DH has been making us cut back while paying his ex wife’s mortgage

[Wifeworries]

Have namechanged.

DH and I have been married 6 years, we have a DD5 and DS3. He has a DS13 and DD10 from his previous marriage who live with their mum and come to us alternate weekends and some holidays. I get on well with both of them, they are lovely children and this isn’t about them.

I knew when we first got together that he was paying the mortgage on the house his ex lives in with the older two. They had agreed she would stay there when they split because the children were little and he would carry on paying it for a while until she could manage it herself. He told me it had stopped before we got married and I honestly never thought about it again. I wasn’t going to interrogate him about it, I thought it was sorted.

DH deals with most of our finances because he earns more than me and is much better at that sort of thing. I can see the accounts and have my own account for personal spending, it’s just always been easier for him to deal with the mortgage, bills etc. I’ve never felt the need to check every payment because I trusted him.

We’ve been talking about moving for a while because the house is getting a bit cramped with the children. We were looking at somewhere with a bigger garden, or possibly getting the loft done and sorting the kitchen out instead. DH was quite keen at first but about 6 months ago he started saying we needed to be more careful with money and couldn’t keep spending like we were.

He was the one who brought up cutting back. He said the bills had gone up and we needed to prioritise things. He suggested stopping DD’s dance class and DS’s swimming lessons because they were too young to really benefit from them anyway. I wasn’t happy about it but agreed because I thought we were trying to save for the house. We also stopped putting as much into the holiday fund and put the kitchen on hold. I thought we were making sensible decisions as a family.

Anyway, I was looking through the accounts last week trying to work out if we could start saving properly again for the work and noticed a regular payment to an account I didn’t recognise. It was £1,450 a month and had been going out for years. I looked back through the statements and realised it was going to an account in his ex’s name.

I asked him about it when he got home and he said it was the mortgage on her house. I said I thought she was paying it herself now and he said no, he’d carried on paying it because the children live there. I asked how long he’d been doing it and he said since they split, so including the whole time we’ve been together and all 6 years of our marriage.

I was honestly quite shocked. I asked why he hadn’t told me and he said because it was for his children and he didn’t see why it needed to be discussed with me. I said well it’s coming out of our money isn’t it, and he said it’s his money as well and he has responsibilities to his older children.

I said I obviously don’t have a problem with maintenance and I’ve never questioned him paying what he needs to pay for his children. This is additional to that though, it’s paying their mum’s mortgage every month, and he’s been hiding it from me. He said he didn’t want the DC having to move house or potentially schools, and keeping the mortgage paid was the only way to make sure they could stay where they were.

I said I’m not asking him to leave them without a home, but I don’t understand why he’s been telling me we need to cut back on things for our children while paying nearly £1,500 a month for his ex’s mortgage. He said the children are settled there and he isn’t going to make them move just because I want a bigger house.

I feel really stupid now for agreeing to all the cutbacks when he apparently had no intention of stopping these payments. It’s not even that I begrudge his older children having a home, I just feel like he’s made a massive financial decision that affects all of us without telling me. And then to say it’s none of my business when it’s coming out of the money we use for our family is making me even angrier.

He says I’m making it into something it isn’t and that I’m being unreasonable. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable expecting to have known about this or if he is right that it’s nothing to do with me.

Would you be upset if your DH had been doing this throughout your marriage?

Is anyone else wondering how someone so easily taken advantage of and bad at financials (like, paying for a house he has handed over and with no right to it once the mortgage is paid off, apparently) gets to earn £ 115K a year?

I’m not sure this post is true after having a think.

Unless he’s on massive bonuses or has huge debts, the maths doesn’t add up.

Me too.. What an actual icon!

He's giving £3k to his first family which must be half his net income. Meanwhile, his other children can't have swimming lessons because ther's no money. Bonkers.

Bonuses aren't guaranteed, either. Overnight I have my doubts, as well.

So his ex wife has a presumably salary earning partner, works herself too and gets her mortgage paid by your H every month. Wow. What a set up to be in. Her current husband is benefiting from it too and is able to potentially save.

So no housing costs and extra £1.8k a month in maintenence money for ex wife. With this set up they can potentially save full months salary and more.

Whilst you are told to cut kids activities and save.

Your H should be putting the money into kids savings accounts so it directly benefits them. Is he minted and stupid?

OP might not be in a position to do this. I suspect if she was in a position to be paying half of her own household’s expenses she’d have more of a grip on where money was going.

Me too. It seems a little..... off.

My thoughts exactly.

Any chance that new baby is his and this is why she stays quiet about it.

Good lord a decent man honours his commitments and gets accused of all sorts!

Or you could read the OP's posts and find out that this isn't about maintenance and support for the children. Not even slightly.

Wow shes got it made ! mortgage payments and maintenance ! I get £300 a month for two kids.
He shouldnt have lied I think its a dealbeaker to me ? But then again you shouldnt bury your head in the sand with finances and also realise that you cant trust anyone 100%

So, who owns the house when the mortgage is paid off in this senario?

