I’m not really sure what I’m hoping to get from posting this, but I think I need some outside perspectives because I feel completely lost.
DH and I have been together for 9 years, married for 5, and have two children under 4.
Firstly, I want to say that he is a genuinely wonderful dad. He absolutely adores our children, and I would choose him to be their father over and over again. That’s what makes this all so difficult.
But as a marriage, I feel like there is absolutely nothing left.
If I’m being completely honest with myself, I think I’ve had doubts for a very long time. When he proposed, rather than feeling overwhelmingly excited, I remember feeling a slight sense of dread. But he felt like a solid, dependable choice. Someone I could build a life and family with, and I thought that was enough.
Since having the children, things have deteriorated massively. I’ve struggled with exhaustion, both physically and mentally, and he is completely emotionally detached. Whenever I mention that I’m feeling unwell or exhausted, he rolls his eyes or acts as though I’m being dramatic. There is absolutely no emotional support.
I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD, which he thinks is a load of rubbish. The other day I came down with a sickness bug, and his immediate reaction was to swear under his breath because it was clearly an inconvenience to him. I just feel like I can’t be vulnerable around him because I’m met with irritation rather than kindness.
We’ve also had a huge amount of financial and emotional strain. He’s been made redundant three times in four years, which has been incredibly stressful. He also has a very problematic relationship with alcohol. He binge drinks and eats junk food, then spends the following days in a foul mood. He’s started getting into the habit of going to the pub for a drink before nursery pickup and sometimes taking our daughter to the pub after collecting her. I find the whole pattern increasingly difficult to deal with, particularly when it affects his mood and our family life.
We sleep in separate rooms and have done for some time. There is virtually no affection, and when there is, it generally feels like it’s because he wants sex. I’ve become so detached that I don’t think I feel any romantic attraction towards him anymore.
The other night we had a very frank conversation and both admitted that we feel completely over the relationship. We talked about how there’s simply nothing left in the tank and how neither of us feels particularly happy.
But since that conversation, he’s suddenly started making an effort to cuddle me, touch me and be affectionate. I know that probably sounds like exactly what I’ve been asking for, but the awful truth is that it’s giving me the ick. I don’t want him touching me. I feel terrible saying that because I know he’s probably trying, but I think I’ve spent so long feeling emotionally unsupported and disconnected that something in me has just switched off.
I genuinely don’t know whether this is something we could come back from, or whether I’ve simply reached the point where I’m done.
The biggest thing keeping me here is the children. They adore their dad, he adores them, and the thought of breaking up their family absolutely devastates me. I also feel terribly guilty because there is no huge dramatic event that’s caused this. It’s just years of feeling lonely, unsupported and increasingly unhappy.
I don’t hate him. I don’t even particularly dislike him. I just don’t think I’m in love with him anymore, and I’m not sure I ever felt the way I should have.
I feel like I’m going through the motions of being married because it’s what we’re supposed to do, rather than because I actually want to be with him.
Has anyone been in a similar position, particularly with very young children? Did you manage to rebuild things, or did you eventually accept that the marriage was over?
And how do you reconcile leaving someone who is a genuinely good father but no longer feels like a partner?
I feel horribly selfish even contemplating it, but I’m only 35 and the thought of spending the rest of my life in a marriage without affection, emotional connection or love feels incredibly sad.