DH has been making us cut back while paying his ex wife’s mortgage

[Wifeworries]

Have namechanged.

DH and I have been married 6 years, we have a DD5 and DS3. He has a DS13 and DD10 from his previous marriage who live with their mum and come to us alternate weekends and some holidays. I get on well with both of them, they are lovely children and this isn’t about them.

I knew when we first got together that he was paying the mortgage on the house his ex lives in with the older two. They had agreed she would stay there when they split because the children were little and he would carry on paying it for a while until she could manage it herself. He told me it had stopped before we got married and I honestly never thought about it again. I wasn’t going to interrogate him about it, I thought it was sorted.

DH deals with most of our finances because he earns more than me and is much better at that sort of thing. I can see the accounts and have my own account for personal spending, it’s just always been easier for him to deal with the mortgage, bills etc. I’ve never felt the need to check every payment because I trusted him.

We’ve been talking about moving for a while because the house is getting a bit cramped with the children. We were looking at somewhere with a bigger garden, or possibly getting the loft done and sorting the kitchen out instead. DH was quite keen at first but about 6 months ago he started saying we needed to be more careful with money and couldn’t keep spending like we were.

He was the one who brought up cutting back. He said the bills had gone up and we needed to prioritise things. He suggested stopping DD’s dance class and DS’s swimming lessons because they were too young to really benefit from them anyway. I wasn’t happy about it but agreed because I thought we were trying to save for the house. We also stopped putting as much into the holiday fund and put the kitchen on hold. I thought we were making sensible decisions as a family.

Anyway, I was looking through the accounts last week trying to work out if we could start saving properly again for the work and noticed a regular payment to an account I didn’t recognise. It was £1,450 a month and had been going out for years. I looked back through the statements and realised it was going to an account in his ex’s name.

I asked him about it when he got home and he said it was the mortgage on her house. I said I thought she was paying it herself now and he said no, he’d carried on paying it because the children live there. I asked how long he’d been doing it and he said since they split, so including the whole time we’ve been together and all 6 years of our marriage.

I was honestly quite shocked. I asked why he hadn’t told me and he said because it was for his children and he didn’t see why it needed to be discussed with me. I said well it’s coming out of our money isn’t it, and he said it’s his money as well and he has responsibilities to his older children.

I said I obviously don’t have a problem with maintenance and I’ve never questioned him paying what he needs to pay for his children. This is additional to that though, it’s paying their mum’s mortgage every month, and he’s been hiding it from me. He said he didn’t want the DC having to move house or potentially schools, and keeping the mortgage paid was the only way to make sure they could stay where they were.

I said I’m not asking him to leave them without a home, but I don’t understand why he’s been telling me we need to cut back on things for our children while paying nearly £1,500 a month for his ex’s mortgage. He said the children are settled there and he isn’t going to make them move just because I want a bigger house.

I feel really stupid now for agreeing to all the cutbacks when he apparently had no intention of stopping these payments. It’s not even that I begrudge his older children having a home, I just feel like he’s made a massive financial decision that affects all of us without telling me. And then to say it’s none of my business when it’s coming out of the money we use for our family is making me even angrier.

He says I’m making it into something it isn’t and that I’m being unreasonable. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable expecting to have known about this or if he is right that it’s nothing to do with me.

Would you be upset if your DH had been doing this throughout your marriage?

I think he is earning a lot more than you realise.

This is possible, if it isn't the case that his ex has some information she could blackmail him with (they're still sleeping together and her third child is also his, is my bet).
If he's earning a lot more than 115k then why tell his current wife they have to cut back to the point they can't save to move, can't put money into holiday savings and have to cancel the youngest children's swimming lessons?

Unless of course he's playing a long game and aiming for a divorce to hide income so as to pay less maintenance for his second lot of children...

