My dad is dying and I'm not sure how I feel

[Nevercansaygoodbye123]

I am a 57 year old gay man, and I'm really after some advice/information/perspective?

I've never really liked my dad. He has never been abusive, but we have never really got on. I got on far more with my mother. I think I've tried to make him proud of me, but I feel it's never happened. Tried to be interested in sports at school - not interested in any. Tried not to be gay - too interest in men.

I can remember a number of incidents where I just thought you're not very nice.

He taught me to ride a bike, but this was more telling me off when I did it wrong rather than encouraging me.

I remember getting a dartboard and Subbuteo for Christmas when I wanted neither. And him having darts matches with me, I wasn't very good at darts and hated it. And he constantly lost his temper with me for not taking an interest.

When my mother died he put a notice in the newspaper but didn't include the name of my partner of 20 years, although my sister's husband's name was there.

After my mother died and he lived alone I phoned him every day; when he went into an old people's home he refused to have a phone - mobile or fixed and that cut me out as I don't live near him. On the occasions I visit he remarks he didn't know I was coming.

Now he is hospital and it's not looking good, but I don't really feel upset.

Thoughts?

i didn’t like or love my dad. When he died it was still quite stressful because everyone else in the family were upset. However I didn’t actually feel sad or grieve after he died. It’s been 5 years now and I still feel the same. We are sort of expected to grieve over our parents dying, but I suspect that I’m not that unusual. Maybe you will be the same, or maybe not.

I think you’ve already done enough and I’m so very sorry for what you are going through.
You are grieving not having a life of a son with a supportive father.
You are grieving your mum as it’s clear she was very dear to you.
Whilst it is great that your sister is supporting your dad and you acknowledge that she is it appears that she is not making life very easy for you.
Facebook - I left it some time ago now mainly after a friend lost her dad and her and her sibling went to war on there. It was absolutely awful to see and yes those passive aggressive comments are all about getting validation which is a bit pathetic when you think about it.
I can’t imagine what you’ve been through with your sexuality - I am just a few years older and in my working class Northern city in the early 80’s sons weren’t allowed to be gay. If they were they had to move to another city. Now and again there were some supportive parents but I saw a lot of hurtful of rejection.
Please know you are a loving, caring man and you’ve done what you could.
At some point when your dad does die, go to the funeral, hold your head high and then….
Live. Live your life with the man you love, and your friends and the people who bring meaning to your world. I bet in that family, the family you have chosen, you are much loved and respected.
It is really normal to feel very little when a parent dies for a variety of reasons and it’s such a taboo subject at times. You mourned a relationship your dad refused to give you a long time ago.
You deserve to be cherished, loved and respected so be around those who bring that to your world. You deserve it.

I'm sorry this is your family , she doesn't sound much better than your father.
I hope your 'family' is your partner and your friends.
It's sad that many of us just don't have a family like the Waltons , perhaps let your sister know that you are grateful to her for supporting your dad ,she must have a lot on her plate, but sadly when your dad is gone it may be the end of this relationship too.
Don't feel guilty about not feeling upset, easier said than done but sometimes , many times ! we are closer and love people in our lives more than our own flesh and blood.

@Nevercansaygoodbye123 not everyone gets the parents they need or deserve. That's not on you, nor are you responsible for your Father's actions, behaviours or decisions throughout the course of his life.

Both my parents were pretty awful in their own ways. It took a lot of therapy for me to realise I was playing the role of "daughter" because that is what society expected (still expects) me to do. I had to get very comfortable with being ok to accept that I never really had "parents" in the truest sense of the word, and no amount of trying to be the perfect daughter would fill that gap.

You don't have to feel upset, but be prepared for feeling empty, possibly exhausted from holding it all in once it is over. Try and get someone independent and professional to speak to. And enjoy the exploration of you. My best years of my life came after I removed myself from the anxiety of dealing with an inadequate parent.

Look after yourself.

This 💯

No advice but just to say I feel for you. You have done nothing wrong and its a very hard situation.

My brother was gay and didn't have a relationship with my Dad. I barely have one with him either though, mostly because of how he treated my brother. My brother died 2 years ago and it devastated me so I cant understand your sister at all.

Hope you find peace with the situation x

Gosh many thanks for the messages.

I'm going again this weekend as my dad seems to be more 'aware'. A ten hour round trip.

In all the time since I left home at 20 and I appreciate I moved away - sometimes only an hour away: my mother visited me three times, my father twice and my sister twice. Yet I am expected to visit often. And this is not fair.

I was in hospital about eight years ago - very serious - and I accept my mother was ill at this point. I was three hours away from them and none of them visited me.

I know my partner, at the time, phoned my dad regularly, but I can't remember phone calls when I was at home recovering over six weeks from them.

It has always been a one-way street with me doing the vast majority of the running. I appreciate I don't have children, I appreciate I moved away.
This latest comment from my b-i-l that I haven't cared enough I really think is the end for me. I am tired of biting my lip just to keep the peace. I think when my dad dies I won't have to keep visiting (10 hour round trip) and I'm really looking forward to not having to do that - thinking about it it's almost like a weight lifting off me.

