I like him but he is also so strange

[Electricblu]

I know that this will make me sound like a terribly judgemental person, but I am questioning myself and it's not like me.
We met a few months ago through work (I do training and development for corporate businesses) and I can safely say that he intrigued me from the start. Very charming, confident and almost cocky on the one side, but a completely different person once without an audience. I'm obviously used to this through my work but not to this degree, and I still can't fully tell where the real him is in between those two degrees.

There are other things that are odd but it's mainly this complete switch between characters that throws me off because I can't tell who he really is, because it happens so quickly and smoothly.

I know that this will sound very strange but I don't know how else to explain it.
I know it's my own fault for having pursued this and I really like him, but I also wonder what the hell I am doing

He makes you feel confused. That's information. Inconsistency will wear you out over time, I wouldn't chase him any further, no matter how interesting you find his ping pong personalities.

If he actually seems suicidal should you not be signposting him to his gp / local mental health services etc as a priority rather than thinking oh, that’s attractive, let’s go on a date??!!

I don't think it indicates any deficiency in your ability to read people. Especially with people you don't know well, you can only pick up on what they put out there.

As far as the work questionnaire, sometimes employers can be more intrusive than they have the right to be, so I could definitely see someone giving inaccurate answers.

Maybe best to adopt a "wait and see" attitude with this guy. :)

I don't think that he is! I thought it when I read his score but felt reassured after I talked to him. But this had been a first to me

Thanks I will!
I think I made a mistake posting here and feel like a fool now!

Run….

Why? I just said that I don't understand him.

Why on earth would you be with someone who acts so incredibly differently? You’ll never know where you are and who/what you’re dealing with. Doesn’t bode well for a relationship at all.

Perhaps he felt uncomfortable completing the work questionnaire. I’m a massive oversharer and can get on board with a lot of soft skill work exercises but would hate to be given a personality questionnaire at work which I hand to hand in and then have people extrapolating things about me from it the way that you are doing. I think it’s intrusive and really inappropriate to do that as some kind of icebreaker or team bonding exercise.

Don't run then. Continue trying to solve his little puzzles and see what happens.

JFC.

I think you asked a legitimate question op.

I know I will probably get slammed for saying this but I have an adult dd with ASD and she is super confident outwardly at university and work and is actually praised for her presentations, but at home she is insecure, utterly wrung out and exhausted, and needs a lot of time to calm down and then ramp up again. Days in fact.

Could he be autistic? It presents differently in men.

I think the advice of the pp is good. Look at his actions, not his words.

And if you like him, why not give it a bit more time, no one can hide their true personality forever, well maybe high masking autistic women can at work, until they can’t anymore.

Would you feel able to ask him very gently about his mh or why he presents so differently between home and work?

Tbh I would rather have someone who was cocky at work and insecure at home, than the other way around!

Im quite unconfident in reality but at work I used to sort of role play and had confidence mainly because i did know what I was doing. Id also appear sociable and that was me role playing too - I find social situations terribly hard.

So, I am strange I guess. I know Im neurodiverse. Never diagnosed because Im 60 - but my money is on ADHD and possibly a degree of Aspergers.

What I do know is - its exhausting! Once Im home I like to live quietly and not go out much. Happy in my own company.

If you can't get a comfort level with him for whatever reason, then you're just not a good match. When I was single and did OLD, there was a guy who I found attractive and he was really interesting. But this was the first time when dating anybody, even though we saw each other several more times, that I just couldn't relax around him. Then he felt uncomfortable because of my vibe so he ended it first.

Sounds like you can't pin down his genuine self, so it's hard to bond with someone like that. It's up to you if you want to exit now or it give it a few more meetups to see if anything improves.

I don't think he sounds 'strange' at all, actually. I really don't see any discrepancy between someone who seems confident and even cocky at work but is also not necessarily full of purpose and positivity in a corporate personality type questionnaire. I'd probably come across much the same, frankly.

I do think he sounds like someone you are not compatible with, and are unlikely to be able to understand.

If the difference is that stark, I'd leave this one alone unless you like both aspects of his personality.

If you're intrigued by someone, that's understandable, but if you're confused as to who he is, that's not a stable foundation to build a relationship on really is it? I think a lot of women are taken in by the thought of a male mysterious stranger who keeps a private world to himself, but I think the reality of that is very different from the romance novels and films.

So he puts on a show for an audience or in public but is quiet and withdrawn when you're alone.
There could be a number of reasons for that, the cocky show could be to hide his insecurities and that's not uncommon.
Do you like both side of him or did you only like the fake-confident version?
If you don't like who he is behind closed doors then maybe you're just not a good match.
Feeling confused is rarely a good sign in relationships. Have you spoken to him about it?
My ex was a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde character and became progressively more abusive at home, so beware!

Maybe he puts on a front of confidence but has low self esteem or is insecure. I think maybe ask yourself if you really want to pursue someone who doesn’t seem to be being himself and is so lacking in purpose that he scored shockingly low on the questionnaire. He doesn’t sound great on paper (sorry)

Surely no successful relationship started with one of the couple thinking 'what the hell am I doing?!?!'. Not a good sign, and I love a quirky weirdo!

He's a smooth operator there's always a dark side. May the force be with you

If you’ve been employed to provide training and he’s disclosed suicidal thoughts - in jest or not - you have a duty of care and responsibility to involve HR to signpost appropriate medical support and make sure he’s ok

Unless you yourself are medically qualified you can’t know from one conversation whether he’s goofing around with his answers or serious about poor mental health

My husband is a completely different person at work. People think hes motivated and ambitious because he happens to be good at his job. Hes not. People often have to wear a mask at work.

Maybe I just don't know. But aren't most people like this? When I'm 'on' for work I'm nothing like the 'real' me.

Run. Interesting is fine, getting involved will go wrong for you.
Your gut is telling you to leave it in the box; your brain has asked mumsnet.
My educated guess is that he is hiding very dark secret(s) that you do not want to know.

Is it ethical that you are dating a client whose very personal information you have access to on your company systems related to his mental health? 😳 Surely, that is against company policy if not ethical standards.