No I’m sorry paying maintenance is one thing, paying her mortgage is something else. Especially as he told you it had stopped. There’s no way I’d allow that, so the ex can stay in the house essentially. Who initiated the divorce?
if you two split up is he going to offer the same option to you and your children?
how many times can he offer this?
he’s sacrificing your children over his wife, they could have downsized, they’d still have a roof and why the hell did he tell you he’d stopped paying her when he hadn’t?
there’s a lot to go through here one being trust, which he has sadly broken.

Oh wow! Just read your update, she has a new partner and child, you couldn’t make it up, I bet they both laugh out loud every night at the stupidity of your husband. They are literally taking food out of your children’s mouths.
why is her new husband allowing the ex to pay his wife’s mortgage? Because he doesn’t have to, your husband is a laughing stock and I bet each time they have a meal out they thank your husband for that privilege, sorry but he’s an idiot!

If his take-home is around £6k a month (after pension of 5-6% deducted) and he's paying more than half of that to his ex (£1800 maintenance plus £1450 mortgage), while lying about it from before your marriage, then yes, you have every right in the world to be angry.

What exactly do the two adults living in the house being paid off contribute to their own asset?

So he's paying on a house which probably the new partner is living in and it's not even in his name! Meanwhile he's taking money away and opportunities from his younger kids, that's wrong!

And if he wasn't paying you would all be moaning that he doesn't take care of his kids men can't win can they? Their damned if they do damned if they don't 🤷

Looking after his older kids shouldn’t be taking away from looking after his younger kids.

100 fucking percent, I'd be furious. He outright lied to you. He's prioritising his older children over yours. LTB

This is insane. They must be laughing all the way to the bank. Why has he agreed to this? Does he still love her? So so so many red flags.

Divorce him and ask for the same deal. I wouldn’t stay with someone who is making his ex’s life so cushy. It’s nearly 42 thousand a year he’s sending her. She can pay the mortgage with the child maintenance he’s sending. He lied so you would feel more comfortable marrying him and having kids with him. If you knew he was still paying the mortgage would you still of had kids with him? Or would you have financially only thought of having one child? This is my thinking. He’s not letting your kids have normal after school activities because he would rather spoil his ex who could afford it even if he wasn’t paying the mortgage as she earns to and gets a large sum in child maintenance.
tell him some home truths that he is now paying for her new lover and there new child together to, see how he feels about that. I bet her new boyfriend is living it up with your husband on the hook for the mortgage payments. House in her name to so now if they die she might have put a will so the new boyfriend gets the house then only kid with him would get inheritance from him and his eldest two will be left with nothing.
and for the house to be in her name to, this man is not great with money. I would start taking control of the finances if you stay with him op or your going to end up with nothing to live on in the end. He’s royally messed himself and the two eldest kids over and he doesn’t even know it. Let alone what he’s done with you and your two kids.
if you stay with him I would ask for him to transfer the house in your name only as it only seams fair at this point. And tell him that the kids will be doing their clubs and if he carnt afford it maybe he should cut back on activities or buying things for himself.

The ex is working full time, and she gets 1.8k in child maintenance, she and her new partner can contribute to the mortgage. They're living life while the younger 2 are missing out. Of course he should maintain the first 2 kids but be sensible about it.

Bloody hell, he's paying for some other bloke and his kid to live for free! Might as well bend over with his trousers down and invite him to use his body as well. Sorry, very crass but What A Total Mug.

It would almost be funny if your poor joint kids weren't being deprived of their swimming lessons etc so some unrelated adult can live the life of Riley. Two full time incomes (I assume) and someone else paying the mortgage. They must be laughing all the way to the bank!

OP is in a relationship with the DH, which usually means shared financial responsibilities and pressure. The ex is no longer in a relationship with the DH, and along with that usually comes an expectation that both parties are no longer financially linked or mutually supportive (beyond support for any kids, of course).

I read through your posts OP and WOW! I completely understand why you're feeling upset, the ex works, has a new partner and they have a child together!?
Your hubby sounds like a really good guy trying to do the best for all of his children, but someone is laughing all the way to the bank here, and maintenance paid by him is already £1,800 a month! No one should be living rent free here, the new partner should be paying his way too..
Time to have a sit down with the ex and explain that it's her house now and they as a couple, need to pay for it.

