Is pushing women out the way, pushing doors or cupboard door into women a thing some men do?

[Seawaves30]

Hi I was just wondering if this is a thing or if any woman have experienced this when a male partner shoves past you / closes doors when stood behind doors or opens cupboard doors when you are stood behind a cupboard door. These events happen infrequently say every 6-8 weeks and not outwardly violent and could be normal just moving past people and opening doors behaviour, so it’s hard to know. Examples are:

• If I’m stood in front drawers in kitchen and he wants to use the drawer, he will push me with both hands out the way so I move about 30-60 cm but he won’t say excuse me.
• I’m stood in hallway doing something and I’m not aware he wants to go past me he will barge into me with his shoulder but not in an outwardly violent way just in a small quick silent shove with subtle undertone of ‘get out of my way’. He doesn't always do this though, it has only happened a few times.
• again only a few times if i’m stood in pantry with door wide open as he walks in kitchen (I think he would know I’m behind door) and he pushed the pantry door hard so I’m pressed up against fridge, it’s not overtly forceful but feels like undertone of quick relatively forceful subtle aggression. He has done this a few times but one time after I turned his music down as baby crying and he kept turning music up to drown out the sound and I kept turning his music off and he was quite annoyed with me and pushed the pantry door into me so feels as though could be linked. I feel he must know as he must feel resistance as door hits into me and most people would then stop but hard to think back and work it out if it happened so quick he couldn’t think.
• if I’m stood next to cupboard he needs open he won’t say excuse me he will open door forcefully so it goes into my face about an inch from my face.
• whilst swimming in deep sea on first holiday he aggressively kept tickling me so I felt unable to tread water and ragged my bikini top forcefully and I remember feeling scared and swimming as fast as I could away from him so hard as almost like he is joking but I feel uncomfortable with it.

There’s other issues in terms of how he never really seemed to care, delayed taking me hospital when in labour by 2.5 hours when in pain, in second labour midwives had a go at him as he kept saying I didn’t need portable gas and air, and how he repeatedly refused to wheel gas and air to toilet for me. He doesn’t help much with child care or housework when he spends about 14 hours a week on his hobbies, and if I ask him for help he will turn it back to me saying I’m nagging him or subtly mock me how I haven’t got friends to meet or hobbies to do. But I stopped asking him for help with kids or housework about almost a year ago. Despite me being healthy BMI he also use to make infrequent comments on my eating as in to shame me for eating, say how I need to do more exercise and say my portion sizes were too big even when I was eating mostly veg or salad but he stopped this since we stopped talking. I’m quiet in the house and don’t talk to him and stopped sleeping with him about a year ago. It really upsets me the physical intimation type incidents and I can’t get my head around it as when I google it nothing like this subtle type behaviour comes up making me feel it could be me fixating or obsessing on this and I feel i need to stop overthinking and obsessing about the relationship. So I wonder if anyone has experienced this subtle infrequent minor physical intimidation that appears with plausible deniability or I’m aware it could be me more overthinking. I am planning to leave in 1-2 years time. but I want to know if ‘it’s a thing’ about the shoving out the way incidents or pushing doors or cupboard door or doors into women as I’m constantly googling and can’t find anything. Thank you in advance for any comments.

I agree with PP he’s getting his thrills by scaring you, watching you flinch is doing it for him. I am also very scared he will escalate these behaviours. Please reach out for help and get away safely ASAP.

What a disgusting creature.

You are in an abusive relationship with him. Your children in turn are living in a violent home.

Are you married to him?. You certainly cannot remain there till 2028 as that will merely give him
more opportunities to abuse you. You need to plan your exit now and safely and that is where Women’s Aid comes in.

You need a solid, realistic escape plan.

Focus on that instead of trying to rationalise his abusive behaviour.

Yes, that’s my interpretation as well OP, this man likes scaring you. Get away from him as soon as you can.

He's abusive and you shouldn't wait 1-2 years to leave. You will need support - friends, family and your local domestic abuse organisation are good places to start.

There's plenty of women here who have been through it too, so it's a great resource for support and not feeling so alone in the abuse. Being abused is very isolating, so please don't keep it to yourself.

Yes. Definitely not all men, I have a brother, brother in law, husband, sons, son in law, grandsons, had male colleagues before I retired and none of them have ever done this to me or to other women that I've witnessed. Sounds horrible

Pushing anyone out of the way is something no-one over 3 should do to anyone, unless under attack. He is much worse.

If he were my partner, there would be one short blunt conversation and if it happened again he'd be out on the pavement.

You are way past that. You & the dcs need to leave, for your own safety. Time to form an escape plan.

No I have no experienced this, neither my husband or any of my four sons would act like this because it is ABUSIVE.

He’s abusive. Does he treat other people like this? Does he enact this violence in front of your DC?

Look at it this way: if your DH was in your way would ask him to move or would you just shove the door / drawer aggressively towards him?
What would you feel if you were in his shoes, doing these things?

It's basic manners and common decency not to do these things to people, let alone the people you supposedly love

As a PP said, the swimming story gives me chills as does the gas+air during birth story. This man doesn't like you, let alone love you.

Another vote for contacting Women's Aid, at least for some advice.

I would contact Womens Aid it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. They will be able to advise you about how to escape and financial support. Your children are witnessing this awful behaviour - you don’t want them to think this is normal.