This latest tangle with my sister - I just feel like she could have said - is there anyway you can visit sooner - phone the home etc; or give me some idea that I was doing something wrong so I could address it. I'm happy to do anything within my power, including it seems driving through a storm when the news tells us not to drive unless absolutely necessary. And when I do do epic drive she can't say come to this pub to meet us or leave the pub and meet me. I don't need a red carpet, but some acknowledgment that I have made an effort to see them would be nice. I am 'lessened' by them when I would like to be, I don't know 'cherished'.

I am 'lessened' by them when I would like to be, I don't know 'cherished'.

the honest anguish of the unloved child. The rightful anguish!

I know you have people who cherish you op. People who truly see the deep beauty in you. I don’t know you but even here I can see the immense strength and kindness in the way you are handling this and only god knows the hurdles you’ve cleared along the way as a gay man and staying true to yourself.

that clarity and wisdom will grow and guide you as life unfolds and you allow yourself to settle into that trust.

Similar happened to me with my mother. She was a narcissist and spitefully cruel to me 99% of the time, but 1% of the time was randomly lovely. A destabilising tactic to torment me as a child. When she was dying she ramped up the nastiness it was horrific. I went to see her though to say goodbye - for myself not her. I went to say goodbye to the mother who was 1% nice. I told her I remembered these little nice gestures (the time in 1990 that she took me on a drive to see a lake, the time in 1997 that she got me a chocolate bar, the year I got a present and cake for my birthday). She was furious and told me she didn’t really mean any of those things that she just did it ‘to keep you quiet’ it was as if she didn’t want to be remembered nicely! I said goodbye and waked out and decided to shut that door in every sense. I wasn’t sad at her loss I felt sad at the loss of potential for having that chance of her changing or a good relationship with her finally gone but nothing else. I think I grieved her loss many years previously when she was alive and when I was a child if I’m honest.

Perhaps your DF didn’t want the phone to ring and for him to have to make conversation, perhaps he wanted to be left in peace.
Either way, you should do whatever you feel comfortable with. I know from experience that relationships with family change when the one person binding you together dies.

You don’t have to feel upset. It’s OK to accept the reality of your feelings.

however, grief is a funny thing and it can come back to bite you. So I suggest that you protect yourself and the way you may feel in the future by knowing that you did the right thing by him at the end. Visit if you can, write a letter, send cards. Ring the care home to check on his progress.

I speak from experience and this helped me a lot.

Do you think your sister wants to have a stronger relationship with you? It sounds like you’re all crashing into each other with a lot of unspoken expectations of each other.

Sounds like she needs you to acknowledge her life is hard with overseeing care for a dying father and parenting an autistic child and YOU need her to acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can given the distance and also, no birthday greetings or arranging to meet you in the pub - actually that’s hurtful and makes you feel shut out.

I guess the question is, what do you want from the relationship with her? Do you want more regular contact and some kind of involvement in their lives? Does she want that? Or are you both hanging on to this because it feels ‘wrong’ to not have an active relationship with a sibling? Only you can answer those questions really.

If you do want more, then can you have a honest conversation? Say you want to be closer than you are and also, say sorry for not acknowledging your nephew’s illness. See if that opens up a honest conversation where you can both acknowledge what you need from each other. On the other hand, you might not want this at all. Only you know.

I am sorry about your dad though. It’s so hard to not get your emotional needs met by a parent. I think you’re doing the right thing in visiting though. It means that hopefully when he does pass, you’ll have no regrets because you will know you did everything you could.

My situation has some similarities OP.
I think @speakball offers very good insight.
And I agree with what she says, your inner strength and kindness shining through.
Hoping you find resolution, it's never easy with dysfunctional families.

So I went today - left my home at 6am to get to the nursing home at 11.30am.
Dad was out of it, nurse said he had been sleeping all yesterday too.
Tried to wake him, but it wasn't happening. So I sat and read my book and wiped his face when he had a coughing fit but he didn't wake up. After about an hour I went and sat in the communal area, chatted to the nurses a little, stopped a lady getting in the lift when she isn't supposed to get in the lift, and then left ... and I think that was enough. It was just calm, probably as I was there by myself.

Spoke to my sister and she seems ok too, although I didn't go and see her, because it wasn't convenient FOR ME today. Asked after nephew and got more background on that. All seems ok, but I am more guarded now. I'm not mentioning B-I-L text; going to pretend I never got it and if he brings it up I will cross that bridge then. Maybe that's a little cowardly, but I'm not going to chase anymore drama - it generally finds me.

So my dad will die in the next week or so and I'll pop on my big boy pants - cotton and lycra mix maybe - and get on with it. Smile and nod where I have to and then have my own time, whether that will be grief or not...and I think that's ok.

Thank you so much for the comments they all helped so very much.

@Nevercansaygoodbye123 I'm glad that it feels ... right, your visit yesterday (and your contact with your sister).

It sounds like it has brought peace to you.

Just read this thread. OP, you sound lovely. I'm glad there's a kind of peace after your last visit but as others have said, it's important to look after yourself. Hope your partner is a comfort and that you're able to maintain some element of a relationship with your sister going forward, as long as that's positive for you. 💐

Big boy pants are great but sometimes we need something big and warm and fluffy. I think sometimes Mumsnet is actually ‘Mums’ for anyone who needs some warmth and hugs. Keep in touch x