Have I got this right? Your DH is paying £3.2k to his ex for maintenance and the mortgage, with a take home salary of around £6k? (based on gross earnings of £115k).

So he is paying over half of his net income to his ex, who works full time and lives with a DP who also works?

And he asked you to cancel activities for your own kids at maybe £100-200pm?

That doesn't feel right. I completely understand and respect him for wanting to support his kids, but it feels proportionately wrong, with too much priority on his elder kids.

Also respect his thoughts around not moving to a bigger house to enable him to support his kids, however that should be a two way discussion. Not something you think you are working towards while he has decided its not (and not told you).

Considering there are so many dads not supporting their DC's mum, it is admirable of him to be so generous, however the balance is off and he shouldn't be giving over half his income to them, whilst he has his own home and other DC to support. I think you need to have an honest and open conversation with him about how to readdress the balance, ensure they remain supported and in their home but also with his ex paying towards the home that she now owns.

dh needs too have ex account for maintenance and get a job so she can pay mortgage! If she won’t Dh needs to have mortgage in his name alone and stop paying when youngest DSC is 18, otherwise ex is gonna keep dragging it out while your family suffers! Make sure Dh cannot access your personal account! Because he’s not being truthful about mortgage he may try to use your money!

What if HE helped set HER up in her career? Did he leave or did they mutually agree to end the marriage?

Why is it ok for her to have a 2nd marriage with no obligation, but the 2nd wife of the man and his further children must be placed down the pecking order? All children should be equal. Should al lhave the same opportunities! All the ADULTS in this should make sure of that.

Ex wifes new huzzy should be funding their lifestyle.

Ex huz should be finding the kids and 50% of what it takes to raise them - and yes if that is mortgage as well so be it...but not ALL of it, to the detriment of his other kids.

Things like this are what become probate arguments decades later!

It might appear so, but this really only benefits ex. She has a home paid for by OP's husband that she shares with her bf and another child along with her other two. If they marry, bf could possibly end up as an owner and OP's husband's kids be left out in the cold.

OP's husband sounds either dumb or he's gaslighting OP hard.

He needs to comply with the final financial consent order. This usually goes onto until the children leave fill time education or until she starts to co habit with a new partner.

I think l you need to see what the order says regarding her maintenance, the property transfer terms, and child support. If there was no financial.oorder them I think you need to insists he gets a clean break order from wife now she has a new partner, and just support his children

Then go from there. I think there's more to this that meets the eye. Would he do the same if you and he split up i.e give you the house and continue to pay the mortgage ? If he wouldn't you need to know why you and your children would be treated differently.

Some of you love divorce far more than you are prepared to fight for your marriages, without much thought for the trauma broken homes often bring onto the children caught up in it. Maybe go back and properly read your wedding vows!

Aren't you amusing! This is a second marriage following a divorce from the mother of his first two children who must have been similar ages at the time to his children with the OP now.

Your message would be better addressed to the man who did that. Anyone marrying a divorcee who's already left two small children knows somewhere in their rational mind that they're marrying someone for whom marriage is potentially a short term contract.

Funny, I don’t remember my marriage vows including ‘thou shalt not complain when thy husband turns out to be financially incompetent and puts his former family before you’. Neither do I remember anything about tolerating being asked to cut back/cancel your kids’ activities while he’s simultaneously paying his ex over half of his take home pay, including a mortgage she and her new partner are perfectly capable of paying themselves.

A financial order wouldn’t automatically terminate on the ex cohabiting with a partner, or having a child with them. It’s marriage that ends that responsibility unless there is something expressly written into the contract. He would have to go to court to ask for it to be terminated or reduced.

From what OP says he’s voluntarily paying this. He’s paying twice the CMS child maintenance and the mortgage he’s paying is on a house that he has no financial interest in. I can’t see that being part of any legit financial order.