OMG....i think i need anger management classes!!!!

[micci25]

me and dp and the dds were in the town this afternoon whiel he was looking for some tee shirts or something to wear for a 70's thing we were meant to be going to.

we were late, which of course was all my fault. the dds were being whingy as they were hungry and he could not stop moaning!

the last three weeks or so he has been in a constant mood with me and i am sick to death of putting up with it. the last three days i have done nothing but bend over backwards to try and make him happy, but it seems i cant do anything right.

he was mummbling on in the town about being late for this party thing so trying to help i said
"well you go on your own if you want and then ill be able to get all your things ready while you are in the bath and it will be easier"
of course that wasnt the right to say. he started going on about how we have paid for the tickets already etc and then said "we are only late becuaes you slept in this morning because you drank too much last night"

i actually picked the buggy up of the floor and went to hit around the head with it!!! i realised what i was doing, fortunately and stopped myself. but my temper is still at boiling point. he is out atm going to this party alone becaue if i hear "its all your fault" one more effing time i cant be held responsible for what i will do to him!!!

it takes a lot for me to lose my temper but when i do i do it badly!! i dont think he is safe staying in this house with me atm!!

bump because i need advice on how to best manage my temper as if he comes back home in a mood i am going to do something really silly!!

surely i am not the only person here with a rotten temper?

Was there a child in the buggy at the time?!

yes i didnt left it far off the floor before i realised what i was doing and stopped myself

this has been building up for weeks now! i dont just fly off the handle at little things. as i said it takes a lot but once i do lose my temper i find it difficult to contain it! its never ever aimed at the dcs they are incapable of winding up that far!!

Calmly tell hin you're struggling with your temper and find things you can both do. If you recognis that you're about to lose it tell him you're going to go out of the way, stay away fro at least 20 minutes and try 30 minutes. Give your body a chance to calm down. Try this for two weeks at least. Silly and petty things are more obvious when you're calm.

i dont think that i can calmly tell him anything atm!!! im going to bed before he comes home tonight!

i just need some space from him i think, worrying about what mood he is going to come home in and coping with dd2s contsant crying and dd1s hyperactivity and constant wanting is starting to get to me! i can cope with dcs or him. not both.

I always hear alarm bells when I hear people say "I have bent over backwards to make him happy".

It is NOT your role in life to make him happy- HE can make himself happy, not you. Sorry if this sounds bizarre, but it is the 1st thing you will be told if you see a counsellor etc etc.

Sounds like he is moody and you are indulging his moods.

FOcus on what works for you and tell him to behave like an adult.

Iv got an anger problem too. A big one

i dont usually put myself out to please him gnd, thats probably why i lost it so badly! i have been b iting my tongue for three days and running about doing what he wants, which is difficult because when i do what he wants he doesnt want it anymore and gets moodier!!!!

normally i give back as much as i get but i am just so sick of all the fighting! dd2 has turned from a lovely happy placid little girl to a constantly crying baby!!! dd1 has selective hearing issues and point blank refuses to listen to anyone and dp is always moody and bad tempered!! i dont have any energy left for fighting anymore! i just feel like giving up!!

i have tried telling him he relies on me too much and he seems to expect me to treat him the way his mother did, who was nothing more than a glorified servant to him!! it never sinks in! he is trying to stop being so aggressive and nasty so i appreciate that he is trying but now hes stopped shouting and name calling his moods seem to be worse!! i think i prefered the name calling!!

Distance yourself from his emotions. His emotions are not your problem. When you gain some distance from his moods, you will have the strength not to put yourself in the position where you cannot win, where you are trying too hard to make something work.

It's a big problem in relationships, where one person tries really hard, it doesn't work or isnt appreciated, and blows up.

I used to do it.

We actually split up.

But, in hindsight, I should have learned to say "That's not really my problem, and I'm not discussing it any more."

Stop giving him so many choices, stop giving him so much say over what you decide to do. Instead of saying "Well, go on your own if you want etc etc" say "I am not going to come because I want to do XYZ."

And if he moans, you can resort to "Because I don't want to, and that is a good enough reason on it's own."

It IS a good enough reason on its own and I wish I had known that 5 years ago.

If he is not happy, he has a responsibility to himself to make himself happy. YOu do not owe him a life of happiness.

i think you are right coldizt but its not just his moods i need ditsance from its him!! i have two children of my own i need to look after, i dont have the time, energy or inclination to look after some one eleses baby! his mother should have taught him to take responsibilty for himself before he left home and its not my problem that she didnt.

its not my fault he slept longer than he intended to on saturday, he is 32 years old he is more than capable of setting an alarm clock and getting up, nor is it my fault he didnt have things ready for this party because again thats his responsibility not mine. it is my fault that i slept in, but i would have had time to organise my things and the dcs if it wasnt for having to look after him too!

i know this sounds childish but i think im just going to ignore him and his 'needs' untill he either learns that he needs to look after himself or untill he leaves. atm nither of us are happy. if he cant change he needs to be with some one who is willing to look after him. im not that person! in my eyes a relationship is between two equals who are willing to take equal responsibility for things. he doesnt view our relationship that way. if his clothes arent ready for work its because i havent washed them, if there is no food in its because i havent been shopping. im not willing to put up with this anymore! i deserve more than that!

you do deserve more and good for you for deciding to put your foot down.

you could always turn things round and start behaving towards him the way he does to you for a couple of days. he may not realise just how childish he is being.

and.. a 70's party in the afternoon?!!!! i dont think you've missed out on much love!!!

thank you mm, i dont think acting like him would work though. and the dcs would suffer for it not him. it would only cause more arguing. atm he knows that i am very upset with him and seems to be trying to make an effort but i have heard "things will be different" far to many times to believe it now! he needs to show that he is willing to take responsibility for his own things for longer than what it takes for me to say well done and give him a pat on the head!!

he doesnt realise how childish he is being. his mum ran around after him all his life doing everything from getting him for work on time to washing his clothes and cooking his meals. she did right up untill he left home at the age of 29.

he seems to have left one mummy and expected to walk into another! his mum seems to expect the same too. i know she is too impressed with me because i am not home everytime he finishes work with a meal on the table for her precious baby boy!! i actually get on quite well his mum i know that she was only trying to her best for him and she is great with the kids i have no complaints about her, other than she hasnt shown dp how to behave as part of family!

On the anger...

I think i'm a bit like you, I don't lose it very often (once a year?) but when i do i can't believe the things i do.

Last time was when i slapped DP on the arm because i'd burnt a piece of toast. I'm 8 months pg, it was the last piece of bread in the house, i blamed him for distracting me

Just wanted you to know you're not the only one... I can imagine grabbing the buggy too, kid or no kid in it.

I sometimes think that if i got worked up more often i may not be quite as explosive when i do.

You don't need anger management classes, you need assertiveness training, I think, Micci. You are swinging between bending over backwards and exploding. The middle path is assertiveness. You don't have to walk on eggshells because dh is acting like a brat.

Are you afraid of asking what is really causing his moods? Are you afraid he wants to leave you? Sorry, don't mean to pry. I'm just wondering why your inclination is to appease him when he's being unreasonable, rather than asserting yourself.