Struggling to live with in laws feel like ending relationship to escape

[CraftyRoseRobin]

Hi all,
I’ve been with my partner for 6 years we live with his family which include his parents, sister and her 3 children. I moved from Hertfordshire to Yorkshire to be with him. His parents have always expected me to do all the housework and tidy up after everyone. Since having our daughters they have constantly been arguing with me about my parenting and when I don’t do enough around the house. They make comments , have meetings about me and constantly talk bad about anything I do, his mother and father have bullied me and his sister constantly questions him about me. They have given me the silent treatment and stopped me from eating in their home to the point i lived off biscuits and hiding takeaways during my pregnancy when i stood up to his mum for trying to hit my child when she was crying for her dad. After they held a meeting with me discussing all the things I’ve done wrong which include keeping a distance from his parents after they kept making horrible comments to me. They also discussed all the things they don’t like about me. My partner asked me what I would like to do and I asked if we could move out. He agreed but 5 months on everyone else has moved on and I’m still here living with them. Whenever i mention moving out he just says dont start this now or gets angry, i cant cope questioning myself everyday whether im doing enough around the house, being a good mother to my daughters and wondering if im doing anything wrong and feeling like im walking on egg shells. For the most part our relationship has been amazing but his family is causing a strain on us. Is it time to end the relationship. I currently dont work but we receive benefits do i leave and get a place of my own with my children or try working things out. Sorry for the long thread im really out of ideas and struggling

The Questions about my family they can help but in terms of housing etc there isnt any room for me and my children and it would be overcrowded at my parents

"Ashiana Sheffield | Violence & Abuse | Support | Help | Donate" https://ashianasheffield.org

Contact this organisation for assistance.

Your relationship isn't great because when you talk about moving your partner gets angry. He also watches you get abused, possibly your children too.
Can you go back to your own family? You need to get out of there, with or without your husband.

You'd be safe though and only until you get back on your feet? Getting out of abusive relationships or situations is never easy, your confidence eroded and options feel less. There's never really a chance to just go somewhere else that is a bed of roses and all easy. But.. it gets easier as time goes by.

Sure, it will be busy at your parents but it's a stepping stone towards a better, happier and safer life.

I don't understand - you weren't allowed to eat when pregnant ? You and your kids need to leave immediately.

No self respecting culture would promote that. The South Asians I know tend to be feeders and there is always plenty of food.

They're not married.

I feel like i will destroy everything by going back to my parents but also scared in terms of finding another job quick enough to support us

responding to the question about eating I wasnt allowed to eat from their kitchen but also was too scared to cook or put my own food in the kitchen incase they threw it away or tried starting another argument with me

Please DO destroy everything. This is a horrible way for you and your children to be living. Get away from these awful people, go back to your parents, and start afresh.

You are already being destroyed.
There’s not much more destroying to do within your environment.

Come on woman … make a plan, stop being passive and get out of there. If the situation escalates because you make a stand against these bullies, the external Agencies others have mentioned will help you if you contact them first to find out what’s available. Quietly tap into that. Start today. Research is key.

You can do it. You know you can. Be strong. 💐

I am wondering if you are not English as this sounds like such an unusual set up.

I’m not sure what to advise in case you’re from a culture where it is normal to live with in-laws (but then people are usually married?)

Is your partner the father of your children?

Could you get a job and earn enough to afford to rent privately if you were to leave?

Might he come too?

Do you have any family?

It is not usual for grown people to live with parents or to not be allowed to eat. I think you will be better off away from these people. What did your parents say when you told them you werenot being allowed to eat? I think leave, go to your folks with the kids and hopefully they’ll help you make a plan.

I’ve been married 27 years and five years in with the third of four kids just a baby, we built a house next door to my in-laws who gave us the land and were always amazing. If they hadn’t been, we wouldn’t have decided to do so. They have helped us with childcare over the years and have given us tons of support, as we both were working full time. We respected them and they never interfered. Multi generational living is not for everyone. It seems though, that you are very low in the pecking order there and they are interfering too much in your family’s business. You have to look at why you went to live there in the first place. If those reasons are still valid, it might be an idea to try to lay down some boundaries…. despite it being rather “late in the game” to do so now. It seems as though because they are housing you and neither of you are earning, they feel they have a right to say whatever they want to you and your husband allows it! Speak to him, then together, speak to them.
If all else fails, move on.

Leave! Sounds hideous!

And now? How are you eating now?

So you've got the sloppy, broken family structures of one world without any of the liberties, and the daughter in law abuse of another world without any of its protective formalities like marriage. You have the worst of both worlds and it isnt going to get better. Why did you agree to move into this house with your partner rather than asking him to make it so you could get your own place? I think you need to get out

I’m eating okay now and cooking meals for myself and my children and their father because everyone moved on from the situation with no regards to my feelings i think about the situation where they told me things ive done wrong and what they dont like about me everyday since I cant get it out of my head, I agreed to living here because I thought it could work but I guess not. But Im going to plan to get us out of here and if my partner doesn’t come i hope he realises what his family are really like because being told to ignore their wrongdoings while they scrutinise me is not ok

I've known some people live in multi-generational households (some who came from other countries, and some not, so not just a "cultural thing" before anyone asks) and sometimes it's great. Babysitters on hand (!), care available for people who need it, help and support.
Other times it just doesn't work. One person unwillingly doing all the work? Grandparents hitting kids against your will? Just no. Have you tried to talk to them again? If this doesn't work for everyone, it needs to change.

You have a partner problem. He should be on your side here.
if he is not, it’s time to plan an exit. Your children are learning how to be treated . Th is is not ok.

Culture shouldn’t excuse abuse and awful behaviour towards others. Your partner clearly has no respect for you either as he’s stood by and witnessed all of this.

Look up local domestic abuse charities and contact them tomorrow.

Leave the house and use a public phone if you have to so that you won’t be interrupted.

This isn’t how families who love and respect each other act, it isn’t even how people who aren’t fond of each other act. This isn’t normal at all and no religion or culture should excuse this.

Darling, you need to leave with your children, with or without your partner.

I’d then be reporting them to the police.

Op, why do you want to be with this awful man? He doesn’t defend you, he actively allows his family to abuse you.

Why can’t you move to your parents? Are you unwelcome due to brothers and their partners living there?