I'm straight. I've always been attracted to men. After a lot of back and forth, I even dated one (for a godawful amount of time, too, by the way). Except that relationship has completely screwed me over. It's been years and I haven't dated anyone else.
My understanding of consent is gone. I might even be asexual now. I swing between extremes of repulsion towards the male species versus an intense kind of hate towards them because I'm convinced I'll never get the love I wanted. Every women I know in a relationship is compromising. Every man to me has either assaulted a woman, has continued to associate with an assaulter or the secret third option, done something against women that people are not aware of yet. (Hell, have you ever opened a p"rn site and seen the kind of views the most degenerate videos get? And if poor middle school me can stumble across someone's r"pe fantasy, what's to say my future husband hasn't?)
Maybe, I do ever date a man again, and hell, I get married to one. How do I know he's not like my ex and won't change colours years down the line when I've let go of my job and am raising kids? Screw assault, what if he harms me? The stats speak volumes. What if I end up as a case on the paper, too?
Somewhere along the way, my fear of men combined with my desire for love has melded into this soup where I can barely talk to a man without being curt for no apparent reason. I feel intense dislike like "this is a male and this male has sexual desires and is hence, disgusting. There's something wrong with him, I just don't know it yet".
The idea of dying alone is simultaneously terrifyingly lonely and also a relief. Not to mention the repercussions of living with all this hate in me. I've already somehow begun to drift from my male friends. What do I do?
[And no, therapy isn't an option, thanks]