Mother In Law....Arrggghhhhh!!!! Help?

[NewlyMarried]

Right, this is long, sorry. Hubby and i have been together 3 years, married a few weeks.

Hubby confronted my MIL last night over her treatment of me, looking down her nose at me and my family and for her clingyness towards him, constant refusal to accept me into her family (telling me they are so close and it takes them so long to accept 'new' people). At parties she sits between us with her hand on his knee and proceeds to follow him around hanging on his arm and whispering to him. Also, just got our official wedding pics back and she is inapproptiately holding his hand in the pics, he looks awkward as if he is trying to hide it and she is standing all proud and overshadowing her hubby whom she ignores except to criticise the poor man (FIL is lovely by the way!). She was heard at the wedding making comments against my family, needs to know all our business and is snide to me when hubby is not in the room.

Anyway, confronted her last night, she denied EVERYTHING! Say's I am super-sensitive and paranoid. Whilst my hubby was talking to her she was crying her eyes out begging him to tell her he still' feels something' for her and to tell her that this is all from me, that he doesn't have his own mind anymore and "tell me you don't hate me?". I feel she is extremely emotionally manipulative and guilt trips my hubby to the absolute maximum, its so sad for me to watch her do this to him as he gets very upset by it. He is great, he is very supportive, sees all her snidey ways and stands up for me.

However, she denies every single thing, everything - even things that other people saw, even the photos, everything and its all plain to see for everyone except her!!!!!!

She asked to speak to me, told me I was crazy and was crying at first. Within 2 seconds she had stopped crying and was all snidey and quick with her verbal jabs at me. I told her I am not here to be 'accepted' into her 'small, close' family, that I'm a good person, I love her son and that me and hubby are our own family now and if she wants to be part of it, all she has to do is be genuine with me. As soon as I put hubby back on the phone, she was weeping and wailing, telling him she can't take anymore of this and that he has changed so much. I have tried everything to be nice to her and involve her but she always lets me down and digs at me covertly.

We are talking about having kids soon and she definitely does not want that, don't know why but she just does not want me and her son to have kids full stop.

Do any of u have experience of any of this? What did u do? Can I ever hope to have a nice decent relationship with her? I can't do this while she denies everything because if we skip over this now, I think it will never stop. Sorry this is long, any advice will be greatly appreciated.

You will have no problems at all as long as your DH is on your side which he is.

Someone told me before I had children that their arrival would give me more power in the relationship. Sadly, this has not proved to be the case. She is as competitive, undermining and snidey as ever.

You will probably always dislike each other (sorry), but the best way of minimising the impact on your life is to set boundaries now, eg seeing her no more than once a month until she gets the message and keeping your hubby on board (unlike mine who is an overgrown schoolboy where his mum is concerned).

Could you meet up (as a couple) and talk to your FIL?

You're not being hard on her at all. She needs to learn her drama gets her nowhere and gets her ignored.

And don't start worrying about what other people think. People who know her will know the score. She won't be reserving this special treatment just for you - she uses it on people she thinks it will work on. Show her it won't work on you.

Toxic parents list of things they may say if confronted with their behaviour...Ring any bells? Bells with bells on especially no.1 and no.6 ...

1. "It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly us it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

1. "It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".

1. "I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

1. "We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

1. "Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get," or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ....

1. "How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too.

Your dh sounds fantastic for you...sticks up for you and actually sees his mothers behaviour for what it is...good on him!! I doubt this behaviour will stop...a person with normal values would a) not behave this way b) if they did act out of turn and you brought it up...well most would admit to it and apologise...

Don't let your mil mess with your reality, her behaviour is unacceptable and it has to change...if not you cannot be around her. I don't think there is anything else you can do.

Thanks, everyone

Ally90, those pointers all describe what has been the response of my MIL. Tonight we had another to-do. His cousin this time. She called my hubby at work trying to discuss everything (ur mum is so upset, she has been off her work, she is suicidal etc etc) and maybe I done the wrong thing but i called her back, asked her as politely as I could to not get involved.....I got a torrent of abuse, told me I should go jump off a bridge that she wouldn't care cos she has never liked me anyway, she only pretended to even like me at our wedding a month ago....blah blah blah, really insulting horrible things. My hubbys raging, I'm raging too but I never stooped to her level even tho i felt like it. Hubby wasn't there when I spoke to her.

Then MIl came on the phone and hubby was home, more of the same, told me she was embarrassed by me and my family, that I didn't 'reflect her sons status' (he has a very good job, I don't), blah, blah. Very cheeky, sharp and horrible to me whilst wailing, crying and begging with my hubby.

