My friend and I have been good friends for circa 20 years. Previously, I would have described her as a warm, non-judgemental person who, while she had her ups and downs, saw the good in life. She comes from a happy, stable family with parents who love her deeply, and who have a lot of financial security. She didn’t always agree with people who had different political positions but she was a very much “live and let live” kind of person.
Over the last five years through her job and partner she’s got more and more into activism. Her job is one that involves advocacy, and in her time off she spends a lot of her time at demonstrations. Through her job and I imagine through her activism as well, she is exposed to a lot of the ugliness in the world. She sees and hears some incredibly upsetting things through her work, and I don’t think it’s particularly surprising that this has made her feel angrier.
What I’m finding increasingly challenging is that her anger and passion for these political causes seem to be bleeding over into every part of her life. Over the last five years it’s become noticeably more difficult to have a conversation with her that doesn’t immediately divert to a political topic. She has developed very strong views on many subjects, and if I don’t agree with them then we end up in a heated conversation which is difficult to extract myself from.
While I understand her position and agree with her on many points, her political views seem to have become very emotional topics. Criticism, or advancing an opinion on a different/more moderate way of approaching the issue often seems to land as if it’s a personal attack, and I get the strong impression that she actively thinks less of me for not throwing everything I have into these issues in the same way that she is doing. She will often make straw man arguments if I disagree on a point: for instance, if I ask her whether she can understand that some women (sexual assault survivors, religious women etc) may feel uncomfortable sharing a changing area with a trans woman, she’ll say: “So you’re happy for trans women to be raped and killed in the men’s then?”. (For the record, no, I’m not). I think she lashes out in frustration, because she dislikes this style of arguing when calmer.
Realistically, I don’t think our political positions differ that much when seen from above. We’re both left wing, believe in a society based on equality and equal rights, believe in doing good in our community, women’s rights, the environment. But she has developed more extreme views on how to tackle all these issues.
Hot button topics that are closer to her heart are:
- The environment. She’s been active in Extinction Rebellion and possibly Just Stop Oil in the past
- Palestine
- Immigration/asylum seekers
- Trans rights. I’ve never asked but wouldn’t be surprised to discover she knew people in groups like Bash Back
I have much more moderate positions on all these things. I feel particularly strongly that freedom of speech is important, even for people whose opinions we powerfully dislike, and that violent protest is a step too far.
My friend is entitled to have her political views, just as I’m entitled to mine, but I think a key part of being friends with someone is to respect that it’s OK to disagree, and be able to do so amicably. This is something I try hard to do, even when I disagree with some of her arguments, but I don’t feel like it’s often reciprocated. I mention the police? They’re all bastards. I suggest a museum visit? Full of stolen colonial loot. I talk about growing food? Good luck with that when the climate changes and all our crops die.
My friend is very dear to me and we’ve been through a lot together, but I’m struggling to connect with her. I’ve never been unable to maintain a friendship due to political differences, but the life she leads is one that’s become increasingly alien to me, involving Signal chat cells and code names, counter protesting to drown out people whose views she disagrees with, and a very bleak view of the world and the future. Every conversation seems to boil down an us versus them situation - there is no nuance or recognition that people can have good and bad qualities at the same time.
Most of all I’m worried about her. I worry that she sees life as hopeless and full of horrors that need constant fighting, and because it’s impossible for one person to win against all the evil in the world I can see it wearing her down. Likewise sometimes she seems to resent me for suggesting that things aren’t as bad as she thinks. In the UK we live in great luxury compared to most of the world, we have outstanding rights as women compared to even fifty years ago, we live a life free of war and natural disasters. It’s key for my own mental health to be thankful for those things, and I worry that she often can’t see or is unwilling to recognise how good our lives are.
She had a blow up at me (for which she apologised) at the beginning of the year, and afterwards I suggested we do some more positive, hopeful activities together next time and then left the ball in her court (she never replied to this). I’m usually the one to call her.
I now haven’t heard from her in seven months. So, here’s the question: would you try to reconnect with this old friend, who you’ve shared many happy, supportive years with, and who you care for and are worried about? Or would you leave her to make contact and potentially let the friendship die a natural death?
To be clear, I’m not looking for condemnation of her politics - she has a right to hold the views she does even if I might disagree with them. But I’m struggling to see whether there’s hope for our friendship when everything is seen through the lens of political grievance.