO - GIVE UP MY JOB?" when I ask him to empty the bins or stack the dishwasher.

He says he "works his cock off" (I wish) and apparently doesn't believe that he should pull his weight at home therefore.

Like I said WITS END

I'd leave used STs everywhere till he got the picture.

it's not even about him pulling his weight though, you have to tell him.

There are plenty of people (myself included) who split their labour so the DH does next to no housework (though he will if I ask (disclaimer)). This is NOT the same as putting your rubbish in the bin, clothes in the basket, tissues in the toilet, snot where it should be [barf] etc etc. There is a difference between not doing any housework (or splitting the housework so that you are both happy, regardless of what that split is) and him treating you like a maid.

Firstly, decide how much you want to do? Exactly what do you want him to do? In such a case as your DH, I suggest starting with the non-maid respect thing, whilst you maintain the normal chores to start, otherwise you are setting yourself a task and a half. Maybe things will seem a bit better when he's not treating the carpet like his own personal bin?

Exactly. There is a difference between him being excused household chores because he 'works his cock off', and him being completely disgusting.

'snot' in the sink and the bath

I pile up DP stuff somewhere I can't see it. It gets bigger and bigger and he can't find anything it will be in the pile. Still drives me nuts though x

Yes. Snot in the sink and bath. And once on the shower tiles. Eu.

This morning I discreetly left the fresh brush and parazone on the toilet he uses and gently reminded him to give it a clean.
Also, not turn the house into a snot-pile while I am at work.

Maybe I will do as you say and put his crap in a pile until he notices that the Magic Laundry Fairy has not mysteriously replenished his sock and underwear drawer.

Maybe I will take pics of all his filthy little habits and send them to all his friends... and end up looking like a nut-job harridan!!

Or maybe I will employ a maid service and charge it to his credit card. He's not short of a bob.

OMG!!!!

If reasonable discussion has not worked then I would stop doing all chores for him. Stop doing his laundry. Stop cooking his meals (cook for yourself and ds, obviously! ) Stop doing his washing up.

It may sound childish but I went on a housework strike and now dh pulls his weight much better. He is an only child as well - and his mother also tidied up after him. As I keep reminding him I AM NOT HIS FUCKING MOTHER!!

He sounds like a cock, btw. I'm sure he has many redeeming qualities. I bloody hope so, anyway.