DH and I have been married for 20 years. Over the years his behaviour has been extraordinarily bad. He has never hit me but he is always easily set off by the smallest of things. If I list some recent examples, will you tell me if his is domestic abuse or mental illness on his part.
- he said to our DS, aged 7 that he was the worst thing that happened to this family
- the same son is not in a good sleeping pattern as accustomed to co-sleeping. When I think he is asleep, I try and go downstairs but he wakes up. H lost his temper and flew up the stairs shouting ‘where is the little bastard’ and then stood over him while he lay in bed pointing and telling him angrily that he would go to sleep without mummy. I appreciate the sleeping arrangements are not ideal and I have been trying to tackle it.
- H lost his temper when I thanked my eldest son (15) for helping with the dishes after a roast dinner. H said ‘are you kidding, he has two jobs to do, what are you doing?!’ I had to defend my right to say thank you to my son.
- when my pet became seriously ill on a bank holiday years ago, he would not let me take him to the emergency vet as he had made me cancel insurance. I was on maternity leave at the time and had no money. H stated the cat could wait till the morning. The pet had to be put to sleep the next day
- this weekend, after I had another challenging evening getting my son to sleep, he was enraged and said he was going to pack my bags. I said no you won’t as I will call the police. He then said i know what you are doing, you are one of those aren’t you.
- last week when I was asleep in DS room, he kept telling me to get out of the house with our current pets, he turned the light on several times when I was asleep and stood in the doorway. He got my work bag out of the cupboard and launched it at another door. He had a shower at 1am and there was no hot water and he came in again blaming me because I had bathed my son earlier. The hot water would have been switched off at that time
- I have had to stay in hotels as he threw my clothes at me while I was getting ready to go to a party, and another time when he lost his temper when the expensive steaks he cooked were too well done
- he constantly reminds me the house is his and not mine. He always uses this when he is angry and tells me to get out.
- one time he went on a night out with friends which had turned into a bender. I had to pick him up because he refused to get in a taxi. When we arrived home, he punched the front door as pet got under his feet. He went and had a shower, and I got him water and waited for him to make sure he was ok. He squared up to me and told him to get out of his fucking house. I had to stay at his friend’s that night. Next day big bouquet of flowers apologising. he had also had an accident that night and left bathroom in a state so I had to clear it up in case the boys saw.
- he ripped a door off our dresser as I left a pencil case on the table
- has broken my wardrobe door in anger
- elbowed me at 3am when I’ve been asleep the day after we got back from holiday to get me out of bed and see to the pets who were outside and had safe access to the house from there.
of course, there are plenty more examples - these are fairly recent. I have been looking at rental properties as I can’t tolerate it anymore, but I do feel sick as I know I’m going to be broke and struggle with finances and logistics. I do not know if I have the strength to take him on. Is this domestic abuse or mental health issues? What would you do?
Thanks for reading