Wouldnt it be him? Would this be your larger house when the youngest SC is 18? The ex wife can go...the kids can stay.

This-complete madness. Yes he is a high earner, but he has signed over the house so he doesn’t own it. His ex has a new partner plus a child with said partner and they live free and easy not paying a mortgage or rent! And he pays maintainance on top, so their children have to miss out but his other children have no issues. His ex and her partner should be paying their own living expenses.

Also no child should give up swimming. It’s a very important life skill. My friends son nearly drowned when he was 5.

In theory yes he should contribute to the house his children live in almost full time but it also has to be affordable for all. He’s a high earner yes but it’s not such insane levels that would make £3k contributions to a separate household peanuts. It’s approx 50% of his take home pay and clearly unaffordable. He realising this as asking for relatively minor cutbacks in his household now eg dancing and swimming lessons.

This is the bit to be focused on with him OP. If he had masses of excess income then yeah go ahead support ex wife to raise his older two children in a comfortable home (I’m talking about payments above and beyond basic maintenance calculations - he should pay basic plus whatever can afford on top too!). Right now the only way he can do that is by cutting back in the household of his two youngest children to the extent of basic activities such as dancing and swimming for toddlers/5yr olds being taken off the table. He simply cannot afford to be contributing so much to his older children’s household. It’s impacting his younger children’s lives and that’s the point you need to ensure he takes on board and understands. He simply cannot sustain two households at the level he is trying to and right now it’s your household that is suffering. He should be paying basic plus a reasonable contribution (eg activities additional schooling costs etc) above that which is affordable to both households and all four children.

Have him consider things such as:

• Do his older children live in a larger more comfortable home than his youngest (you mentioned your own home was becoming cramped?). if so why does he feel this is fair. Shouldn't they all have similar homes?
• Did his eldest two do any activities when they were toddlers and young children. Why are his youngest being denied same opportunity?
• Is he aware of his ex and her partners child attending any activities (does that child attend baby classes, toddler activities, dancing, swimming; etc)? If so does he realise he is in a round about way funding that child’s activities via his mortgage contributions meaning his ex and her partner have the disposable income to pay for that child’s activities? Had he considered why he is okay to fund that child’s activities when hes removing his own youngest childrens opportunity to do dancing and swimming?

Exactly this ☝️ what’s stopping the ex from earning to pay her own mortgage.
I’d be having strong words with your DH about this and lying to you from the outset. Unacceptable! My trust would be gone in this instant.

Is there a legal agreement in place for proportionate ownership of the ex’s house given he’s paying for it? Is there an end term.

He is depriving your children to the benefit of his ex.
I wouldn’t stand for it and would want full oversight of all finances as of now.
You’ve been remiss in not keeping abreast of the outgoings but then you know that.

If he refuses he’s financially controlling. You’re having to make cutbacks and deserve to know why.

Right then, he can piss off out of your current home, sign the mortgage over to you and keep paying that on top of maintenance. Sorted.

The youngest children have a nuclear family and a healthy holiday fund I’m sure giving up ballet isn’t going to make a bit of difference to them.

Agree, I would be going ballistic about this. I am all for a fair arrangement but this is taking the mick! With her partners income and her own income, they should have a decent amount coming in each month whilst you two are having to make cut backs. It doesn't make sense he should be paying the whole mortgage payments for them.

I honestly couldn't stay with a man who thought what he has done is acceptable.

Paying his ex wife's mortgage and then lying about it? for years? and making you cut back on things for your children? NO CHANCE.

@Whatalunatic The strangers are his ex's new partner and their new child together, who also live in the house. He's paying for their housing too!

Of course he should contribute towards his older children's housing, i.e. contribute to the mortgage, but he doesn't need to pay the entire thing when other adults live there.

If there is any communication between them to say that it's for the mortgage then there's a good basis for the claim. If the amount is the exact amount of the mortgage, and the money goes into her account and then goes out to the mortgage provider then a court may draw the inference since standard of proof is lower in a civil court, but much shakier ground.

Why shouldn't she be loaded! she was his first wife she helped him set up his life she helped him set up his career she had two children with him who he left at a very very young age. She is now successful in her own right they have an agreement between them that he continues to pay the mortgage he probably got to keep all his pensions and savings and Investments. The second wife coming to the picture incredibly quickly probably if not definitely the other woman has given him a second family incredibly quickly and he's got the good manners grace and the financial ability to maintain and keep his promises to his first wife. If he's lied to his second wife or if he's just not explained the full situation because she's been uninterested in finances that's a separate issue. Second wife didn't care as long as she gets to play stay at home mom and believed she was keeping the lion share of his money second wife is now enraged to find out that the first wife has been taken care of what he should do that's what every man should do he should honour his obligation to his first family before he sets up and starts with second one. His furst wife remarrying, and working hard should not negate her first husband's responsibilities.