DH has been making us cut back while paying his ex wife’s mortgage

[Wifeworries]

Have namechanged.

DH and I have been married 6 years, we have a DD5 and DS3. He has a DS13 and DD10 from his previous marriage who live with their mum and come to us alternate weekends and some holidays. I get on well with both of them, they are lovely children and this isn’t about them.

I knew when we first got together that he was paying the mortgage on the house his ex lives in with the older two. They had agreed she would stay there when they split because the children were little and he would carry on paying it for a while until she could manage it herself. He told me it had stopped before we got married and I honestly never thought about it again. I wasn’t going to interrogate him about it, I thought it was sorted.

DH deals with most of our finances because he earns more than me and is much better at that sort of thing. I can see the accounts and have my own account for personal spending, it’s just always been easier for him to deal with the mortgage, bills etc. I’ve never felt the need to check every payment because I trusted him.

We’ve been talking about moving for a while because the house is getting a bit cramped with the children. We were looking at somewhere with a bigger garden, or possibly getting the loft done and sorting the kitchen out instead. DH was quite keen at first but about 6 months ago he started saying we needed to be more careful with money and couldn’t keep spending like we were.

He was the one who brought up cutting back. He said the bills had gone up and we needed to prioritise things. He suggested stopping DD’s dance class and DS’s swimming lessons because they were too young to really benefit from them anyway. I wasn’t happy about it but agreed because I thought we were trying to save for the house. We also stopped putting as much into the holiday fund and put the kitchen on hold. I thought we were making sensible decisions as a family.

Anyway, I was looking through the accounts last week trying to work out if we could start saving properly again for the work and noticed a regular payment to an account I didn’t recognise. It was £1,450 a month and had been going out for years. I looked back through the statements and realised it was going to an account in his ex’s name.

I asked him about it when he got home and he said it was the mortgage on her house. I said I thought she was paying it herself now and he said no, he’d carried on paying it because the children live there. I asked how long he’d been doing it and he said since they split, so including the whole time we’ve been together and all 6 years of our marriage.

I was honestly quite shocked. I asked why he hadn’t told me and he said because it was for his children and he didn’t see why it needed to be discussed with me. I said well it’s coming out of our money isn’t it, and he said it’s his money as well and he has responsibilities to his older children.

I said I obviously don’t have a problem with maintenance and I’ve never questioned him paying what he needs to pay for his children. This is additional to that though, it’s paying their mum’s mortgage every month, and he’s been hiding it from me. He said he didn’t want the DC having to move house or potentially schools, and keeping the mortgage paid was the only way to make sure they could stay where they were.

I said I’m not asking him to leave them without a home, but I don’t understand why he’s been telling me we need to cut back on things for our children while paying nearly £1,500 a month for his ex’s mortgage. He said the children are settled there and he isn’t going to make them move just because I want a bigger house.

I feel really stupid now for agreeing to all the cutbacks when he apparently had no intention of stopping these payments. It’s not even that I begrudge his older children having a home, I just feel like he’s made a massive financial decision that affects all of us without telling me. And then to say it’s none of my business when it’s coming out of the money we use for our family is making me even angrier.

He says I’m making it into something it isn’t and that I’m being unreasonable. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable expecting to have known about this or if he is right that it’s nothing to do with me.

Would you be upset if your DH had been doing this throughout your marriage?

Why on earth is his still paying that if she has a new partner and a new child??! That would surely be classed as spousal maintenance and she should be paying the mortgage and splitting it with her new partner!

Oh god it’s so much!

OP you cannot accept this!

So why isn’t her new partner putting his hand in his pocket? I assume if they have a child that he is living at the house. In which case your husband is being taken for a mug.

OP your wilful financial ignorance is staggering.

On one hand you want him to do everything and handle everything and on the other you don’t like what he’s done.

Step up and take control equally about money. Including working full time. Otherwise since it’s a second marriage with previous children the vast majority of the money will be his unless you start getting involved.

Him not telling you isn’t the problem for me as you had passed it all to him. Him taking fron your children is not okay.

Omg, my ex earns more than that and I get £280pcm maintenance (he puts thousands into pension each month to reduce his liability 😢)

Over 3k is ridiculous, especially as she works ft and has a new partner.

this x100.
he has just as much duty to house his older children as he does his younger children and I think this says a lot about what a decent father he is.
Secondly I would wonder if this meant he has equity in her/their home? Presumably at a later date he would be entitled to that back.

Depending on his pension contributions, he is giving his ex wife about half of his post tax income. That is a lot.

You shouldn't be "pasting" anyone. She TRUSTED him.
I'd be similar with my DP, wouldnt bother looking unless I suspected something or wanted to check a specific transaction.. Why should I, when I know him and trust him implicitly? She must have felt this way, it is a HUGE betrayal!

It might be said that neither of the mothers of his children are really pulling their weight in contributing to their respective kids costs.

The lie (if he has lied rather than crossed wires) is appalling though.

There’s a big difference between not interrogating every transaction, and being completely ignorant of the joint finances.

