My friend puts me down because I live in my hometown. Has anyone experienced this?

[muzybhai]

My friend and I have been close since childhood through family friends. I went to college and worked in a big city before moving back to my hometown during COVID. He moved to London before COVID and now lives in Dubai. Ever since I moved back, he sometimes makes fun of me for living in my hometown, saying it’s a shithole compared to where he lives. The thing is, I actually like my hometown, and so does my wife. We have a kid, I work a hybrid job and travel to the city twice a week, and I even have an apartment there. Moving back wasn’t because I couldn’t make it in the city; it was simply my choice, and I’m happy with it. What annoys me is that he seems to think living in a big city or abroad somehow makes him better than me, especially considering his wealthy family helped him financially before he started earning good money himself.

At the same time, he gets annoyed when I don’t make an effort to see him whenever I’m in the city. Sometimes he finds out through social media that I’m there and messages me asking why I didn’t visit him. If I don’t message him on WhatsApp for a few days, he also asks why I haven’t been chatting with him and whether something is wrong. I have a wife, a kid, work and my own responsibilities, so I can’t always be available. From what I can see, he doesn’t seem to have many friends of his own to hang out with, apart from a couple of friends and people he knows through his wife, who is very sociable and has her own circle. I sometimes wonder if he’s lonely or insecure, but I don’t know for sure.

Has anyone experienced this with a long-time friend?

I find it strange that he expects me to make an effort to see him but also puts me down for where I choose to live. I’m happy with my decision, so I don’t understand why he feels the need to make these comments.

No I haven't experienced it and nor would I, as I'd nip it in the bud immediately.

He sounds very needy and very insecure.

so he lives in Dubai but gives you grief because you don’t contact/ visit him when you travel to the city occasionally , so do you live in Dubai also ? Have I misunderstood ?

@BeSharpHelper

I live in Ireland. Me and my friend are Irish.
He is from Dublin. Moved to London and eventually Dubai. He come back to Ireland twice a year. I live in south of Ireland.

It sounds to me like he’s massively insecure and probably isn’t that happy in Dubai and misses old friends, the lack of family support etc. I.e. he doth protest too much. If he comes to Dublin twice a year though and you’re mostly in the south then honestly though who cares. Meet up with him if you like. Sack him off if he’s annoying.

You're happy with your life and you could tie yourself up in knots trying to understand him or just shrug. Stay happy and let his words float around. They’re just flotsam in your life :)

"he doesn’t seem to have many friends of his own to hang out with"

There's a reason for this. It's because he's an arsehole.

Mate, he sounds like a twat.
There's nothing wrong with living in Dublin and you'd have to pay me to live in Dubai.

op do you have many other friendships to compare it to because they don’t sound very nice and if they take the time to make you feel like shit when you see them just stay at home and slam your arm in a door a few times and save yourself the travel at least. you deserve loving happy friendships. no one deserves the relationship you have with this friend.

Be unavailable next time he's back in town.

Have you been to Dubai? It’s definitely a bigger shithole than most towns in Ireland.

Let him do him.

I moved away to another country and never looked back on my hometown. It is definitely a shithole. 😂 I don’t know how anyone still lives there, but I’d never say that to my friends’ face.

He sounds rude and entitled.

He’s a prick.

Ignore him.

@DorsetKnobBiscuit Speaks the truth, he is an arsehole, not a very nice friend. I'd not put out myself out for him, the big arse.

I wouldn't particularly like to live in Dubai.

Sounds like you want out of the friendship anyway

Tell him and be honest but kind

Worst case scenario, hes a dick
He could also be awkward and shite at banter

Either way, just put an end and leave him to it x

Tell him that his “banter” is not funny and you don’t really want to stay in touch with someone who puts you down all the time. End the call (or send it by text) and take a bit of a break: if he apologises go from there.

Yes, but we lost touch a long time ago. We were close school friends, I did college, job, husband and mortgage, she moved abroad, lived in several countries and travelled extensively, learned many languages. I realised when we’d meet up she would look down on me and suggest people who choose what I chose were boring, except I was happy with my choices. I’m glad we’re not in touch anymore.

Can he just not afford to come home is that it? I mean Dublin is ridiculously expensive so maybe he is jealous that you have gone back to your roots and he cant afford it. It sounds like massive projection on his behalf and also Dubai is an utter kip of a place and I couldn't be paid to live there myself.

Yes I've experienced some things a bit similar. I didn't go to university and have had old "friends" make all sorts of weird assumptions about me because they did. It's like they think everyone that doesn't move away actually has no life experiences and is frozen in place in 2004 somehow. They can't really imagine that we all grow, change, and learn in our lives, wherever we do this.

It reminds of when little children aren't completely sure that everyone else carries on existing when they leave the room.

I think it's human nature to think that the decisions you make are the best, the problem is when you don't realise that other people have different priorities to you and have made those decisions for completely rational (to them) reasons.

I had my children relatively early compared to my peers (i.e. late twenties) and faced a bit of minimising of me. Like assuming I was too stupid to do a professional job or not ambitious or lazy. Not from good friends (I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour from a friend) but other people I encountered. They wouldn't have made the decision I did, so therefore I must have been beneath them.

HI sounds lonely and insecure in his dazzling new life! He’s jealous of your happiness and family. I’d just reply “I love my life, I’m really happy thanks. You do you, I’ll do me, but it’s not nice how you try to make me feel bad for being happy here. I wouldn’t want your life, you apparently wouldn’t want mine. That’s fine. We’re both happy where we are. Aren’t we??”

I don't think living in Dubai is very safe at the moment. Do you?

He just sounds like a knob bigging himself up to try and look sophisticated.

He is desperate.

Ditch him.

He's jealous of you, end of. I'd still tell him how happy you are with your life though, next time he pulls that shit

He sounds like an insecure arsehole which explains why he hasn't many friends.
Bigs himself up by putting you down.
Arsehole.
I wouldn't bother responding to hin.
Leave him on unread.

I have an ex pat friend like this. So arrogant and turns into a painful bore when they come home to visit. Luckily it’s once a year but the circle of friends dread the catch up and do so out of duty. Always happy when it’s over.