I dont know what to do!

[DeepThoughts]

Hi, this is my first post on here.

Sorry if it is a bit long.

I have turned to Mumsnet in hope of a little unbiased friendly advice.

Basically my partner (and father of my 4yo ds) may being facing a custodial sentence for theft from his previous employer. his soliciter says that he may be facing up to 9 months. He is guilty of the charges.

The problems that I am having is that:
a)I can not come to terms with his dishonesty, as I suspencted that he may be taking things that he shouldn't. When I confronted him he denied it and I ended up apologizing for doubting him.
He has also told many lies in the past about random things.
Although he promises he will never lie again.

b) I am a very frigtened person (I have not always been this way) I am scared to death of being burgled/fires/transport....you name it I probably suffer that phobia.
I live quite a sheltered life, although I do make a point of taking my son out local places. I do not drive, but i can catch a bus to the nearest shopping store.

The thought of being alone is terrifying me.
I am self employed and I work from home, but the money I make will not cover the bills as we have a mortgage to pay.

I am thinking that maybe the stress of my partner, mistrust and doubting him all the time is actually putting me in this state of mind.

I have thought about splitting up with my partner many times, but I am frightened of that too
I guess I am worried I will live to regret it.

My little boy means the word to me, i live for him literally. We are actually just going through an evaluation process for Aspergers Syndrome. However he is fantastic at communicating with me, his struggles are mainly at school. I am worrying about how I will tell him if his Dad is sentenced.

I really don't know what to do right now.
I feel that I should be doing something...

Sory for your problems, but if your partner is sentenced surely there won't be any money coming from him anyway. You sound like you know your stress is because of your partner and maybe you are ready to move on. Could you go to CAB for guidence. Hope it all works out for you.

has he had a custodial sentence before?
Just wondering if he has genuinely been shocked enough to realise the consequences of his actions.

If he has then, dont think there is much of a future IMO. Feel very sorry for your situation though

Do you have family or friends who can support you financially and emotionally?

What has your partner said about it? Why has he done these things? Was he trying to support you or was it not with any positive intention?

I dont know the asnwer but it does sound like you need to spend time with family and friends to support you through this time, whatever you decide to do

no, he has never been in trouble with the law before.
He has been in denial about all other lies too.
He reckons that he has come good now, but i feel it may be too late anyway.

He is a very soft and emotional person, and everytime he thinks that i may want to leave he just breaks down in tears and i end up feel awful.

I guess if he is sentenced i may be able to think more clearly.

The breaking down and crying is emotional blackmail he's not a child he doesn't need looked after.

good idea to leave things until he is away, if thats whats happening. You are right, it will give you plenty of time to think about everything You may surprise yourself and find that you are quite strong enought to have a life away from him. Hope things work out well whichever way they go.

unfortunatly none of my family seem to have any time to talk..strange that!
I sometimes think that it is because they dont want to be honest about what they really think about the situation.

The theft was greed basically, he wanted to give me and ds a good christmas. Little did he know what would come of it!
He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he didnt stop.

I dont know, i just cant seem to look at him in the same way now. I guess that i just totally pity him, but its killing our relationship.

well we all make mistakes and maybe this was his. I think as long as you can talk to him and others in real life about it, and get lots of company, you will be able to keep it in perspective whatever the outcome. i was worried when you said you didnt get out that often - did i get that right?

do you think that i would be a bad person if he was sentenced and then i did not want him back in my life when he is released? I guess this is what i am thinking may happen.

yes, i dont go out at all, other than soft-play and swimming for my ds.

Maybe i am being forced back into my old life...maybe not such a bad thing. I used to be very outgoing.

no, i dont think you would be a bad person if you didnt want him back. He is an adult who knew what he was doing was wrong. It has wrecked your emotional health and wellbeing, and no doubt your DS will be affected too.

You wouldn't be a bad person, I think this is the straw that broke the camels back. We had a friend who stole a vast amount off money, but he didn't get any jail time. Your partner may not either, so you need to sort out in your head what you want to do if this happens.
Good luck.

At least if he is sentenced it'll give you time to think.
As soon as you can go to CAB. Also talk to the people at the local council about housing if you're worrying about that.
Do you work? Jobcentre plus have single parent advisors who I swear by.
I too was scared to leave my exdh. I'd never lived alone. But I got advice, some from mn and went to get professional advice.
I survive on Income support, housing benefit and child tax and am coping very well.
I am training to be able to at least part time and am a hairstylist too so can support myself in the future. do you have any skills or fancy training for something new?
There is so much you can do with your life. Please don't ever feel you need a man to make you happy. If you truly love him then by all means try to make it work, maybe go to relate? But if you feel the lies have been the final straw then go for freedom.

Oh and also agree with the crying being emotional blackmail and the fact he's responsible for HIM, you're not.
Try to step back a bit and see it this someone else's point of view.

Freedom sounds good (but i do feel guilty saying that).

I am self employed working from home, but the buisness is beginning to fizzle as I am not very switched on to it right now.

Can i ask juniperdewdrop were you frightened, i mean being in the house without a man there at night?

I lie awake hearing and panic when people go past the house, and that is with him home.

The emotional blackmail is totally true, i am glad that you also see it like that. Even his family tell me that if i leave him he will never cope.
It puts huge pressure on.

you will be fine on your own at night. my DH is abroad alot and I have got used to all the noises etc. Have you got a dog? That helps too.

Plus, watch whatever you like on the telly, turn the light off when you feel like, eat when you want and basically please yourself and DS.

plus if you cant sleep, there is usually someone on MN to chat to in the small hours!

...some say everything happens for a reason.

forevercleaning, yes i have 2 dogs, very yappy.

you have all made me feel much more positive today...Thankyou!

I feel that there is light around the corner.

I agree that the forced time apart will be good thinking time for you - and I'm sure you will discover that actually you can cope on your own.

Re being twitchy at night - when I was on my own, and now when DH works away (which he does a lot) I have little rituals that calm me down. I have made sure the house is completely secure. Back gate is locked, back door locked and bolted, etc etc - I double or even triple check this before I go to bed. I've worked out the lengths a burglar would have to go to to get in the house - and it really wouldn't be worth anyone's while to bother. And I always bring the phone up to bed with me - I find that reassuring that if I heard anything I could call the police asap. Most burglars are opportunist - they'll go in an open window rather than jump through hoops getting through multiple locks etc. It does get easier with time - you just get used to it.

No DT I used to be more frightened before I left and he was out working at night. I don't know if it's the power you feel from being independent but I felt great. Also I share care with ex (we get on very well) so some nights I was totally alone. Plus the house I lived in was haunted. Crazy to some but it's true.
I'm in another house now and love it even more.
Nothing worth doing is ever easy but the rewards are great.
But then again if you do still love him and think you have a chance then go for it. Only you know deep down.

LOVE..I'm not sure about that one.
we have been together about 12 years, but lots of them were filled with pointless lies.

I do respect him though, but i do think that we have lost our bonds now.