My son doesn't know who his father is - long post, sorry!

[atowncalledalice]

Hi, delurking finally to ask for some advice.

ds1, now just 18, was born when I was 22. His father is an American boy whom I met when I was travelling around Europe the summer after I finished university. We travelled together for a few weeks and happily parted ways in September - he had another year at college, I think, and I was about to start my first 'real' job. We didn't arrange to keep in touch, and I didn't discover I was pregnant until I was back in England.

I brought ds1 up alone (my parents were very supportive) until he was six, when I met my dh. ds1 used to ask questions about his dad, and I was as honest as I could be given how little he was, but he never seemed hugely interested.

dh and ds1 have always got on very well together: ds1 calls dh 'dad' and dh has always treated him like his own son. There was a rocky patch when ds2, now eight, was born - ds1 was incredibly jealous, I think because he realised that dh and ds2 have a relationship that he can never match (though like I say, dh has always been fantastic with him and they are very close).

ds1 is a confident, outgoing boy, but I'm sure he has suffered from not knowing his own father, even though he's never really raised the subject with me. I've broached it with him countless times, but he's quite diffident and always brushes it off. I've started to think that perhaps I should try to track down his father, though I'm not sure how easy it would be. He has a very common name (not quite John Smith, but almost), and all I have to go on is his name and the state he comes from. If ds1 expressed more curiosity or desire to find out about him, I would definitely do my utmost to find him, but I'm wary of dropping such a huge bombshell on someone I knew for three weeks nearly 20 years ago.

Should I be worried that ds1 doesn't seem to want to know who his father is? Should I try to get in touch with him anyway? I have been through this with dh a million times, and he is so bloody supportive that he just tells me to do what I think is best, which isn't honestly very helpful!

I wouldn't worry about ds's attitude and I definitely wouldn't force the issue. It's ds1's dad, up to him whether he wants to find him or not.

I agree with edam.

This is very like the situation of a friend of mine, who was brought up by her mother and never knew her father at all.

It took her a long time - until her thirties - to look for her father, mainly I think because she felt it would be disloyal to do so. Do you think that perhaps your ds also feels this?

I think the best thing you can do is to be supportive and wait, but make it clear that you will support him if he wants to do it. It may not even be until he has children himself that he starts to want to know (My friend's mother was the complete opposite, didn't want her to go and find her father, with the result that when she did eventually try to find him, she succeeded, but he had died six months before).

But he does know who his father is - your DH is his father.

A father isn't the person who's sperm met your egg; it's the man thats been there through the tears, through the celebrations, day to day, day in day out... that's a father.

Your DS doesn't want to know part of his biology; I'd be ok with that (going to have the same situ with my DS) and be proud that he's so secure in his family and self that he doesn't need to "find who he is" or something.

I don't know, vonsudenfed - I've talked to him about it and I've tried to make it clear that it's absolutely his decision and I'll help him as much as I can if he does want to find him.

To be honest, I wish now that I'd tried to get in touch with his dad when ds was tiny, but at the time I didn't think it would be a good idea (and it was the Time Before Internet, which would have made things much more difficult).

As he's got older, I've started to regret that decision. ds looks a lot like but we're quite different in temperament, and that must be something he got from his father - it makes me sad that he doesn't know half of who he is.

Hi LewisFan, that's a really good point - and like I say, we've been so lucky that my ds and my dh have such a good relationship. But I do think that at some point he might decide it's important to know where he came from, and I don't want to feel as though I've held him back in that.

I think you should leave establishing contact unless and until your DS wants to. Make sure he knows that if he does ever want to trace this man you'll give him your full emotional and practical support, and then let the subject drop.

Do you remember which university he was at? You might be able to trace him via their alumni organisation. Or I think a private investigator could find him fairly easily.

Just tell him you'll support him IF he wants to find out, whenever that may be.

He'll know then and won't say you held him back... stop guilt trips about not finding him earlier

Lewis is right, no point feeling guilty about something you can't go back and change. And it was the right decision at the time.

