I know this has all been discussed before but I really need some help

[mystery]

I do post a bit on here but have decided to change my name for this one, not sure why but feeling really low and insecure at the moment.

I know there are tons of threads around at the moment regarding breakups/problems within a relationship but just really felt the need to get some advice on my situation.

DP told me last night that he is pretty sure he wants to end our relationship. We have been together nearly 10 years and have 2 DS aged 7 and 3. Of course I am gutted, but it is not totally out of the blue if I am honest and we tend to have a blow-up like this every 6 months or so. The last few times he has intimated he is not sure he wants to stay with us, but I have managed to pursuade him that we can make it work.

The thought of bringing our 2 small children up by myself is just horrifying, and I am crying as I write this. I know I will cope, I will have to, but I feel so much sorrow especially for the 7 yo as he will know exactly what is going on.

If we do split it will mean we will have to sell the home we are in, and there is no way I am staying in this area as I have no family support whatsover - a few good friends but they of course have lives of their own to lead. It will mean a move away (1.5 hours) so that I can be near my family.

DP is not fantastic with the children if I am honest, and over the last year or so his patience with them has deteriorated quite a bit. He does do things with them, but mostly at my instigation, and quickly gets cross with them if they mess around or are just being 'children'. I know he begrudges the fact he can't go out 3 times a week and do 'his' things, in fact he has been saying recently he should never have had children, as much as he loves them (and I know he does).

He says that breaking up will 'crucify' them - and I have to wonder how he can actually go through with this, bearing in mind he won't see them every week probably, if we move away. I don't think that our relationship is THAT bad, I really don't, especially when talking to friends and comparing things - I really honestly feel we are normal whatever that means. We do row occasionally, but mostly things tick along. No massive highs, but no massive lows either, apart from at the moment.

Money is a major factor at the moment as we are totally broke, and I know that as he works quite long hours, he feels he should be able to afford things when he wants them, and at the moment we just can't. I did work from home for a while but that stopped last year so we have lost my salary. He does worry a lot about money but won't talk about it, and he doesn't seem to want to sort it out. I feel that this breaking up thing is a way out of the worry for him.

Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading it and I guess I just need some guidance about what to do now.

does he take them away fishing for the weekend? maybe you could all go camping together.

thankyou everyone...

Yes I could suggest we go camping.... we would enjoy it and I know it doesn't cost much. I know what will happen though if we introduce the 'fishing' element - he'll spend the whole time moaning that the kids aren't being quiet and I'll get angry on their behalf.

Welshmum - liked your comment re roleplaying leaving You've gotta laugh haven't you.....

I am dreading this evening. As things stand at the moment all that was said yesterday went like this (following me having a go at him shouting at the children again):

Me ' I think you need to have some time away from us - could you stay with your M&D for a few days?'
DP ' I'm not doing that'
Me 'Why not?'
DP 'I think it needs to be more permanent than that'
Me 'Is that what you want?'
DP 'Yes, I think it is'

He then went out for his night with the lads.

So nothing definite has been sorted, but I know when we talk tonight, from past experience, he will say he can't take anymore and he wants to put the house on the market.

Alternating between panic and anger at the moment.

Mystery, no real practical advice for but lots of sympathy.

I too was once a role-playing widow. And I hated, hated, hated every minute. And that was before we had DS! (Who is now 12 weeks).

Why do some men behave like this?

What do all these role-playimg men do?

It's like Dungeons and Dragons, flashingnose.

IMO it is utterly boring, pointless and tedious in the extreme.

Ppl who do it as a hobby tend to absolutely love it and be obsessive about it. AAARGH I HATE IT!

bringing back some bad memories there..sorry for hijacking your thread mystery, I'll shut up now.

• D & D but in person??

Got it in a nutshell.

mystery,
He seems unable to realise that while his life has changed, he should embrace the changes rather than resent them. AND stop blaming you for causing these changes.
However, ignoring his problems it sounds to me like you are staying with your dh because the kids and because it's easier than being on your own - I don't get the impression that you particularly want to be with your DH for your self.
It might help if you can figure out what outcome is best if your DH cannot reconcile himself to his life now - do you want to go on as you are or would you rather make the break and while it will be hard for some time you could well end up happier (and might meet someone else who will appreciate you)?
Sorry that might not be what you wnat to hear, but I think if you see past the fear of being on your own you might realise it's not the worst thing to happen - which will gove you strength to save a marraige worth saving and not just because you're afraid of the alternatives.

Oh my God you poor thing, I am going through exactly the same at the moment, my dh has decided he doesn't love me any more and cannot live with me but won't move out so you go figure!!! men are so selfish it's untrue

mystery - so sorry to hear you're having a tough time.

