I don't want him anymore

[NeedsAMacDaddy]

Ok I'm a namechanger and i'm sorry cos I normally hate it when people do this but I just can't bring myself to say it as "me" IYKWIM

I'm getting more and more annoyed with my DP... I don't feel like I love him anymore at all. I'm sure there MUST be some love in here for him but I can't find it.

Everytime I think about why i'm with him I get 2 answers - He pays the bills and I want another child but not different fathers.

He doesn't help with DD or the house. He makes more work for me, doesn't get as happy at the little things (like the fact I cleaned the whole house) but winges about nothing. Today he winged that I had put a clothing rail on the radiator and the clothes were touching the floor so what's the point?

Nevermind the fact it had taken me 5 hours to clean the house... No!! I hadn't done something exact so that negates everything.

The problem is even if I did decide to leave - I dont think I could. Our house is a mess (needs serious decorating) and the cash crunch means we wouldn't sell it even if it were in top condition. Plus I know he'll make life hell if I try to leave. (DD's custody)

Sorry to winge but I just don't know what to do? I don't know if perhaps I just need to rekindle the love or if it's a no-hope.

Given the situation (re credit crunch) etc, would it be worth trying to get some counselling? As it is not ideal to be selling the house at the moment it might be a good idea to try rekindling the love even if it doesn't work?

Well that's what i'm hoping for tbh, that there MUST be something there for him. Otherwise why did I have a baby with him (I mean she's only 6 months old FGS)

The problem is neither of us talk about stuff, we just bottle it up and it comes out here... lol

I have trouble talking to him because he's very defensive (and if i'm honest I am too) so I tried what I thought was a tactful approach saying. I think we've lost out on us and immediatly got the reply "well it's not me, I've been trying to innitiate stuff but you push me away" and yes I do push him away because I don't feel like having sex with "my annoying room mate"

Oh and I don't think he'd do counselling tbh, I'm not a really big fan of counselling either. I find it very offish. IYKWIM. I need someone to tell me how to fix things not someone who is going to try to persuade me I know how we can fix things.

Sorry to bump this already but he's sleeping now and I might not get chance to check on it tomorrow.

There's always hope .

How old is your dd? I'm guessing she's still young enough to need lots of work and input from you not to mention driving here there and everywhere.

Do you work? Would you feel better if you did or would you feel like you were just doing even more? Don't let him make work for you, grown men are perfectly capable of doing their laundry and making their own appointments.

You need to seriously talk to him and tell him how unbelievably lucky he is to have you and dd (yes he is) that everyone is healthy and that you have everything you need.

When they do silly things like moan about the radiator when you've spent 5 hours cleaning the house you need to tell him, but NOT in an argumentative way. I find that the best way to show my dh just how unreasonable he's being is to treat him exactly how he's treated me and when he moans, tell him why I did it.

You can come through this - it's not an unusual position you're in, lots of people have been there and come through the other end but you have got to talk reasonably and in an adult fashion together, it's no good doing it when you're angry.

Stay calm and tell yourself you CAN leave any time you like - of course you can, millions of women have and do leave their partners and manage perfectly well. You don't have to sell your house before you leave, you can just leave. Why would a court award your dp custody of your DD? I can't imagine any court doing that unless you're a drug addict or something.

And if you do decide to split, of course he'll make life hell for you - he's hardly likely to sit there and say "ok dear" is he - that's why you got to be really strong before going ahead with a split.

Honestly, it sounds like a normal position you're in, but it is horrible not to be appreciated. You have my sympathy. If we knew more it would help but if you just want to talk thats OK too.

i understand where you are coming from. my dp bugs the hell out of me and we have ds 16m and i ma now expecting in 3 months. why? god knows but a part of me wanted the same father for my kiddies.
luckily we do not live together so that makes it easier.
he has never paid a penny towards our son and i find myself giving him money for petrol etc even though he owes me £400 for a PS3 he had t ohave now. he likes to make plans and has great ideas but nothing has ever come of it. i know i am not in love wiht him anymore but find it easier to still see him for the sake of our children and i know he can turn nasty.
custody thing is an idle threat with majority of men imo as dp threatened it when i tried to call it off. but then he retaliated, yeah because he would lose his freedom and actually have to support his child financially and a baby would cramp his style. not saying this is the same with you.
so sympathies, my advice is try to keep everything amicable and only when you decide what you want and where you are going can you actually start the ball rolling. it is harder for you since you have a mortgage together.
all the best.
perhaps a trial separation so you both can have a time out and a really good think about your future with no distractions.
it may jsut be becasue having a baby ahs altered your priorities and makes you see things differently and your dp has not changed?

sounds like you need to be noticed - to have your dp recognise everything you do.Could he be depressed? Does he need a boot up the bum to get going with decorating?

Work is another fire point. I don't want to work. Dp said ages ago that he didn't want one of us to work as he didn't want DD going into childcare however, now i'm not working he keeps saying how i've got it easy as I can sit and do nothing if I want.

