Tricky relationship with half sister (very long, sorry)

[LindorDoubleChoc]

My parents divorced when I was 10 and my older brother 16. A few years later my dad married a woman 17 years younger than him (I call her my step mother) and had three more children, a girl then two boys.

I am 15 years older than my half sister and had a very different upbringing and childhood to hers. My father had made quite a bit of money by the time she was born and he was also blissfully happily married to my step mother, so she and her brothers had a lot more materially but also a very happy and stable childhood, both parents in good mental health, utterly devoted and supportive.

Whereas I spent 8 years living with an extremely depressed and later alcoholic mother, who was on her own and just not coping and very dependent on me as a sort of mini therapist.

I am trying to maintain a relationship with my sister (she's now in her 40s and me in my 60s) even though we've never been spectacularly close. But she does not want to think about or acknowledge that our dad was pretty hopeless from my pov, I was to all intents and purposes left to get on with it, and his happiness did come at my expense to a certain extent.

She finds difficult family situations stressful - there are other issues in her family, with her mum and her two brothers - and she doesn't want to talk about them either. She has said that it makes her depressed and she can't talk about it.

It's not like I want to talk to her endlessly about these issues! I just want one honest conversation and for her to know how I feel about my dad (and her mum to an extent) as they wrote me and my older brother out of their wills. Quite apart from the more obvious day to day indifference and inequality.

That's fine ... but does it mean I ought to really leave it and not make an effort? I can't see the point in being superficial about it, I have enough superficial relationships with the rest of them. I suppose I feel as the only female sibling she might have enough emotional intelligence to understand, whereas the brothers absolutely wouldn't (two have Aspergers and one is estranged from the family entirely).

Don't know what I'm asking. I suppose I accept a relationship on her terms or pretty much forget it?

But she does not want to think about or acknowledge that our dad was pretty hopeless from my pov, I was to all intents and purposes left to get on with it, and his happiness did come at my expense to a certain extent.

I mean this with kindness OP, but on the face of it, why should she? Your half-siblings are not responsible for the parenting and upbringing you had.

As someone who comes from some dysfunctional family dynamics, I truly understand the need to have some validation and understanding, but her line in the sand is that she doesn't want to discuss it, nor can you force someone to put themselves in your shoes.

It's also unfair to assume she might have the emotional intelligence to understand by virtue of being female. She may have, but may also have problems of her own behind the scenes that you're unaware of.

Did you ever have it out with your dad (and step mum) while they were alive?

I can relate to your post. It’s not right that you were treated like this. But it’s not in your half-sister’s power to change it - unless you think she owes you some of the inheritance.

If it’s not about the money, then what are you ideally hoping to achieve? In theory, if you had a conversation with her and she utterly acknowledged your struggles in life and recognised how unfair things had been, what would that change?

You’ve been treated badly, but only way to lay it to rest is to do the work yourself rather than expect it to come from her. I would recommend therapy as it really helps to break down heavy complex emotions and you’ll get that sense of being heard.

She clearly has her opinion on your dad and doesn’t want to hear yours. That’s okay for her but if it doesn’t suit you then stop trying with her.

I have a cousin who endlessley wanted to discuss how the adults in our family failed her as a child... I was a child too, those failings were not on me. Your OP feels simmilar. Why does she need to hear how your father failed you? What do you want her to say when you tell her? "Thats a shame he was the best dad i could ever hope for?" That wouldnt be helpful.
Telling her how you feel wont change anything.

I can understand both sides. You are angry at and disappointed in your dad. She never experienced this, and indeed benefited a your expense.

But what do you want from her? Do you want your three ste siblings to give you and your brother a share of your dad’s estate? In her shoes I would consider doing that. Have you broached that subject.

it is dreadful that your dad disinherited you and was a crap dad. But your sister can’t undo that.

Are there any reasons for why you are trying to maintain a relationship with your half-sister other than getting validation for your sad childhood (and I agree with others, that’s a discussion for therapy, your half sister can’t give you what you are looking for).

Is she interested in keeping a relationship with you? Does she have ideas for what you two can do together and talk about?

It doesn’t really sound like you see her as a person in her own right, more like she is a symbol of your father’s financial and emotional neglect of you.

You could try thinking about whether there is actually the basis for a relationship there, if you try to see her as a person in her own right. And separately think about understanding from a solicitor whether you have a claim on the money, if that is a thing you want or need.

I just want one honest conversation and for her to know how I feel about my dad - I'm guessing that she probably does realise how you feel about your dad. It sounds like it's pretty obvious?

I feel for you OP as you were dealt a shitty hand. But I'm not sure that one conversation about it will really help?