@Seawaves30 he sounds horrible. Why did you marry him in the first place? Did he only become like this over time? It really doesn’t matter if his behaviour is ‘a thing’ or not. The only thing that matters is that it’s upsetting you. You need to get out of there asap. 1-2 years of this will be so utterly miserable for you and possibly even dangerous as his behaviour may well escalate to more serious violence and abuse. He’s showing total contempt for you with these subtle shoves and pushes. This is very likely to escalate. There are charities who can help financially like women’s aid, please look into this and get your ducks in a row asap, you’ll be so glad you did

Jesus Christ, you’re not gonna get much advice here other than leave him! What you are describing as a disgusting arrogant violent pig! How long have you put up with his behaviour? I think you have spent so long around it, it has almost normalised to you. I can assure you everybody reading this is absolutely horrified.

yeah it’s not acceptable at all OP. It sounds like he despises you. Was he always like this? I wish women would see the signs before they tie themselves to men forever through having their child.

I remember going to stay with this guy I was dating and on various occasions that weekend he walked so far ahead of me.

The same man also pushed my arm away sharply when I put it around his upper chest area. He had a lot of unacknowledged trauma but his mum physically abused him and I think that’s why he was sensitive about me putting my arm or hand near there.

I was just kind of reaching over affectionately while we were on the sofa so I got a fright when he done that. He had told me once before he didn’t like my arm there but I had forgot because it’s such a normal place to touch.

He could’ve had a bit more patience and reminded me gently. To me throwing my arm off so roughly was the first sign of aggression and I don’t tolerate that at all. So I didn’t see him again after I left his house that weekend.

DH and I will often (gently) open cupboard or doors drawers on each other as a way to get each other to move out of the way in the kitchen - but generally because we’re having a pleasant conversation and saying excuse me every few minutes would disrupt that.

What you’ve described is nothing like that and I don’t know why you’re with him. It doesn’t sound like he even likes you, much less respects or loves you.

Yes - shocked and horrified. Do you not confront him? Hope you have phone number of police for next time. Call them . He needs a police record.

This.

It sounds like he hates you. You deserve better and so do your dc.

Thanks for replies, I’ve never said anything as I’m usually shocked or lately it’s been more reconfirming that the pattern is there and when it happens it helps me feel better in a way for me to realise I’m not imagining it and need plan leave. If I were to say anything he would likely say he’s just opening door or moving past you. Been with him 12 years and there were signs at start and I suggested leaving twice but he brushed it off, then other things happened in my life and I didn’t really pay much attention as signs subtle. He’s never said sorry to anything and it always pattern of he’s right and I’m wrong and if I spoke to him about it I doubt he would admit it. I think if he did clearer actions which clearly meant he hated me it would be easier but as so subtle i find it hard to analyse but i feel last 2 years like a light bulb gone off and wrote everything down. Thanks again for your replies.

Despite me being healthy BMI he also use to make infrequent comments on my eating as in to shame me for eating, say how I need to do more exercise and say my portion sizes were too big even when I was eating mostly veg or salad but he stopped this since we stopped talking. I’m quiet in the house and don’t talk to him and stopped sleeping with him about a year ago

Ugh I hate this. Even if you weren’t a healthy BMI he would have no right to talk to you like this.

It sounds horrendous OP but I’m glad you’re not sleeping with him. I don’t envy the silent thing - when I was younger living in flatshares I had experiences where me and my flatmates would ignore each other and I hated it. It was so stressful living in that tense hostile environment. But the alternatives of speaking to them was worse as it would just end in arguments.

Not normal and very serious. When you eventually react to one of these acts after years of enduring them and all the other bullying you mention, what happens after will be “your fault” and justifiable in his eyes.

I hope you are starting to see how serious and dangerous a situation you are in. The good thing is that you can do something about it now.

I think if he did clearer actions which clearly meant he hated me it would be easier but as so subtle i find it hard to analyse but i feel last 2 years like a light bulb gone off and wrote everything down.

OP I am not sure what the signs were 12 years ago. Maybe it was more subtle back then and he gradually escalated thing, but just to be clear, his actions now are extremely clear signs he dislikes you.

It didn’t take any detective work for me to figure that out based on what you’ve outlined in your posts.

If that’s not super obvious to you now I think it’s really important you engage in reflective practices like journaling and do some therapy if you can afford it.

Your first mistake was suggesting leaving, you don't suggest it, you just do it.
Be honest with yourself, what do you get out of the relationship?!

You need to find your voice. Whenever he does anything like that now, firmly and strongly tell him it’s not acceptable. I would also look to leaving him sooner. Your kids are growing up thinking this is how you treat women.

Exactly. It doesn’t need a discussion
if you want to leave. I am so sad so many women have such low self esteem and either don’t see the signs or if they do see them it’s after they brought kids into an unhappy home. I wonder what can be done to prevent this? More education in society? But I believe nothing will be done on a large scale basis because it suits the powers that be if everyone keeps coupling up no matter how bad the relationships are and having babies. More worker bees. A distracted society. Adults focused on feeding their kids and grappling with shitty relationships rather than scrutinising powerful people .

tin foil hat off 😂

OP do you think he’s sleeping with someone else? A friend of mine was sure her husband was faithful because he was always working - despite the fact they slept in seperate rooms for almost a year but then it turned out he had a girlfriend at work. He later left and had a baby with her. So you may be rid of him before you expect.