What type of man do I need to look for here?

[KeepUpWithTheCarbHashBrowns]

This is all anonymous so I’ll be really honest and frank.

I love warm brown eyes. Soft features. I am 5’4. Don’t really care about height. I’d date anyone slightly taller than me (so about 5’6+). My ex husband was 6’4 and I won’t be too graphic but it’s actually a bit too tall for me, preference wise.

I am a kind woman. Look a bit like a mix between Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson. Hourglass figure with boobs and bum. I am 29 next week. I own my own 3 bedroom, modern home, nice area. Good amenities and in the South East 😀

I have two daughters age 5 and 9. I am divorced.

I am looking for a kind, good looking face that is 5’6+. Not massively bothered about what job they have. Not after cash. Just chemistry and compatibility.

Every man I am keen on and start up with seems genuinely shocked I am after them, is flattered, sort of pursues me back and then ghosts me or the effort just dries up and they take 5 working days to reply after a good start.

Is it age? I am looking at ages 25-32. I think a lot of this is the fact I have kids. The single male lifestyle nowadays is just so many worlds away and understandably, these men 9 times out of 10 still live at home. This doesn’t bother me! But seems to bother them, without them actually saying so.

I have only gone through about 4 or 5 dates so maybe I am just drawing short straws. But it’s so bloody bleak! I can’t understand where I’m going wrong

I know it’s not really a ‘me’ issue, but it is starting to take a whack to my self esteem so I have deleted all apps and put a complete pause on dating for a while now

My lovely friend who is much older than me suggests dating older. She thinks at least 35+. Especially since younger people today usually don’t have the set up for my lifestyle and probably find it far too daunting and don’t have the capacity.

I do think my own age group come across as particularly young now

I'd say you're at an awkward stage of life.
I would think most men 25-32 without kids either don't want them (or don't want them yet) so a woman with two kids doesn't appeal.
Or they do want kids, but of their own, not to raise someone else's, so a woman with two kids doesn't appeal.
There will be some who don't mind, but you'll have to keep trying to find them.

Oh yes i see. Maybe they just wanted sex then so its good theyve been weeded out.

You want a divorced man with his own kids who realised that kindness and mutual love and respect are non negotiables after his first marriage.

I met my partner of 3y at work. He was midway through a divorce. He's the kindest man I've ever known. 46 now but then I'm older than you (38).

I wouldn't date a man under 35 for love nor money. Children.

I wouldn’t have wanted a woman with kids already when I was that age, I’d have been concerned I’d be going to end up bringing up another man’s kids if the relationship progresses. Also it’s not going to be as fun when you’re having to work around child care etc. (Not all men would mind but if you have options then you’re definitely going to choose a child free woman, just the way it is).

After I got divorced and already had a child I didn’t mind, in fact it was actually better as we were both on the same page regarding children and life stages. My current partner has her own older kids and we’re all good, I’m 50 and she’s 47.

Yep, I’d agree that they do come across extremely childish below about 35! Certainly below 30, they are like kids despite being the same age as me (and not just because they don’t have children to be responsible for)

If I’m looking for a divorced man, the average is going to be at least 10+ years older then

@KeepUpWithTheCarbHashBrownsir I'm honest, as I approach 40, if it wasn't for my angel of a partner I probably wouldn't bother with men for anything aside friendship and casual sex (with different men for both). I look at my incredible female friends married to ordinary men, where they do most of everything and he's just sort of there, and think why bloody bother.

however at 29 I would've felt very differently.

i don't think you find many divorced on your side of 40 I'm afraid. Why exactly do you want a man? It doesn't have to be forever if you want company and romance, in which case the young 'uns (pre 35) are fine

I’m the same age, own my own house but have one child who is 3. I haven’t started dating yet and I don’t know where to start! I think single dads find it easier to date again as they have a lot more free time. Single mums usually have their children full time or most of the time.

You can look to date men any age you want, BUT will those men want to date you- (most) single men in their 30’s will probably be looking to date someone who they can have their own biological children with, that’s not saying that you won’t meet men , but they have to like you and your situation back

Well of course that’s what I’m actually asking - as in, who will want to date me

I was hoping some other parts of me will compensate for the other stuff with the hope they’ll overlook it 😁

@KeepUpWithTheCarbHashBrowns
I dont think you should focus too much on the age thing, maybe broaden your search parameters a bit but age doesnt really mean anything.