I'm drained, hubby is drained, we are both really sad. We've unplugged the phone. He has been so good, telling MIL he won't accept her talking to me like that etc etc. She denies, doesn't listen and cries. He doesn't know whether to confront cousin or just ignore her forever cos he can't handle what she said to me......he's an ignorer, I'm a confronter.

I read the other post about the good MILs and I just thought 'why can't I have one like that'....I know that sounds pathetic.

I'm having a bit of a low moment. I have a whole shack of unrelated hugely personal and historical problems with my own family which are way too deep for this page, and his cousin told me that as I had never experienced real family love from my own family that I couldn't possibly accept their small close family and wouldn't be happy till I split them up. That is so not true, I'd like nothing better than for us all to get along but now it has been confirmed that they do all actually dislike me strongly. Hubby and I just feel sad, its pathetic but we have both had a bit of a cry about it tonight together.

I think we are gonna cut contact for a while till we can think about it straight because we really do want it to work. Maybe we are just expecting too much and I really have tried my best up until now, I just dunno if I can do it anymore. I actually feel more sorry for him because it makes me sad that he feels sorry for me cos usually I'm the strong one

Your dh is a star, isn't he?
The cousin is a beeyatch!
And don't worry, you're not the first on MN to have an EMIL and you won't be the last!

Sorry that you're going through this.
I have ILs from h3ll (yes, both MIL and FIL are awful- that comment you had about it taking a while to accept new people into the family could have come straight from my FIL!), and have endured many hissy fits from them (had the accusation that I've split up their family thrown at me too). I spent 12 of the 14+ years DH and I have been together playing at "happy families" and "sweeping everything under the carpet" with my ILs, mainly for the wimp that is my DHs sake. End result, it panders to them and makes them think they can get away with their behaviour.

Your MIL isn't used to anyone standing up to her and telling her she's in the wrong. She's getting everybody in the family on board (like mine does) against you. It's a horrible feeling to have it like that. Your husband sounds wonderful though and is completely on your side. You need to realise that you don't have to try anymore; please don't feel that you have to do anything else. They've been obnoxious and horrible, don't be swayed by the their bullying. Keep that phone unplugged for the weekend (it makes them stew and makes them realise that you're not going to come running) while you think about what you want from them to sort the situation out. (If it were me, the minimum I'd want is a full apology from all of them). But when they make contact again, you both need to drum into them that their behaviour won't be tolerated. I've come to realise that hissy fit throwing ILs like these are nothing more than overgrown toddlers! So if they're going to behave like toddlers, treat them as such. Don't make my mistake of pandering to their behaviour because you will end up being miserable while they go on their way, behaving as before.

newlymarried, his family don't desrve someone nice like you, they deserve an evil spiteful cow od a DIL, you sound great. BUT stop trying so gard, they don;'t deserve it. Be a bit more selfish and less understanding, people like them will tread on you if you are nice.

you and your dh will be happy and they can wallow in it.

gard? hard!

Your MIL is toxic, mad as cut snakes and has a narcissistic personality (do a google search on that topic).

Infact all of them on your DH's side of the family are toxic (apart from your DH).

WOuld suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" and "Toxic Parents". These are two separate
publications written by Susan Forward. You have both become the scapegoats for their ills; it happens in families where there is a lot of dysfucntion.

Would agree - don't let toxic MIL and her family members have any control or power over your lives (her husband is a bystander like many such men are in these situations). These people as well will not change because they do not accept any responsibility.

My MIL does it in a far more sad way, never nasty to me in an obvious way. We rarely see them.
I think you are doing the right thing.

I'd recommend reading Toxic Inlaws too. I read it and although it isn't like a "magic wand" and making everything better, it does make you realise that you aren't the problem and that these people won't change.

To add to Attila's post, for your own family issues see The Stately Homes thread. May also help with dh's issues too.

Your not alone in all this, you are NOT being unreasonable, it is sad it has come to this, however your mil and dh's cousins behaviour are their responsibility. Would suggest you compare the things you have said here to what your dh's cousin said...I know who I would rather be mates with!

Perhaps consider changing your phone number and not giving it to your dh's family...they will most likely use it to harrass you while they have it. You don't deserve that.

And btw, I doubt anyone would have been good enough for her son...even a carbon copy of herself!! I hope I don't sound really patronising but having had experience of all this family harrassment, I think you have both dealt with it in a really adult fashion and in the right way. Unfortunately that will always get a bad reaction from people who have never really grown up because they are not used to the boundries you have both set down.

Keep up the good work and hope you both start to move on from this soon...but you may need to do some work to make this happen ie therapy/self help books/support on mn...

