Men are COCKS!

[DazedEmma]

I ma so so mad with HIM! I'm sick of him just picking and choosing how involved he is in in my pregnancy! He didn't wanna know when I got pregnant, then he did, then he didn't but wanted to pay for her when she arrives, now he wants to be apart of it again! Now forgive me if i'm wrong but is he not a total bastard who needs to fall off the edge of the earth??? I am like 30 weeks pregnant and he is causing me so much stress!! I have told him if he isn't being a dad, i don't want his pathetic donations! She's a HUMAN BEING not an apartment he can just pay to keep it running!! I am never going to forgive him for this and that's why i can't give in to him again and say yeah let's give it a go!

Anyone with ANY similar experience? What can I do regarding rights - in that he has none when she's here?

I know it sounds harsh but i don't want him in and out of her life like he is with me, I have a strong family who will support me and stability is most important i think. When she is old enough, she can make her own mind up about him (i'm not planning on spending my time slagging him off to her as this is unfair) but you know, as her mother i want her to know i did what was best for her.

God how can something so WONDERFUL be so bloody hard!!

Vent over, sorry

If he wants contact then he is entitled to it so it would be wrong to try to cut your child's father out of her life. Could you try mediation or just sit down with him and explain that his money is not as important as knowing he will have a connection with his child?

this is a real tough one and you have my sympathy.

for lots of complicated reasons my H has had sporadic contact with our dd (2.5) since she was born.

this year he has stepped up to the plate more and whilst that is great on one hand, on the other I am now dealing with the emotions of a little girl who wants her daddy.

it's a shock for me as previously she's not really noticed when he hasn't been around.

having said this I believe his contact is important to her. Obviously the contact is supervised and it is good quality time, I may feel differently if that weren't the case.

I am just having to deal with a new phase in my dd's comprehension and manage that. I am sure she will settle down and I am trying to get H to agree a schedule so that she can understand when he will be around.

Consistancy and security are always best but even if you can't guarantee the consitancy it is still good for your child to have a relationship with their father.

If I felt dd was suffering due to the inconsistancy I would stop contact. At the moment she's not.

As for his financial support, don't cut your nose off to spite your face. Maintenance and access are two wholy different things in the law and he should still contribute regardless.

If he really does stay off the scene this will be hard for you daughter to understand as she grows. At the very least you can tell her that he has supported her financially.

Either way, you don't need him dicking you around at this stage (or ever) so my advice right now would be decide what you want going forward and set this out to him. Be prepared to compromise but please at least try to communicate your wishes and gain some agreement from him.

You might need to do this formally via solicitor.

Good luck and hope this helps.

i have tried talking to him so many times, when he decided for the second time he didn't want to be a dad, he told me she won't notice for the first few years if he is there or not - i told you, he's a cock!

He has the option to be there, he's just choosing not to until he decides actually i'll just give emma some money, that will do! I'm too mad right now to be reasonable

I have said when she is 12 months old, he can have her over night at weekends, and until then he can stay over at my house 2 nights a week (in the spare room)and we work it out that way, but he said he doesn't see why he should have to stay over when she won't notice him anyway! The only rule I have put in place is that where she goes, I go. Which I think is fair?

I can totally understand how angry you are. I went thru that too, still do. Cannot understand how anyone but especially her dad can stay away from such a beautiful and precious amazing little girl.

I would say that the more time he spends with her the more he misses her and wants to see her.

Unfortunately, he's right in that they don't really notice during the first couple of years

What might hit home to him tho, is your LO's complete lack of connection to him when he does bother to visit.

I guess, tbh, if he is refusing to come around to your proposals then you're powerless to force him. I considered a court order to try and force it but a) that would cost me money and b) no way to enforce it anyway.

I then went the other way and decided no contact till he got a contact order. Didn't stick to that tho as I knew he wouldn't go to court to get one.

Try to distance yourself from him completely. You've tried and tried to get him to see sense but he's refusing.

I wouldn't refuse the money, I really wouldn't. Even if it gives you the moral high ground he has a responsiblity to contribute and every penny helps.

If you decide to accept the money then inform him then don't initiate any further contact. Take your time and consider any responses you may (or may not) wish to make to any contact he initiates.

Concentrate on you and your pregnancy and exciting impending arrival and ignore his crap behaviour.

Really sorry you're having to deal with this.

The courts say 3yrs before overnight stays with a non resident parent who has not had a great deal of involvement.

I have told H he can whistle if he thinks he's having dd overnight before she's 21

Don't make any forward plans like that just yet. You really don't know how you'll feel in a year. They're still so small and I struggled to leave her with my parents for an evening out by then LOL.

Honestly, I would just try really hard to distance him right now and for as long as you need to. Concentrate on the coming weeks and once you LO has arrived you will be totally occupied with the joys of a newborn.

You will have the most amazing relationship with your baby and you will get all the love and smiles and cuddles.

I can't say that you won't still be angry/sad/stressed by him and his behaviour but it will fade a bit when your baby arrives. You just won't have the emotional energy to invest in him.

