Feel very lonely and as if I have seen the last of dh's love

[arabella2]

Hi
We have two children - one who is 3 years and 2 months (ds) and one who is 10 months (dd) old. We have always had a very up and down relationship but recently I feel as if there are a lot more downs and I am finding it hard to bear. We had an argument this weekend about dh buying a booster seat for ds without consulting me and as usual after such outbursts (I think I did overreact though I also think I was legitimately annoyed) we sulked at each other all day yesterday and today. Dh goes away to work 3 days a week and will leave tomorrow early.

I usually put dd to sleep (she breastfeeds to sleep) and dh usually puts ds to sleep by lying (sp?) next to him, though I come and join them if ds has not fallen asleep yet, or sometimes I will do ds all by myself if dd is already asleep when we go up or if dd is particularly lively and staying downstairs with dh because ds is more tired (don't blame you if you haven't followed any of that). Anyway, what I was trying to say is that dh and I rarely share a bed because I end up sleeping with dd who wakes up a lot in the night, and he will sometimes sleep in his room or a lot with ds. Before dd was born I used to spend half the night with dh in his bed and the other half with ds after he woke up (he used to wake up once every night and call). I feel resentful that dh does not make any time for us together or very little, but I suppose what I am really more resentful of is how little he loves and cares for me compared to the kids. I know, because I am a parent as well, how different the love you have for your kids is, but I feel completely shut out of dh's feelings. He is constantly telling them how wonderful and beautiful they are (which I am glad that he does don't get me wrong), and if we are talking to each other (ie. not sulking), constantly telling me. I agree, they are lovely children, I just feel jealous that he never says anything of the sort to me. He is very touchy feely with them but not to me. I don't know what I have to do to "earn" his love. Be more attractive (get rid of my grey patch and tone up), laugh a lot more, what??? I just feel dreadfully lonely at times like these because aside from my neighbour across the street, there is nobody I can really talk to about these things and even to her I don't want to say too much because in the end I think she will start to feel she is my shoulder to cry on and will lose feelings of equality and friendship to me and start to feel superior. It's totally ridiculous to feel as if both your children have in a way "stolen" your partner's affection isn't it??? This is compounded by little comments dh will make. Eg. once when we were out walking I asked him what hairstyle he thought would suit me - he said I looked neat with my hair pulled back off my face. I said I didn't want to look neat I wanted to look stunning - he replied that I wasn't dd. Another time more recently people were joking around about us having a third child (don't think so somehow!!!) and dh being back at "work". He must have got embarrassed because he said that anyway he shared a bed with ds who was (and I quote) much cuddlier. I feel terribly hurt by these things. I really need love and support, especially now when the job of looking after two little ones is so hard. Ds does not want to go to nursery at the moment, dd wakes up at night, I have very little time to myself and should really be in bed now... My parents come and stay in their flat nearby about every 6 weeks (they live abroad) and we do also see MIL but she is away at the moment. I think I have done my fair share of things to damage my relationship with dh but even when we are getting on well, I still feel terribly cut off from him. This business of him sleeping with ds and not making any time for me (only very occasionally if I stay up very late and ds happens to be in his own bed or something like that then we will lie together for a bit) has been very hard for me. Also because I miss ds as well whom I was very close to (and still am but it's different, dh does loads more for him that he used to) before the birth of dd. Once he was talking to ds and referred to where they sleep as "their" bed. I suppose you could argue that dh feels that I share dd's bed but that is not how I view it. I lie next to her because she still drinks milk at night. Not that I would never do it if this weren't the case but I would be much more inclined to share a bed with dh and let the kids come to our bed if they wanted to (obviously dd is too small). Initially I moved out of dh's bed with ds when he was tiny because dh snored but this has now snowballed to a point where I feel very little is left of my relationship with dh. He says the nicest nicest things to the kids and very little to me. I know kids need a lot of boosting (and I am nice to them too ) but surely partners in couples do as well?? A long time ago dh told me that I had had my "turn" (ie. duing the honeymoon period of our relationship).

I also feel that dh is very competitive of me. If I am having a cuddle with ds especially he is always kind of butting in saying he wants to cuddle him as well. It's too much.

I really have to change my ideas and ways of thinking but I am totally stuck in a rut. Trapped by this so called attachment parenting which means I can never go out in the evening because dd feeds in the night...

We have never really told each other we love each other but we both often tell the kids (well especially ds who understands) that we love them. What is wrong with us?

We get on much better when there are other people around, but the thing of it is, I get the feeling that even if we were getting on better all the time, it's as if dh is only biding time with me and the person he really admires, respects and loves is ds. I can never be (and I say this in all seriousness as I too think ds is lovely, very kind and sweet and also beautiful) as perfect as ds.

I have been buying loads of things from the TV shopping channel to cheer myself up but this is not what is going to make me happy, I would rather see my way through a depression than carry on doing stupid things like that which cheer you up for about 2.2 seconds.

Please help me see that there can be a new way of being and thinking which will help restore and also improve my relationship with dh.

[arabella2]

I do try to pay him compliments sometimes but I suppose that his nose is out of joint as well - he is always complaining that I don't make him tea unasked. Cups of tea are the be all and end all for him.
I do rely on him for too much - almost everything which is why I think we get on better when other people are around as the atmosphere is significantly lightened.
I hope he could write the same post as me (if he weren't a man as you say!)... I just get hurt when he walks past me to greet ds effusively or when he kisses ds so affectionately and not me blah blah...
Anyway, thanks for the advice aloha... I am going to pull myself together and become all that I can be as it were (forgive the self-help speak)...
Ds does have his own bed and bedroom (somebody asked)... He went through a period of sleeping in dh's room while his lamp wasn't working but is now back in his own. Sometimes dh sleeps with him or sometimes if he wakes up in the night and finds himself on his own, he comes to where dd and I are sleeping. I am all for co-sleeping but I think more from the point of view of the children coming to the joint parents' bed (even though it is me who started the whole separation thing as it were)... We could all sleep in the same room but dd is a light sleeper for the moment and dh snores sometimes which drives me up the wall when I have to wake up for dd anyway...
Anyway, enough of all this...

[arabella2]

And I think you're right about the safe thing aloha, dh once said how "safe" things feel with ds... Don't know what would make things safe between dh and I.