DH sounds like a star. I'm sure that this is not the first time in his life he's had to cope with something like this from his family. They sound eerily like my own family, to be honest - emotional blackmail, namecalling, and all. I'm so happy for both you and DH that you have each other's support!

I don't think they honestly hate you - not that you should really be too bothered if they actually do or don't. They sound very controlling. Even the cousin sounds controlling. Sometimes, when a family has a member that's outrageous, the more they realise the family member is being outed as outrageous, the louder they shout at the person doing the outing. Particularly if they're so focused on their reputations. Don't take the attacks personally. They have to try and tear you down if their impulse is to be controlling with you. Don't put up with their crap.

Speaking from hard experience here - talk to DH now about how he wants to play things like birthdays and Christmas. These are times with high emotional content and it's easy for someone into emotional blackmail to tap into guilt & obligation to try and get their way. If you have talked honestly about it, and have agreed a plan before the season strikes, it will help both of you navigate it without much stress.

Christ I hope I don't turn out like that...

But seriously I really feel for you, leave her to fester for a while. It is very hard to turn someone around who has already got it in for you. As long as your OH sticks with you and you both display a strong partnership towards the outlaw, she will hopefully come to realise that her precious son is no longer in her dictatorship.

They all sound mad as a box of frogs, seriously. Why would you be suicidal because your daughter in law who you don't like much anyway isn't talking to you? Why is a cousin getting involved? Sounds a seriously overenmeshed family with everyone interfering in everyone's business.
The cousin just sounds stupid. Even if I disliked my cousins' husbands or wives I would never tell them, that just ensures your husband will not speak to that cousin again as I can't imagine speaking to my cousins again if they insulted my husband like that. Sounds like they all open their mouths before engaging their brains, mind you we didn't hear what you said to the cousin. Time to ignore them all for a while and find some friends who you can have a mutually supportive realtionship with rather than this weird family stuff.
The MIL's melodrama is all about her anyway, I don't think you can "cause" someone to feel suicidal and overreact to something so trivial. She has chosen to go down the "poor me" route. Poor husband.

I turned a corner when it was pointed out to me that 'trying to make it work' with MIL was what I was doing wrong. I needed to accept that it would never work.

She did not want it to work. She only wanted to win. She preferred conflict to peace because she got more attention.

Your job is not to make it work but to protect your marriage and your family from her destructiveness.

Good that your dh is standing up to her. He needs to set firm limits.

Don't make the mistake of believing FIL is benign and she is malignant. He is letting her use him to transmit malignancy. Keep him at a distance too.

Sorry, I sound brutal but I wish I'd tried less to get on with MIL and put more energy into keeping her away from us .

Gosh this sounds exactly like my MIL! My MIL is holding DH hand for dear life on my wedding pics and she never wanted a wedding pic, just took her own camera and snaps, you guessed it... with just her, DH and her family on!! She was devastated when she found out we were having DD1 and offered to pay halves for an abortion! When DD arrived, she was all over here while treating me like crap. She wanted to come round daily and ignore me and snatch the baby. Her suggestions were that she see DH and DD without me ARGHHHHHHH.

I could go on but won't, just wanted to say it is great your DP stands up for you, mine didn't for a very long time. IMO it doesn't get better, sorry. We 'get on' now but only as we don't see each other much. It is civil but it will always be abit awkward.

I swear I never said anything untoward to the cousin. Two reasons: 1, I wouldn't give her anything to say about me (esp to hubby, he can hardly defend me if I am being a cheeky cow) and 2, I'm confrontational but I'm not into personally insulting people, even if they push me to the limit.

I said one cheeky thing in response to her telling me my family are scum, I said "Oh, I'm glad your MIL is so perfect" and she proceeded to give me a screaming banshee impression down the phone. I only said that because I know her hubby has an ex wife and 2 kid that HE is not allowed to see because cousin hates children and resents them. Also, his MIL does not like cousin (because she doesn't allow him to see his kids) and cousins hubby is not allowed to see his mother either. That was a sore point for her. I could have been cheekier and mentioned that she has been cheating on her poor hubby for a number of years and everyone in the "small, close" family knows it except him and even make jokes about it but I'm not that low and I don't think it's funny that she cheats on him. It's a disgrace. But believe me, I was sorely tempted to give it to her!

Each time she insulted me, I just repeated "you are entitled to your opinion and that's fine, all I am doing is asking you to please in future mind your own business and don't get involved in our marriage because we don't get involved in yours". I said to her "I can't understand why you find it necessary to be so offensive and sarcastic to me because I have done nothing to you except make it known that I don't appreciate your involvement in things that are not your concern".