He has emailed me to say he wants nothing to do with her or me now and that it's his final decision. He's offered to pay maintenace and above and beyond for her but he wishes to have no contact with her. He said he's prepared to ''get that in writing''.

I've not repsonded to him at all so the ball is till in my court, so to speak.

I still (naivly) think that when she arrives, he'll be so filled with love he'll regret never wanting her here, but he doesn't want to be at her birth etc.

Hi Emma - sorry you're having to deal with this - it's the last thing you need when pg.

Like Paddlechick I'd say accept the financial support if he's offering - I have a friend whose ex left her when 3 or 4 months pg, and hasn't had anything to do with her dd since, and is also doing everything he can do avoid contributing financially, and I think that seems like a double betrayal. My friend wants to be able to tell her dd that she did everything she could to encourage the dad to be involved in any way

I too have HUGE issues in my relationship at the moment and find it very difficult / stressful on top of pg. He tells me if we split up it will be my fault he'll have less of a relationship with child,as I won't be there to force him to get up & spend time with child as I do at the moment which makes me furious that she's not enough to make him make the effort himself. Tbh, even living with us, it took me 2 years to get him inviolved with dd much, and that's so exhausting and upsetting and frustrating, I often felt I'd rather he wasn't around at all, as then I wouldn't expect anything of him.

Sorry - this is all a bit rambling, and not much help. I'd say - take the money, tell him your child deserves to know the father, and then it's up to him. He's the one who will miss out.

If he's offering to pay maintenance and 'above and beyond' and to put it in writing, then agree. As someone has already said, maintenance and access are completely separate issues. At least you'll be safeguarding his financial contribution to his daughter. If you don't put his name on your dd's birth certificate, he won't automatically get parental rights, but he can apply to court for them at any time. He might decide he wants to be involved in her life once she's born, or when she's one, or five or 21, and, hard and unfair as it is, the best thing you can do for your daughter is to facilitate a relationship between her and him (unless he poses a threat to her safety and wellbeing). If he really wants nothing to do with her, I don't think there's much you can do. At least she won't know any different. If she was three, for example, and her Daddy decided he wanted nothing more to do with her, the hurt and long-term damage would be terrible. It's hard, but try to focus on the rest of your pregnancy and the amazing relationship you're going to have with your baby girl. It really is the most joyful and rewarding one you'll have in your life. Good luck.

It doesn't matter whether she will 'notice' if he's there or not, if he's in her life regularly she will develop an attachment to him that will form a basis for their relationship in the future. Adults who look after a baby are not interchangeble. You need to get this across to him if he ever wants contact - dipping in and out will do her far more harm than staying away completely. Sadly, if he doesn't want to be involved you can't make him. If you ever claim benefits you will have to give his details as the father but you don't have to put him on the birth certificate.
There is no provision in the law for men to 'put in writing' that they don't want to be a father. He can pursue you for contact in the future if he wants but if he has shown no interest until that point he won't get much. I think you just need to let him back out. You can't force him to feel what he doesn't and it's better for your daughter in the long run if he doesn't come and go and mess her around.

gosh ladies thank you so much for your support, it's easy to feel alone when you're the only one you know who is pregnant as I'm 20 and the only person I know who is expecting a baby.

He's 34 btw, so not a young misunderstood guy, he's a successful man with a well paid career and until my pregnancy, he was a very decent person. I just can't understand him. I'd understand if he was my own age as 20 is very young for a child. Grrr, she's kicking me loads today, think she's telling me to calm down - so i will.

Emma-
he's a loser! And he will lose out on being dad to a lovely little girl. Idiot manchild.

Was the pregnancy a bit of a surprise? I just wonder if he's still getting used to the fact that he's going to be a Dad.

I know my lovely dh reacted really badly when he found out his x was pregnant (she'd done it deliberately). But it was the shock - one minute he was in a relationship with someone he actually wasn't getting on that well with, the next he was going to be a Dad, tied to her forever whether or not they remained in a relationship, and his life completely changed for good.

He was the first one to hold dsd when she was born and loves every little bone in her body - and there's no difference in the way he is with dsd and dd who was a much wanted and planned baby.

It's a lot for him - well both of you - to get your heads around. And it sounds like you and he aren't together and things are quite acrimonious, so that's not an easy thing to add to the mix.

a HUGE suprise, and he begged me to have a termination but for me at this time, I decided to have the baby and told him he can be as involved as he wants. I have been so fair and understanding all along and he just throws it in my face over and over again. I agree Kat, he's an idiot!

I think you have just to back off- I know this won't be popular, but how much commitment was there between you before you got pregnant? if not a lot, the you can't expect it now.

Dazed\Emma- is he your age? I f so, I have total understanding-you are (both) sooooo young- my own children are older than you and there is no way I could imagine them being parents. If this was a "mistake" to get pregnant, and he is young too, then I think you have just got to accept that he is too immature to cope and let it go. he might change his mind later, but i wouldn't bank on it.