I’ve been seeing someone for about a month and would really appreciate some perspectives from parents. We are in our early thirties and dating about 6 weeks.
He’s from New Zealand and now lives in the UK. He and his ex were together for about four years and split up in their twenties. They have a primary-school-aged daughter. He says they co-parented informally for a while after breaking up but there were repeated difficulties with agreed visits falling through. He sought legal advice to try to get a formal custody arrangement in place. He says they came close to agreeing something, but the arrangements kept breaking down due to the mother.
During that period, allegations were made about his behaviour, including allegations of abuse and inappropriate behaviour, which he denies. He also wasn’t interviewed or
investigated by police and they were made informally by his child’s mother and didn’t get brought to the custody discussion despite him wanting to discuss them as a way of showing transparency.
He says he ultimately chose to stop pursuing a formal arrangement and leave his daughter in her mum’s care. He currently has no contact with her.
His view is that stepping back was the best thing he could do for his daughter at the time. He felt the conflict was getting so bad that the constant back and forth would do her more harm. From what he hears through family, she’s settled and doing well.
I can understand why someone might think stepping back would give their child some stability, especially when a separation has become very difficult. I’m also aware I’ve only heard his account.
I don’t have children. I was lucky to grow up in a stable family, and family matters a lot to me. If I were going to get more serious with someone, I’d want to understand how they see their responsibilities as a parent when things are difficult. I keep wondering what staying open to a relationship with his daughter could look like, if it were appropriate? Would he write letters to keep for her for when she’s older, for example, so she could know he’d welcome a relationship if she ever wanted one? I’d like to hear how he thinks about that himself and I am going to have this discussion with him about how he feels he can explore this.
Before I met him, I probably would have read a post like this and thought, ‘Run.’ In person, he’s been kind, gentle and reflective. I’ve appreciated that he brought it up himself, and I’m aware that a month is very early to know someone. I’m taking the allegations seriously and am considering whether to make a Clare’s Law request. I also want to give myself time to talk this through with him and hear what he thinks before deciding whether to get more involved.
For those of you who are parents, particularly if you’ve been through a difficult separation, how would you make sense of this? Can you understand a parent deciding that stepping back is best for their child? What would you want to hear from him about how he sees his role now and what he hopes for in the future?