I have clearly found a mumsnet unicorn as my DP has no children, doesnt want his own, but adores mine and treats them as if they were his, and he is 27! So there are men out there who dont mind single mums, yes the pool of them is smaller but dont be put off by all you read on here....

Keep your boundaries and stabdards high, and I wouldn't be passing on personal details like Instagram until way past a 5th date.....good luck!

Be careful- yes most men in their 20s are childish, but not all. My DP is the most mature, emotionally avaliable, affectionate, thoughtful hardworking man ive ever met, and I could have easily ruled him out when we met as he was 25.....but people arent always the same

Or just understand that you're not doing anything wrong, but appreciate why 5 attempts really isn't that much to find a match.

And do you know how many women ghosted him during the OLD process?

OP, you sound gorgeous and like a great catch.

I think it's maybe just that you haven't been doing it for that long, plus having kids at an age when a lot of men still think of themselves as the kids, plus the pernicious effect of online dating that makes finding a partner feel like a consumer choice in which it's reasonable to exclude people for not meeting an imagined ideal. Meeting people IRL is a much more human way to do it, because you can first of all feel attracted to someone, then discover you get on with them, and only then decide whether things like children are a deal-breaker. You are probably being excluded by countless men who would actually feel thrilled to go on a date with you. OLD is binary, human attraction is analogue.

Trying an older range is an idea but only if you are actually attracted to those men. Maybe look into other ways to meet people eg speed dating or supper clubs?

4 or 5 dates, that's nothing! I was dating for years, although I'm not saying it'll take you that long! You're going to need some patience with online dating and lots of filtering. It got to the point where they had to tick every single box before I considered meeting them. Yes raise your age range definitely.

You don’t need to date older men if you don’t want to! But you might need to be a bit more objective. If you have two children, men still living at home are just light years away from you in terms of life stages.

You're talking as if it's completely inexplicable that someone who is pretty, kind and owns a house wouldn't immediately make every man she dates fall in love with her. Sorry, but that's not how it works. You can be pretty and nice and still not be compatible with someone. For perspective, I know men who are nice people and are attractive, but whom I would still not want a relationship with in a million years. There's just so much more to chemistry and compatibility than 'She's attractive and seems pleasant enough, I suppose'. There are a million reasons why you might not be quite what someone is looking for. None of them are bad things - they just didn't think you'd be compatible.

That certainly might be because you've got children - realistically, very few men in their 20s would relish the idea of becoming a stepfather to a nine-year-old, and yes, that is going to put off a lot of men of your own age. Equally though, it might just be that they didn't feel you had enough in common or they didn't feel that you clicked with them. That's normal when dating.

I thought me owning a house would attracted some men like bees to a honey pot (not that I want to but a PP said not to even mention house ownership because of chancers and poncing). But it turns out, from what I get a feel for, that men who are on paper successful with their career but just can’t afford their own houses yet feel intimated by it

A male friend who is a a fair bit younger said he would feel out of depth dating someone attractive who he couldn’t ‘provide’ for. He said it’s a bit sexist but it’s just factual, in his view

15 years ago I used to do a lot of online dating and would say "I have my own flat, good job, don't look too bad, keen runner", and as a pp said, conversely all I got were stupid idiots trying to sponge off me. I had thought I'd attract nice guys.

I wouldn't call it boasting, it is merely telling the truth but so many men will make a beeline for you based on your description. Most of the men I met on OLD didn't even have jobs! One came round after talking for a month or so, and spent all evening popping to the local Tesco to keep buying Red Bulls! Left his empty cans lying all around my house, then asked when he could move in!

When I relaxed a bit and left out bits of info, I suddenly got much better matches.

I do t think it has anything to do with home ownership. I think it’s your children. You’re at a different life stage.

The son of the owner to my local shop recently asked me out and I have agreed to go! Mind you, he hadn’t actually asked if I have children so I’ll present that to him when we meet…

He is about 29-31 I’d say. I haven’t actually asked…

Don’t add them on Instagram by default. Vet them first. They have to earn your trust.

Regardless of your age you may have to kiss a lot of frogs. I did and I was 46 with 2 teenagers when dating online.
How soon do you add each other to Insta nowadays? I remember back then, 14 years ago when I was dating, I never added any of them to my fb, it was considered too private to share personal stuff with a stranger as they are after just few dates.