Her wedding gifts to us are currently in the post back to her as of this morning and she can say what she likes about it. Yes, its bitchy/childish but I am removing any single thing that she can throw in my face as she was keen to remind me on the phone of how much she has apparently done for us (ie, that she spent so much effort pretending to like me at the wedding only for my hubbys sake). Cow!!!

I'm EXTRA mad with her but she means nothing to me and I won't lower myself to her level by getting involved in tittle tattle and personal insults. She can have her pressies back and stay the f*ck out of our lives.

Sorry, rant, rant, rant!!!! Sorry, sorry, sorry Thank goodness for this forum, it is keeping me sane at the moment!!!

Hi,

I am also have great problems with MIL. She has been unpleasant to me since she has met me. I have always kept patient with her, but she has often had a 'tantrum' and screamed and shouted at me because she cant get her own way. She told me two days before my wedding that she was not excited and that her son would be a million miles away from her, we only live 15 minutes away and she sees him twice a week. She blames me if he puts on weight or if his hair isn't brushed.It has caused lots of arguments between DH and me as he has grown up with this and sees it as normal, whereas I have a loving family and this behaviour is odd. I have tried going round for tea as she has asked and taken her and FIL (whosits on the fence) out for the day but she always makes unnecessary comments. She tells DH that I am too sensitive. During one of her tantrums she said that that I was brought up badly and what was my mother thinking when she raised me, which I will never forget. Everyone commented on the wedding day that she looked thoroughly miserable (4 months ago). After being shouted at once again nearly three months ago I am no longer talking to her and she keeps telling DH she doesn't know why. She said if I have a problem I should talk to her about it.....tried that on many occasions. To complicate matters she wants to give us a house (her deceased mothers) which she is extremely attached to which is down the road from her. Its my husbands dream to live in it. I am really scared if I live there she will always manipulate and control us even though DH says not. We would be mortgage free and I could give up work to look at kids (currently having fertility treatment) which I have always wanted to do.....what shall I do.....help, any advice????!!!!!!

Oh my god I could be writing this myself!! In our wedding photo's any with me and hubby in, Inlaws look as miserable as sin and FIL wouldn't stand near me even when asked by photographer, and any photo's of them and just hubby in they have beaming smiles on their faces!!

I have had all the snide remarks when no-one else is around to hear them from MIL. Her telling me that hubby and she will always be close and no-one (me) will ever come between them. When hubby wasn't paying her enough attention she would always get in a strop and he would end up going around to their house for hours to try and sort it out thus giving her all the attention she wanted. When asked why she had a problem with me she would always make out to DH that I had misread the situation or mistook what she really meant and she was so sorry if she'd upset me (yeah right).

We looked after their cat once whilst they were away and MIL phoned DH to make sure that cat was being looked after as it was all she had left! (WTF?)

Anyway DH has nothing to do with them now because FIL came onto our house shouting abuse at me and refused to apologise for his behaviour.

Stick to your guns newlywed, stand up to this woman because if you don't you'll have to put up with this behaviour for the rest of her life.

Hi there

This is awful for you and I really feel sorry for you.

Most important point

1. It?s not your fault
2. It?s not your fault
3. It?s not your fault

Stop miserably thinking about it, going over things, denying you?ve provoked her, etc. Analysing yourself and what you did won?t help, simply because the issue is not about your behaviour ? never could be. It?s about your mother in law. Admitting her main feelings towards her son are separation anxiety and, I?m afraid, almost certainly some sort of sexual desire, is not, I?m afraid, something many people do. Reasonably enough ? frustrated incest, in whatever degree or form, ain?t pretty. Good news:

1. Other people really can tell what?s going on. MIL may/almost certainly will try and ruin your reputation within the family but you can safely ignore that
2. The worse she behaves, the better you look ? if you stay dignified. Don?t judge her to others ? if someone asks, just explain how shocked and hurt you are.
3. Your MIL may get over her hostility if you have children, because she can transfer her frustrated lerve to her grandchildren. But if she doesn?t - warning, many people don?t ? you?re not missing much. And neither will they be.
4. Keep a good relationship with yr FIL. MIL will probably (certainly) try and turn him against you as her anger and frustration mount when she realises her son will never be truly hers ? and she may bully and frighten yr FIL - but stay in touch and contact him often. Ask him out at short notice, use his mobile if you can?t face ringing the house, etc.
5. Try and build on good relationships with any of yr DH?s brothers, sisters, cousins etc ? lots of nice Sunday lunches, etc if poss ? so you both enjoy the family and the importance of the MIL problem is reduced.

And finally.... your poor DH! he must be feeling bewildered and battered too. Much love and luck to you both