I’m looking for honest advice because I’m genuinely stuck and don’t know what to do.
My partner and I love each other very much. We enjoy spending time together, doing ordinary things, watching films, cooking and just being around each other. We both want a future together, including marriage, children and a family life. We have a lot in common and when things are good, he’s genuinely lovely. He’s affectionate, kind, spends lots of time with me and my daughter, and makes an effort in many ways.
However, our relationship has been difficult almost from the beginning. We fell in love very quickly, were spending every day together and he moved in after around a month. A lot happened in those early stages which caused hurt and affected my trust and emotional security. There were difficult experiences, things said and done, and situations that I don’t think I’ve ever fully got over or processed. Some of these were quite significant, including experiences around pregnancy and decisions that were emotionally difficult for me.
There were also issues during a holiday when he went for long periods without contacting me, including around nine hours at one point. We’d agreed on certain boundaries around going out, but those weren’t kept either. These experiences added to my insecurity and made it harder for me to trust him.
I think all of this has contributed to the anxiety I experience now. I know my reactions aren’t always healthy, and I can become controlling, demanding, irritated and struggle to give him space. I take responsibility for that, but I also struggle with feeling that I’m expected to move on from things that were never properly resolved.
From my perspective, I need affection, reassurance, consideration and to feel included and prioritised. I struggle when he makes plans independently, goes out with friends or doesn’t communicate what he’s doing.
From his perspective, he feels he doesn’t have enough freedom or independence. He wants to see friends without it becoming an argument and feels he constantly has to explain himself or deal with my reactions. He wants to feel respected, appreciated and listened to rather than criticised.
We have also had incidents during arguments involving pushing, pulling, grabbing and property being damaged. We’ve both felt intimidated or unsafe at times. I’m not proud of my own behaviour either. We know this isn’t healthy, especially with my daughter around.
What’s confusing is that he can also be incredibly loving. He loves my daughter, spends a lot of time with us, is physically affectionate, spends money on us and has introduced me to his friends. There are good things that make me want to fight for the relationship. But there are also unresolved things that have caused a lot of hurt.
We’ve discussed everything from trust and independence to finances, parenting, family life and marriage. We agree on many big things, but our expectations seem to clash in everyday life. We both say we’re willing to work on ourselves, but neither of us knows what that realistically looks like or whether we can change enough.
We’ve discussed living separately temporarily, but I’m frightened that it would create even more insecurity and distance. Neither of us knows whether staying together and working on things, taking space or accepting we’re incompatible is the right answer.
I don’t want people simply telling me to leave because we’ve had arguments, but I also don’t want to stay in something unhealthy just because we love each other.
Has anyone experienced a relationship where there is so much love but also so much hurt, mistrust and conflict? Can something like this genuinely be repaired? How do you know whether you’re fighting for something worth saving or just holding on because you’re attached?
I’m looking for honest advice, particularly from people who’ve experienced something similar and managed to turn things around, or realised that they couldn’t.