As for the role-playing... I actually send dh off to gaming sessions from time to time so he can't say he doesn't get a chance to do it . I personally don't get gaming too much myself though I have dabbled in it a little bit but am utter rubbish at it ... it seems to be a predominantly male domain with some brave women gamers as well.

I like playing board games but ususally am too tired to be bothered tbh. I know dh would like us to do more together but with 2 kids (3y & 5m) I've got other priorities (doesn't really include gaming and nookie iykwim). So far no major friction though, besides me telling him off on a regular basis for loosing his rag with the kids too quickly.

Also money is VERY tight and sometimes I do wonder whether he's happy with us but he says yes...

so you see... I can understand your situation quite well and feel for you.

Hope everything works out for you whichever way things go

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

Mystery, did the relationsip start to change when sex became less frequent? Men are sooo basic and need sex and, if it is avoided, the couple can grow apart. Sorry if I am telling you to suck eggs. And sorry you are going through this. And Lou. And Nailpolish. Sounds ghastly.

Mystery. Just a thought...
Have you ever considered that life might be easier and happer for you WITHOUT having to constantly worry about dealing with such an obviously immature and selfish man?
A lot of single MNers have said this.

am i so naive but wht is role playing. acting ?

am i so naive but wht is role playing. acting ?

where have i been all my life. certainly havnt had a cushy life. its been hell at times and have gone thro some large learning curves but still cant fathom out wht role playing is. games ?

aerobics... roleplaying is when they play fantasy games (you know... dragons, heroes etc.) either with cards, figures or in real live

Mystery, I am having the same struggle as you. I wish I could say someting special but I can't. My DP tells me he loves me but he isn't in love, he tells me he cares but rarely speaks about it, he tells me he wants to work at it - but he doesn't.

I don't doubt his love for DS a moment, he is a perfect father and that is why I struggle with the idea of us breaking up - however, he doesn't feel that fuzzy feeling for me and I cannot force it from him either. I am stumped because my bolshy side is giving him the proverbial two fingers and my other side is looking at DS and wanting that father figure for him.

We will both find our way I am sure xxxx

I have fleeted through some replies so forgive me if I repeat some/all of them.

Mystery, there are alot of us here who have been through a similar pain which you are going through right now. It will never be the same, I know but you must pick yourself up out of that rut and think about who you are. First and foremost, as all of us are, you are a human being... yes, first. To be a parent/mum you need this to come first. You need to get yourself going in a direction.

You may hate me for this but your dp has said that he wishes to end the relationship. It bloody hurts, I know. Think about after you have convinved him to stay... will it be the same? Will he resent you for keeping him there? You mentioned yourself that he is impatient with the children. What next - will he become impatient with you?
Personally, and it is only my feelings, if it were me (and I know it isn't) I wouldn't trust him if he were to stay. I don't think I could tiptoe round just to keep him. what would happen in the next heated arguement? All this would be raked up, he would have a fantastic excuse to go "cry" on someone else's shoulder - or something.

I have to say mystery, that life is too darn short to mess about. You will find strength in yourself and in your children. Of course they are not silly, they will know what goes on. In many ways it will help you as at least one of them is old enough to talk to. You must put you and your children first. Are you really going to be happy knowing that he is staying just because....? please don't hate me. Let him go.
Perhaps you could be one of these lucky couples who depart as mates or at least with the children in mind and remain on a level footing? He seems to be the type of person who is at least honest with his feelings... try talking it through with him.. "what would happen IF you did go??? etc... "
I expect you have asked him why he feels he wants to leave? Are you sure you are happy with that answer? Is there anything else you can change about you which might help? At least, if it didn't, then you would be a step closer to rebuilding your life for the next lucky chap.... and they do happen!

It could work if he stayed but is that a risk you are willing to put yourself through... again. I certainly couldn't. I know it is different to your situ but I tried to convince my ex to stay. I loved him dearly. I ended up not trusting him and that eventually broke us. We parted enemies and 5yrs later, we still hate with a vengeance. This has effected my kids more so than the actual dirty deed of him leaving (with my foot up his ). Only you know the best for you and your children. At the end of the day, I reckon you need to sit yourself down and give yourself a good talking to... find out what it is that YOU want from any of this.

Please please don't hate me... you are doing great so far. I have a feeing you will be stronger from all of this.
Hugs & love.

hi mysterty so sorry to hear your dp wants out. it is very painful especially when kids are involved. my two older kids were of similar age to yours when i split from my exdh.it is very hard for a while but time is a great healer. sounds like dh has made his mind up. you dont think he has met someone else do you ? if he does go he will then realise what he has lost. a wife who wants him and two lovely children. bet he will go through some regrets and see that life isnt so rosy when he is single again. bet he will get many lonely times as well. With any big decision in life there is always a sacrifice, his sacrifice will be losing that closer parenting with his kids. thinking of you at this horrid time. lots of luck !