Tips for grey rocking MIL

[Lovemelovemycats]

My eldest DD (teen) and I are effectively NC with my ILs apart from one annual family celebration which is rapidly approaching. DD1 is the IL's family scapegoat but DD2 is the golden girl. MIL is polite on the surface but actually hates me and in the past has tried to turn DH against me. My plan is to grey rock MIL as much as I can.

MIL has (IMO) traits of covert narcissism. She has a saviour complex and spends a lot of time interacting with a "poor you!" attitude. She will be polite, but intrusive and nosy. I'm not receptive to being patronised in that way.

Since we last saw them, my mum, who I was very close to, has died. My dad's not been on the scene for years now, so this was a big deal in my life.

MIL is likely to ask lots of questions about my mum, me and the funeral etc. She is known for giving people the third degree about anything she wants to talk about. This will be dressed up as fake concern for my welfare.

Can anyone help me come up with some phrases to give as polite answers but that firmly shut down any drama or her getting into "oh you poor thing, that must have been so difficult for you"?

(I don't want to involve DH. He's a bit of a wet wipe and is very close to MIL. If there's an argument he will try to mediate between us, but he will mostly let me get on with her - or not - to the extent that I want.)

Could you not just say 'thank you for being so kind, but do you mind if we dont talk about it as im finding it really upsetting - I knew you'd understand. Anyway, how's your garden?'
Further mentions
'As I said, id rather not talk about it, lets talk about something else - hows the dog?'

Would that work?

I like that!

I totally agree with this. You think this is a game you can win.

It isn’t a game, and no, you can’t win.

I boomerang questions with a certain family member who takes a bit of delight in anything going wrong for anyone. They would say how are the funeral arrangements going, my reply is well you know it is very hard but how is Vera and her leg? Any better? So a non-committal short answer followed by a question. Have loads ready to go so you are prepared to ask lots of questions and follow up questions.

I agree that you should limit contact and be very careful with your DD2 potentially revelling in the golden spotlight. My own toxic grandmother would single out one child to be considered the golden child and the rest of us were made to feel like shit, all said with faux surprise if called out by my Mother. I wish we had not seen her, it is very damaging.

For your Dh, have you looked into things like out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) for seeing or staying in contact with his Mother? It can be eye opening for them. I have a relative whose Mother is a narcissist, took them a long time to see it with some gentle coaxing because the whole family plays their part in supporting it.

Yes, I do worry about the effect on my daughters' relationships with each other.

DH used to see the issues with MIL for himself and had strong boundaries, but has recently got sucked back in. He thinks that a closer relationship with her (IMO being controlled by her again) is one of the best things that's happened to him lately. He is not receptive to reducing contact or to DD2 seeing them less - unless DD2 initiates it, which she won't as things currently stand. I've even considered splitting up over this issue but DH would immediately move into his PILs' house and DD2 would end up seeing them a lot more, so that would be worse all round.

i simply wouldn’t allow myself to be used thay way. fake concern from someone unpleasant is well, unpleasant and coercive. it is more than enough for her that you will make small talk. she’s happy that it makes everything look normal. and if you don’t respond with the fake civility she knows you feel compelled to give to keep the peace? well you’re the problem because she’s so SO very normal in every way so you must be crazy or something, she’s just worried about you.

every time she tries to make chit chat (every time she performs how normal she is) pretend you have just got a text message. say ‘sorry have to answer this’ without even looking at her and walk away. do it every single time.

It’s been less than a year since your Mum died. You are still grieving and far too tender to mix with them.
Give yourself a break. There is nothing good in there for you especially at this time in your life. I am sorry about your mum

Every time she asks you intrusive questions gaze off into the distance and murmur, ..... oh yes, absolutely.... Or .... Have you been watching traitors, .... or ...., have you tried the cheesecake? It's delicious.....

Hopefully she'll mark you down as someone to avoid.

It all sounds very intense and full of therapy-speak interspersed with AI excerpts. Nothing you’ve said details what your MIL has actually done, it’s all very non specific. Of course I’d expect my MIL to talk to me about events in my life, it’s called taking an interest. You say she’s been horrible about DD1 behind her back so DD1 wants nothing to do with her. How does DD1 know about these things? Who’s told her? And of course DH will talk to his DM, perhaps ask her advice on things - that’s absolutely normal behaviour.
You clearly don’t like her - and that’s ok, no one has to like their in-laws. Perhaps she doesn’t like you either? If you’ve not seen her for a year why are you so worried? Just go to the ‘event’, be polite, go home. Job done!

Do you think that a MIL asking her DIL about the death of the DILs mum is intrusive? I’d find it pretty weird if she didnt ask her!

if feeling cheeky

‘Oh it was a beautiful funeral, just perfect thanks. Now have you thought about how you’d like your funeral?

What has she said behind DDs back and how did you both find out. This is the weird part

I had a narcissistic grandmother who pretty much hated me on account of my being female and taking after my mother who stole her precious only son away from her. Foul woman used to tell any stranger who would listen that one of my brothers was her (current) favourite child.

The trick with grey-rocking narcissists is to be as boring as possible around them. This may be difficult if they choose that day to insult your outfit, your hair, etc. If she asks about the funeral give as few details as possible as boringly as possible. Remember you're not a person to a narcissist, you're a source of narcissistic supply. Don't give her any supply and she'll go look for it elsewhere. So say things like "Thank you for concern I'm fine", "The service went as planned" and then just repeat them on a loop with as little emotion as you can muster.

I'm talking general intrusive questions, I didn't specify. But thanks for your input.

MinL is like that. Very nosy, wants to pity people.

Must admit, I tend to lie or say very little. So I'd probably say 'it was a very short funeral and I can't really remember it'.
If she then starts with questioning this ..'oh yes that was what mum wanted'

Or can you speak v quietly to gaslight her into thinking she's deaf...

I'm not saying what MIL did to DD1 as it's very outing. There have been multiple incidents though. One was things said in DD1's presence, others were told to DD by other people MIL had spoken to, some were the practical consequences of things MIL had done which affected DD1.

Asking your mother for advice is fine. What's not okay is listening to her while she offers you financial incentives to do the opposite of a parenting / marriage decision you and your wife have made together because she thinks that she should be able to decide what happens to your children / marriage - and that your wife shouldn't get to be involved in those decisions about her own marriage & own children. It's just bizarre.

@MyRubyPandathat's a helpful reminder about being as boring as possible.

@Lovemelovemycats definitely go boring as @MyRubyPanda says, I use it with my abusive narc ex and it keeps the power where it belongs, with you.

So minimal detail, non-committal responses and no information provided: How was the funeral "oh, you know...", "mmm...yes" and so on. Lots of nodding and appearing to be engaging whilst actually doing nothing of the sort. Interspersed with the re-direction tactics suggested by others "anyway how are you?" as these people love to talk about themselves so will be distracted.

Best of luck with it love, I hate having to do any of it but it works well when it's the only option.