My in-laws are awful and I mean awful, how do other people get on with theirs and am I being unreasonable?

[louise301]

Used to have reasonable relationship with myin-laws all the time I put up and shut up as it were but ever since I've had my baby have been standing up to them more. So many examples but to give you an idea: father-in-law would frequently take me aside in front of husband and have a go at me about something, most memorable occasion was at a wedding where he told me off about stopping my driving lessons! Refused to shake my dads hand when my dad went to greet him after not seeing him for a while. Had a go at my 80 year grandad who wasnt able to help move a wardrobe because of his age... they exclude my dad (because hes iranian) and my brothers from christmas cards they send, addressing it only to my mum. Frequently bully my husband until hes a nervous wreck and once screamed at us because we asked if they could help do the flowers for our wedding (they own their own garden nursery). Screamed at my husband when our 6 month baby was in hospital because they didnt 'update' him enough on what was going on. So many examples. They have now moved to France and are using our house as a base for visits back to the UK. Next visit is in a couple of weeks and I am dreading it. Asked them if they could stay in hotel because our daughter sleeps in our spare room and we dont have sofa bed etc they said no. They're staying 4 nights and will expect to be waited on hand and foot. My point really (after rambling on!) is what can I do? My husbands already said they can stay but surely its not reasonable to have to wait on 2 rude adults who are so tight with money (despite being quite well off and owning a 7 bedroomed house in france)they spend hours shopping in tesco lookin for a £1 t-shirt for their only grandaughter. I'm thinking of being so unpolite when they stay they wont ask to stay again.... Sorry for this rambling message, really just wanted to vent!

I empathize with all of you.

My MIL and FIL are pure evil. MIL and FIL would say the most prejudice things about my family and even their own ONLY when I was around.

My kids are bi-racial. (White and Asian) My kids have blond hair, brown eyes and white skin. I've heard enough Asian slurs from them to last a lifetime. She sent my kids dark skinned dolls and said "Now you have dolls that look like you." When my DH said "They don't look anything like them. They're not Black." She said to me "Of course they do. They look just like You people."

DH didn't believe me for years until one day he pretended to leave and came back in to witness it for himself. It was frightening to see how quickly her face went from nasty Harpy to stunned smiling granny. She actually said "I was just telling Jenn how wonderful she was when you came in." DH said "I heard everything...everything. Stop your lies." She continued to deny everything when caught even putting her arm around me for emphasis. If you had seen how quickly her face changed you would understand just how much of a professional she was at lying. Lying came natural for her and she seemed believable even to me.

FIL is just as evil...he was nicer the last few years and I found out he was suffering from debilating memory loss and doesn't have much time left to live. The man was such an SOB but only due to his disease FORGOT to be mean . I suppose he forgot I was Asian somewhere along the line too. He started to say "Those people..." instead.

My DH knows now but he doesn't have the strength to fully stand up to his parents even for us. This is the true problem for all of us. If any of them could MIL & FIL would not be a problem but just an awful memory of a bad experience.

I wish everyone luck but I realize we are all in a bit of a no win situation. If someone were mean to us or our children we would have told them to piss off long ago. We love our respective DH(s) and only out of respect to them we tolerate the BS that his parents have put upon us. It would be easy to tell them off otherwise. Its not like I respect them. If DH could have told them off from the beginning I would never have had these problems.

I told DH....you'd better live a long life....because if you die, your parents will hear everything I have wanted to say to them from day one and it'll be only as pretty as they have been.

"Another thing is, you are the mum now and you should be able to have your day just like your MIL did. This is your time, be selfish and don't let them suck the goodness out of it all."

Newlymarried, what a brilliant quote. Its true that they have had their shot (although its highly possible they were treated like this themselevs)
My MIL is a terror. She tried to be the main "Woman" in DD and DH's life and I was just an annoying hindrance that was coming between her and her grandchild. Anyhow, I broke contact for about 3 months untill DD had grown a bit. On pain of divorce DH finally stood up to them. Now our marriage has never been better. MIL sees DD at the weekend without me, and putting up strong boundaries was the best decisiton I've ever made. They test them every now and then mind you, and they can never change, but now I know what I'm up against.