I can also understand. But none of this was her choice or her fault. You're trying to address it with the wrong person. She wasn't there. I don't know what she'd be able to say to help you. So I wouldn't try, it'll only upset you both. It’s your dad you need to have had this discussion with.

"Are there any reasons for why you are trying to maintain a relationship with your half-sister other than getting validation for your sad childhood"

Well, yes, I love her ...

Why should she have a conversation and acknowledge your situation? She's in her 40s, I doubt it's the first time you've brought it up, let her be.

There’s not really any point. She can’t fix anything for you. She can’t undo the unfairness or the circumstances. It’s just an awkward conversation that doesn’t really need to happen between the two of you. I’m sure she realised that your childhoods were different.

It is great you get along and spend time together. You’re lucky to have a (half) sister and these relationships are valuable, if you both enjoy each other’s company. Enjoy it, instead of trying to air old news. My partner has hardly anything to do with his half sister, with the same age gap - he feels no connection.

I don't want her to help me. I just want her to know. She likes to reminisce about dad fondly (he died more than 10 years ago) and I want to say ... but he was a very distant dad to me and he also disinherited me. That's it. Like I said - one honest conversation.

I also doubt she knows that he left my mum for another woman (the next door neighbour, you couldn't make it up) - he was very much up on a pedestal in their household, led by their mother who absolutely worshipped him. All I want is for her to know how I really felt about him. I feel like I'm pretending with her.

Obviously, since I'm not stupid, I know none of this is her fault and I am not blaming her or my other two half siblings.

I've never brought it up.

She got something you didn't, and for all you know she might assume you have been jealous and resentful of her for decades.

If you want a relationship with her, then you are going to have to accept that you cannot bring your feelings about your parents into it.

Deep down, she does know how shitty he (and her mum) were. She is aware of the contents of the will (having benefitted from it). She just doesn't want her chosen world view to be altered. Some people will only think about happy things and shut out anything which threatens that - you've said yourself that she won't discuss the other issues in her family either. She's probably a bit fragile mentally, if she won't/can't have conversations where she hears that your experience of her mum and dad was very different to yours, or if she can't hear that your dad wasn't kind. It means admitting that his parental love was conditional and that's uncomfortable, and she doesn't want to think about it.

The thing is, they are dead and your childhood can't be undone. You can't make them pay by shattering your sister's view of them - they are gone. Your choice is to either force this conversation and lose a sister, or let sleeping dogs lie and keep her. I'd choose the latter. The only caveat I'd put to that is a refusal to listen to her praising them in your presence.

I think you are expecting too much from her. What do you want her to say or do? These issues weren’t her doing.

Could You say something like “I’m glad he was such a good dad to you - sadly my experience of him as a father was very different, and considerably worse”, @LindorDoubleChoc?

Fgs leave her alone!

Just to be clear - her mother is still alive and so she (sister) hasn't had her inheritance yet. I don't know if she knows my brother and I aren't in the will because we have never discussed it.

This thread isn't about the will. It's about ... honesty, I guess.

No need for anyone else to ask me what I want from her. I don't want anything except to be able to be honest. As it is, because I'm older, I do quite a bit of listening about the issues she has with her mother and brother!

She's either oblivious, hasn't really thought about it, or doesn't want to acknowledge.

@LindorDoubleChoc She doesn't want to acknowledge it OP. And quite frankly who can blame her. What could she possibly say to you? I suppose she could hug you fondly and tell you what a douchebag your dad was. But that's never going to happen in the real world is it. I totally understand your hurt and anger, I really do. And men so often discard children from a first marriage like worthless detritus. But realistically it's not your half sister's problem and she's hardly likely to open the flood gates to all this pain and injustice. Why would she?

Do either of you have children? Do you talk to them about their grandfather?

That is maybe where the real version of your dad come out.

‘i was telling Lily that we had very different experiences of dad, I would love her to hear about the version of dad you grew up with. As you know, he wasn’t very present for me growing up so she knows the bad, but while it hurts me I know he could be a good father too, unfortunately just not to me’

People often find it just too painful to see harm their parents have done even when they’ve been hurt themselves. It causes a kind of physical mental pain that quickly triggers fight or flight behaviours. It may well be that you could never hear your half sister acknowledge anything difficult honestly (and sometimes hearing a meagre attempt when they try to equivocate is just more pain).

counselling and reading about how society ignores and almost celebrates neglectful fathers will be helpful. I come from a fractured family with unkind and neglectful parents (both dead) at the helm. I’ve yet to have an honest conversation with another family member about any of it but the learning I’ve done has allowed me to set it down and feel the freedom of it losing its weight.

You’re being really unreasonable. She’s not responsible for any of this. Why don’t you just tell her you’d rather not talk about dad.

I'm not asking if I'm being unreasonable. You seem to have gone spinning out into the wrong topic.