I'm looking for honest outside opinions because I'm struggling to separate the fact that I love someone from how I actually feel when I'm with them.
I'm in a relationship with a man who tells me he loves me and sends affectionate messages. He cooks when I'm at his house (usually a Monday), although it's generally part of his usual routine and he cooks exactly the same thing every week.
He has given me a key, and there are times when he is affectionate and I feel close to him. So there are positives, and I don't want to dismiss them.
However, there are things that have been bothering me, and they seem to be adding up. He asks me questions, but they tend to be surface-level. I don't often feel that he asks deeper questions about my thoughts, feelings or experiences, or follows up on things that matter to me. I want to feel that someone is genuinely curious about me and wants to understand me.
Sometimes when we're together, he seems distracted or as though he's not really present in the room with me. I can feel as though he hasn't acknowledged me properly, even though we're spending time together. I sometimes wonder if he is going to be present.
He sometimes repeats things I say in a way that feels mocking, particularly my accent or how I pronounce certain words. It might be intended as a joke, but he's not generally a jokey person, and the tone doesn't feel playful to me. Im just not sure what he is doing?
There have also been occasions when his comments have felt crude and disrespectful. For example, I was talking about a man on the beach who hadn't picked up his dog's poo, and he responded by saying something along the lines of, “I bet he's the type not to wash his cock either.” It wasn't so much the words themselves as the tone in which he said them. It didn't come across as a joke or playful banter; it felt disrespectful, and I was uncomfortable with it. I have sometimes said, I missed you this week and he will say 'you missed my fat one didn't you'. Im all for banter but hes quite a serious person usually.
If I'm being silly or playful, he can roll his eyes. I want to feel comfortable being myself without feeling that I'm being laughed at, belittled or made to feel foolish.
This is something I've been thinking about quite a lot. When I was unwell, he told me not to visit because his son might catch it. I completely understood and respected that. He told me to take paracetamol, which was practical advice, but I found myself wishing for a little more emotional thoughtfulness.
When he became unwell himself, I bought him supplies to help him feel better and dropped them off at his house because I wanted to look after him. I wasn't expecting him to do the same thing in exactly the same way, but it made me think about the difference between how I naturally express care and how I experience care from him. He did later send me a loving message appreciating what I'd done, so I don't want to ignore that either.
I suppose I'm trying to understand whether we're simply different in how we show care, or whether I'm consistently wanting more emotional thoughtfulness than he naturally offers.
I often feel that I take on more of the practical side of things, including driving, sorting parking and suggesting or organising plans. I would like him to take the initiative sometimes and think ahead about things we could do together. I want to feel that the effort is shared rather than having to make things happen myself. Although, he did just pay for us to have a weekend away. I organised. Because he paid, I paid for food and bits and drove. However, when we were away, I was the one parking, charging, going in to get coffee's. He did hand me his card but as he paid for tge accommodation, I wanted to contribute but it was lots of stops in coffee places, lots of driving and parking and charging the car and getting tickets. Popping into shops for essentials. I don't want to dismiss his efforts. He did buy us the final meal as he had a big expensive steak so I did take his card to pay. My back was hurting and he did give me a massage.
One evening I went to his feeling quite disheartened. Id just had results from biopsies (months of investigations prior to meeting him) and just emotionally run down. There was nothing huge to worry about but it meant another change in lifestyle for me. He didn't ask about it iron how if could impact on my day to day. Anyway he noticed i wasn't myself but I said I will be ok. I was also aching from a previous gym class. So during sex that night, he stopped and said 'what's the matter, you don't seem into it'. I was fidgeting with my leg as is was hurting. I said im just in pain. He said 'well its not sexy'. I said Im sorry, im embarrassed about it as I can hardly move. He said I was watching the tv, I totally was not. He asked 'do you fancy me'. I said of course. Im just not feeling myself this evening. It just felt like I ended up reassuring him after having quite an emotional day. That was only one time. He often asks if im ok during sex and tells me he loves me.
His life is quite small and routine, with most of his time centred around home, the gym (in his home) and caring for his son. His mum helps him with practical things such as shopping.
He has depression, and I understand that this can affect someone's energy, motivation and ability to engage with life. I'm not judging him for being unwell or for having a quieter lifestyle. But I'm trying to work out whether our lifestyles, interests and expectations of a relationship are compatible, and whether I would be happy with things as they are.
The confusing part, he tells me he loves me, and I believe he has feelings for me. But I don't consistently feel cherished, understood or appreciated when we're together. Sometimes I leave feeling disappointed or emotionally disconnected, and I find myself questioning why I feel that way when he can be so loving over messages.
I'm independent and capable. I don't expect expensive dates or grand gestures. I want someone who is interested in me, respects me, shares the practical effort and wants to build experiences together. I want to feel comfortable being playful and silly without being mocked, and to feel that my partner is genuinely present with me.
I've started wondering whether I'm accepting small moments of affection while hoping the relationship will become something that feels more fulfilling. I also recognise that I can overthink things, and I don't want to judge him unfairly. At the beginning, we shared ideas. He does tell me im welcome anytime at his house. I also don't want to dismiss, he can sometimes reach out for a kiss, talk about nice things.
I'd really appreciate honest opinions.
I'm not looking for people to tell me to leave him or to reassure me that everything is fine. I'm trying to understand whether I'm expecting too much, or whether I'm recognising that something important is missing for me.