I wonder if they're worse if theres a racial element involved. My MIL is Japanese, and I honestly believe she dehumanised me to the point where she just couldn't imagine that I could have feelings of my own. She just grabbed everything she could from me, took advantage of my kindness.

Jenn - have a big, squeezy virtual hug from me, and a big virtual bat to smack your mother in law over the head with. What an evil bitch!

When you say that DH doesn't have the strength to stand up to his parents, even for you as a couple, what do you mean exactly? What do you want him to do? It sounds like he's confronted his mother - then and there - trust me, there are plenty of men who'd just pretend they didn't hear and think they could somehow sort it out non-confrontationally. How long ago was this? Has she stopped or has she continued since?

You may not be able to get MIL or FIL to apologise, or to change their way of thinking - especially FIL. But you could at least draw boundaries. Being a good son does not equal being a doormat, and playing happy families means that everyone has to play along.

Will your DH come to counselling with you? If his dad's health and mental state are worsening, he might not want to confront the family dynamic right now. Toxic bigot though he is, that old man is his father, who is sick. It's going to be harder for your DH to draw lines with his mother once his dad goes.

I used to think a lot of it was because of the racial element but once we got married they also targeted people in their own families. She just assumed that I was too polite or too cowardly to ever bring any of it to light. She never allowed me to be alone with anyone without her being there so I could never have a conversation with anyone in her family. Unlike her, I don't want to dish it out. Causing more grief is not what I am after. I just want nothing to do with them but it is clear they are not above provoking continual problems.

Like you they took advantage of my kindness and the fact that I never stooped to their level. Unfortunately, my politeness to DH means I don't mind the BS. He gets mad when I complain about them but they seem to contact me more than him which is HIGHLY unfair. He thinks of them as my problem not his. Threatened divorce? I think we all have at one point under duress and there's usually a little momentum by DH but forgotten by the time of the next incident they cause.

Sakura - it might be. Not specifically because your MIL is Japanese, but because racism isn't just a white disease. My dad's best friend is Chinese - his nephew married a Korean woman. His family carried on like nothing any of us had ever seen, including all sorts of exciting slurs. They kept monitoring the children of this mixed marriage for signs that their grandchildren from it weren't quite right.

They didn't mellow over time, either - caused real strain in the family, particularly as his parents got older and started to expect to come stay with their children.

For what it's worth, these same people thought my dad's best friend was loopy for marrying a woman of Chinese ethnicity who grew up in Malaysia. The horror... the horror...

Ah, I see what you mean, then. Does she contact you because you're the wife and as such are supposed to be the conduit? Or is it because your DH doesn't respond to her when she calls? DH's family does this with me, mainly because DH has been cutting them out of his life very slowly... he has his own issues with his folks. Anyway, just a thought. Stop responding to her calls and just put some distance between you.

The thing about not leaving you on your own with other relatives is a bit weird. Any chance that she thinks they might be horrible racists, whereas she's just saying what she thinks? (no one I know who's racist actually thinks they are, IYSWIM)

DH gets mad because he can't pretend it all didn't happen. Drag him to counselling, now. This kind of thing can and will tear your marriage apart. He needs to understand just how much this has affected you, in a very clear way. And he needs to understand how to rebuild it.

He might want to keep contact with his parents, particularly if his dad is sick, but you are under absolutely no obligation to do so. If he himself has heard them make racist comments to you, particularly after the dolls incident, etc, you have every right to restrict their access to the kids as well. Definitely nothing unsupervised, but that's me.

Could you do that? Create distance on your own?

i'm lucky. although my mil has said a few things that make me mad, and i tell her, she is fantastic. my mother on the other hand... well, i haven't spoken to her for four years and have absolutely no desire too. she won't be seeing her gc from me either.

maybe you could go to your parents house for the time the in-laws are around. or a hotel even. the cost may be worth it instead of dealing with bull shit. or, lay down the law. it's your house, your rules.

Thanks Grrlscout..

Since FIL was sick I told DH to continue monitoring his health even told DH we could help them financially so long as they did not think I was offering. I was actually earning more at the time. (MIL used to jab me and say "Aren't you lucky my son got you a little job as a receptionist so you could have a career". The reality - When we met years ago, I was an Art Director and head of the Design dept and I hired him for a staff position. But the revisionist history never ended from there. MIL also said "You are so fortunate my son bought a house to put over your head"...again...MY parents paid for most of it as a gift to me when I had my second baby.