Show your ex this thread 😂

What a load of rubbish, first wife and children do not trump the second family, both have rights. He is putting the needs of the first one over the needs of the second one, and why is the second wife condemned for marrying a man with children? Do you think we all divorced people should give up on relationships just because we have children? Nonsense.

Op, there needs to be a frank an open discussion on what he can afford to be equalitarian with all the children. Using your
money (you also contributed to the account) without even telling you about it is a massive disregard for your contribution. I am saying this as a first wife.

It would be one thing if he still part owned it @Wifeworries or there was some kind of trust deed saying he would get a share on sale, but otherwise nobody on your side gets anything out of it. I’d be very annoyed if he was asking the family and I to cut back to effectively fund the ex and new partner …

I think OP has miscalculated the position. She cannot use the, ‘I don’t really get involved’ cop out.

DH gives more than half his net income to ex wife (approx £3,300 per month,)

DHs CMS requirement is actually likely to be significantly less (approx £1000 per month)

DH has approx £2,700 per month left to contribute to his second family finances and OP has not sought to question this.

OP must be earning well herself, if on top of their large mortgage/ utilities/ transport/ food etc they have a holiday fund, kitchen renovation budget, extra curricula's for their young children and husband has only recently advised that they need to budget a bit more.

Doesn't add up, unless OP is contributing a similar net amount, earning maybe 40k+ part time per year herself?

You are not being unreasonable for being upset about this. Paying to keep a roof over his children is one thing, but keeping a large payment hidden for years while you cut back on your own children's activities is a different thing entirely. The issue is the secrecy and the lack of a joint plan, not the children. I would sit down with the full accounts and ask for the whole picture in writing, including what was agreed with his ex and when it ends, before agreeing to any more cutbacks.

I’d be absolutely furious!

This. It's similar to what DH arranged with his ex. As soon as the youngest turned 21 it stopped, as agreed, and the ex sold the house, downsized and repaid him the money.

He is doing it for his family.

I'm almost ... speechless.

So I'm just going to say - This (above).

I'm borrowing your words @Nofeckingway .

of course he’s gotta pay to house his children !! And you are being crazy to not monitor your own finances

If that were happening ,I would want DH to know that a percentage of that house was going solidly to his elder two kids.
Otherwise he could be paying the mortgage of his ex's new partner and child's asset.

Op, you need to put away more savings yourself and try to earn more so that your kids can learn to swim.

Did your DH agree that he keeps his pension and his ex keeps the house? When will he cut back the payments?

You said you'd known he'd originally taken on the mortgage until his ex could afford it, but he'd told you before you were married that he had stopped. Now he says he didn't tell you he was still paying the mortgage because it was his responsibility and choice. But this isn't a matter of not thinking to tell you or deciding not to tell you if he DID tell you he was NOT paying it. If he never stopped, this is a lie. If he stopped and didn't tell you he'd restarted, he was still actively misleading you by letting you believe that that expense was gone.

While I do think you should have taken a more active role in budgeting - for example, when he said that the younger children's activities had to go you could have looked at what else could be cut instead and proposed that maybe he could cut back to paying half the mortgage as only two of the four people living in the house are his responsibility. But that does not make HIS actions OK. He also misled you again in saying that the children weren't benefiting from the activities rather than admitting that the cost was a challenge.

I also really don't like the fact that He said the children are settled there and he isn’t going to make them move just because I want a bigger house. HE was enthusiastic about getting a bigger house until six months ago; as far as you knew it was a joint goal. This feels like he's trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty or selfish, and that's unfair and cowardly of him. Also he's a complete and utter arse for saying that the household budget isn't you business; if he's trying to make the point that he earns more than you do then he better be damn sure he's doing at least half of the housework and childcare and has consistently since the two of you have been married - which I doubt, given that he only sees his older children once every two weeks!!

So yes, I'd be upset if my husband did all this. It's deceitful and disrespectful and I would have a lot of trouble trusting him again.

His ex actually works full time now so it’s not like she’s unable to work or anything. The house is just in her name now, he transferred it over after they divorced. She’s also got a new partner and they have a child together, which makes me even more confused about why DH is still paying the mortgage on his own.

WHAT?! He's providing a house for her new partner and their child, as well as his own children? His ex and her partner must be laughing their heads off about what a mug he is.

I'd sit him down and explain to him exactly what he's doing and how the adults probably view him as a complete mug. If he wants to provide more maintenance for his children, fair enough, but he doesn't need to completely cover housing costs for an unrelated adult and their child as well, that's ludicrous.

Would he consider stopping the direct mortgage payment and increasing his children's maintenance instead? His ex could still use the increased maintenance towards the mortgage, and she/her partner can also pay a portion.
Your DH could also start directly paying for more items for his children, such as their uniforms, shoes, etc.

YANBU OP. If he wants to pay towards the house then the most he should pay is 50%. After all, the children have got two parents and the ex needs to contribute her share.

That aside, this isn’t really about the money is it? It’s the deception and I would find it hard to move past that.

@HowHaveYouFoundThis Does he have to pay to house his ex's partner and their child as well?

No, he doesn't. Increasing the maintenance but stopping the direct mortgage payments is the way to go.