I don't want to go to work, I do work at home stuff which earns us "fun" money and the CTC and CB pays for food and DD, all he has to do is pay the "bills" and he still ends up with around £200 to do as he wishes with. So its not as though we're struggling.

I don't know what else you need to know in order to help.

I think it all comes down to how strongly you feel- if you really want to leave, then forget moving and just move-out and rent perhaps?

Using him as a bank or a sperm donor is not good enough!

Why don't you want counselling?

What about life/relationship coaching instead?

Can you pick a time to talk to each other about what each of you feels are the good and bad points in the relationship and what you both want from it? Then decide how you are going to reach those goals?

Cupsoftea - I'm not necissarily after everything being noticed. Like I normally do little things throughout the day that I think are huge acheivements but he doesn't I was just annoyed that today he took DD out for me to have time to myself and I decided to do the house instead of sitting on my backside and thought a "house looks good" would have been appropriate.

He does need a kick up the backside but everytime I try it I get told to stop nagging and he goes in a huff.

His only jobs are to keep the grass in the garden down, put the bins out, pick up after himself and watch DD for 10 mins here and there.
For the past 2 weeks I've put the bin out, the grass is now window height, I'm constantly taking glasses/plates etc out of the living room and today was the first time since DD was born he's looked after her alone.

girlnextdoor - That's exactly it. I'm normally a strong-willed person who does what they want straight away but I haven't left which makes me think that i don't really want to leave I just want things to change.

I know we need to talk, its just hard to talk without it becoming an argument or without me crying (cos I want to shout at him but end up in tears instead)

could be be depressed?

sounds like you are keeping everything going and he's along for the ride at the moment.

Sounds a bit like my marriage really. We've managed to work through our problems when DH overheard me discussing divorde with my mum!
The best short term solution is this: When he really REALLY gets to you, clean the bathroom sink and use his toothbrush to get the taps all nice and shiny! It really does work.

I don't really understand what is bugging you- all the things you mention are things that most women moan about- partners not doing enough around the house and making a mess- and not appreciating their hard work in the home. These are not usually enough reasons to split up, especially when you have a child.

There must be more that you don't like about him and more that attracted you in the first place.

How long have you been together? Has he changed? It is quite possible that he is jealous of the baby and is feeling unloved- maybe the answer is to give him more, not less, attention.

Do you go out as a couple? Do you have anything in common? What do you lie doing together?

I thought I had PND when DD was first born as it took me nearly 5 months to love her. I had problems connecting with her (due to birth I think) so lots of things went wrong then, I stopped BFing cos it felt wrong, I'd often have to leave the room when DD started wingeing cos it would annoy me.

If i'm honest this is how I feel with DP now. Like just keep acting happy and getting on with it and it'll come kinda thing.

it's hard to explain.

You sound like a really lovely family caught up in the stress of caring for a child, tiredness, financial uncertainty

It's a whole new relationship dynamic when you're a family instead of a couple. It's really f*cking hard trying to find a compromise that suits everyones needs. I personally think that the kind of relationships that don't survive are the ones where one partner has all their needs and requirements met at the expense of the other. Is this what's happened with you? Things need to change quickly if it is.

Tell your dp being a SAHM is a job, it just isn't a paid one.

Have you been together for long. Be honest, do you think this has all come to a head because you're both finding it hard to adjust to your new roles.

girlnextdoor - he's not changed at all I think maybe I have since having DD?
We've been together 3 years now - I honestly don't know what the underlying problem is that's making me want to leave. I really don't. I wish I did so I could fix it as I don't really want to leave him there are times (few and far between) when things are good. Like we took DD swimming and for that hour It was lovely and like a family but other than that. He sits on the computer and both me and DD get a goodmorning and goodnight but thats about all the affection we get. But that may well be me too! The problem is I don't feel like making out with him cos I don't think I love him.

I know i'm not making much sense.

We don't have much that we like to do together. We used to go cinema alot but a 6mo DD stops you doing that. Plus we're up at different times, He works nights so sleeps 10-7 during the day and works 10-7 at night and i'm up between 6 and 10, so we don't really see each other much but then I don't think many couples see each other much more do they?

Have you told HIM any of this? it's no good talking to us when he is the one you are unhappy with

Have you tried to sit and talk? and not get angry?

WHAT do you want from him? What does he want? I suspect he is feeling rejected and like most guys doesn't know what to say so opts for the pc instead.

Can't you put some time aside to talk to each other abut your unhappiness and say what you want to change?

I've had conversations with him but they always start to an argument so they're stopped. I guess if it's coming to a head kinda thing then I need to sit down and talk properly

golden rule of counselling etc-
"you can't change anyone else- just yourself".

How YOU react will determine what happens with your DP- if you want to have a proper talk, then you'll have to try to control your temper/emotions.

Your situation sounds like a classic one of non-communication.

Just scanned this thread. Not justifying your DP's behaviour but it is possible that he is sulking because of the "drought". This justifiably ticks you off -> downward spiral with both of you feeding off each other negatively.