From the perspective of a person who was adopted (which is a bit similar) I have only just started wanting to track down my biological parents and I am in my 40s. If your DS is happy and getting on with his life he probably doesn't feel any want or need to know more, and that's fine. I would suggest that having told him it is up to him and you will support and help him if he does want to search, that you leave the subject alone for the time being: don't mention it again until he does.
I used to have well-meaning people encourage me to trace bio-parents and I found that quite irritating - ditto the crap that is often spouted about adoptive people being needy, manipulative, fucked up etc. Few things are more annoying than some oyster-eyed prat spouting lame psychobabble they read in the Mail on Sunday, putting their clammy hand on your arm and telling you it's 'OK to cry' when in fact you are feeling perfectly cheerful.

madamez - not the same position but I've had well-meaning nosey parkers suggest it was my duty after having DS to get in contact with my father's family (father dumped my mum and had no contact with her or me after she got PG, and then he died in an accident when I was 10). What people don't seem to realise is that it's not all inevitably joyous reunions - that it can be an emotionally risky business tracking down blood relatives. which I suppose is partly why I feel so strongly that your DS shouldn't be pushed into looking for his birth father - as there is the risk of disappointment or rejection.

Thanks very much for all your replies. I think I will leave it for the moment, as suggested. ds1 knows he can ask if he wants to, and at the moment I think he's more concerned with enjoying the summer before he starts university! Useful advice, thanks again.

Just a thought but perhaps it might be a good idea to make a record of absolutely every detail you can recall about your ds's father in case your ds eventually decides that he does want to search for him.

MsHighwater I think that's a really good idea. I think people are so right, he will look when and if he's ready - but I think if this were me I would do as you suggest and make up a little file of details you can remember and ways you think he could follow it up if he wants to. Then i'd tell him I'd done it and put it in the family filing cabinet or bills folder or somewhere like that, so he knows where it is and can pick it up - or not.

God forbid, but if anything in the way of bus-squashing happened to you then at least it is there for him!

Agree that you should tell your DS that you are open to any questions he may want to ask at any time, then leave it.

I would be tempted to do a bit of research on my own and see if you can track the father down not necessarily get in touch, for any future interest.

A friend of mine never met their biological father and only showed an interest in doing so in late middle age when both mother and father had passed away. Was in touch with the father's family but so many questions unanswered. I found it very sad.

I think you were very brave for going it so alone all those years ago btw. This man has nothing to fear from you or DS.

I think you should track him down,mainly because i think he has a right to know that he has a son,and then if your ds wants to contact him later at least it is not coloured by it being an enormous shock.

I too grew up not knowing who my father was. My mums story was that my father left when I was young and she never saw him again. My mother didn't tell me until I was 18 yrs old that I had a different father to my siblings (even though I'd kind of worked it out a long time before that). She didn't want to talk about it much, I've had very little information about my father. I think she expected me to get in touch with him, but I felt hugely disloyal to my mother and felt like I didn't want her to go through the hurt and upset it would cause. I kept putting off searching for him for many years. I also knew that it might not be this big emotional reunion thing, and didn't know if I could handle the rejection.

Eventually last year just before I got married I decided 'now' was the time to search. I got in touch with my father's brother and wrote him a letter. I got a prompt text message back asking me to go and visit him. Sadly he had to break the news that my father had passed away only two and a half years before. Then I heard a different version of the story that my mum had told me. My uncle said that it was my mother who left with me at six weeks old whilst my father was at work one day and he never saw or heard from her again. The heartbreaking thing is that he spent most of his life looking for me, but my mother moved us to a different area and married, changing my name too.

ATCA I think you're doing the right thing to let him know whenever he feels the need to look, you'll be right behind him. Please do write everything down that you can remember for your son, he'll find it so helpful.

ATCA - I don't know you, but have a big, squeezy hug and a lot of respect from me. You're doing the right thing. He'll ask when he's ready. Knowing that you as his mother are willing to help him and that you don't judge him about it either way... that's incredibly important. One day, though, it will help him to know about his biological family - if only to know what sorts of medical conditions run in his biological father's family.

I'm a nuts and bolts sort of person, so I'm going to give you some advice on how to find someone in the US from the UK.

I'm seconding the alumni association suggestion. If he was in a fraternity, their alumni association might also be able to help. If you know his home town, you might be able to track down his family. There's a site called peoplefinder that will do a search for a person and will return all known residences and contact details (including email addresses). They also give you contact details for any known associates (relatives, former neighbours), which means you can track him down if you know his family name and home town. I used them to help a friend of mine find someone in the States - it cost about £25. To order a report on someone from the UK, you'll need to phone them. It's perfect for you because if they can't find the person you're looking for in the place you tell them to look, they'll tell you over the phone and save you your £25. Peoplefinder isn't the only service that does this, so you can shop around.

Barring that, social networking sites can help. I've lost count of the former schoolmates and friends of friends I've found using Facebook or MySpace.

Best of luck to you, your son, and your incredible DH.