Anyway, after the DH confrontation I was estranged from them. MIL told DH that I was disrespectful and that they would be waiting patiently for my FULL apology. For what? She was berating me while I was standing there. She basically wanted me to say that I would ALLOW her to continue to insult me and my children without resistance other than an accepting nod. Response to DH..."She will get my apology when Hell freezes over." I guess she couldn't wait because months went by and then she started to write me to needle me. I never opened a single letter. I have ignored her but she calls now specifically to cause me grief when DH is not home. I hand the phone to the kids but I refrain from responding to any questions other than to say I will tell DH you called. I told him I don't expect him to tell her off just to tell them to contact him and not me. I have only recently stopped working to be with my children full time. I am not expecting him or my children to cut off ties with them but I am sure they can connect with them without involving me.

About never leaving me alone with their relatives- All of them are actually quite nice and pleasant. They are on a whole very unlike them and it makes me sad that I have to distance myself from the rest of the family but there is no other option than contact through her and I will not suffer through that.

Only other nasty is her first born who seems more like MIL & FIL amplified. He makes them seem almost human.

Exactly! Good on you for standing your ground. I'd be careful about the phone calls with your children, though. She doesn't sound like she's all there. Maybe that's the reason she's omnipresent when you're around other family members - the fact that someone might ask you a question in conversation that might start unravelling the tapestry of lies?

Kids are smart, and I'm sure yours have picked up by now that gran is a bit of a nutter and a source of stress to you and DH. Are they happy to talk to her, or are they a bit... hesitant?

The full apology thing is absolutely barking. Was DH laughing and surprised when he told you, or was he seriously considering you making one to keep the peace?

Why is she the only conduit to the family?

Its precisely what Grrlscout said. She doesn't want them to ask me anything she can't remedy immediately. Most of the horrible things she said were about her own siblings. I told her I didn't want to hear dirty laundry about family even hers but she attacked them with gusto especially her sister and SIL who I was particularly fond of.

My Daughters told me today they wanted to tell Grandmother that she's mean but I told them it was not right. Being mean in reponse is not justifiable in my eyes. If you do not like someone stay away from them but do not engage them in the same manner. That just elevates the problems. I told them when they are older and more mature they can decide for themselves if they want her in their lives. My perspective should not be the only decisive one and I want it to be their choice. She has not made racial slurs to them as she knows it would get back to DH fairly quick. My children are young and could not fabricate some of the comments that she makes with any real understanding so their repeat comments would be a tell-tale sign to DH that it really happened.

DH said "Hell freezing...eh....I thought it may take a bit longer." He told me he would never make me apologize for being insulted for years.

hey louise, as a not very confident person who hates confrontation of any kind, I really feel for you. I don't think that your dh needs to hear choose "me or your parents". I think that the 2 of you need to devise a strategy together about dealing with parents, ie dh ring up and say sorry "you can't stay, dd is ill/no space/whatever you feel is easier , you come on and say sorry dh had to go to dd, yes, we'll book you in 2 B & B. No? Sorry have to go. Take care etc". Think about how you would both want your dd to deal with this behaviour, being firm, polite and pleasant. Refuse to allow poisonous parents to separate you and your dh in any way. Support your dh, he sounds lovely and just needs support, like you. Think about building each other's self esteem and confidence, looking at books/counselling. Best of luck, you sound lovely. Good luck to you both.

I am being very serious DO NOT HAVE THEM STAY!!. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES EG JAMES'POST NOT TO HEAVE THEM. Please set the tone now, you have the opportunity - there is no room - it was their choice to move to france they knew the score. DH will have to fall in with this for the sake of everyone. You do not have to put up vile racist people in the house just because they are 'relatives'.

What a miserable pair they sound. Do not take any more of this from them, otherwise your baby might learn from their bad example.

i said maybe stay somewhere else while there around but, no. i agree with the last few posts. don't let them stay. it's awful to deal with people like that, and just because they are family is no reason to put with it. they are shameful. it sounds like though your DH is with you. good luck.

Leave the house when they visit. Let your DH deal with his own parents. IF you stay, they will just continue to come between you and DH. You should never be intimidated/uncomfortable in your own home. They sound awful.