Trying to rebuild after his affair, but still feeling guarded

[DeepSea1990]

Hi all

Betrayal trauma / reconciliation

My husband had a year long affair a round two years ago now, I uncovered the truth multiple times and he kept saying he’d stopped but never did - we split after a year because I felt like I was going crazy, but we have two young children together. He persistently said he wanted me, didn’t want her etc.. she was half his age, impulsivity, infatuation etc..

Anyway fast forward and he stayed seeing her and lying for 6 months through separation but I desperately wanted my family back. I never begged, but his constant contradiction always made me feel like I could have it all back.. I hate being away from our boys who were 7 and 10 at the time, and very confused… it was absolutely awful. I genuinely shield my kids from this, he is at work the majority of the time so i am always happy and act normally around them.

The thing is he moved back in a few months ago, is saying he is trying with me but my guard is so high up, I can’t let it down, he’s in a separate bedroom to me and there is no relationship between us at all.. I can still get upset sometimes - he is reasonable about it but says it’s in the past and he’d like to forget about it. I feel like he has no understanding of how much damage he did to me…

Also he works and earns more than double my wage, we work together at his company and have done since it opened (she was an employee), so I would need to ship the kids to a new house, a lower lifestyle, I’d need a new job which would likely be less flexible, and I don’t want to not be part of their lives for part of the week. Being without them through separation was like losing a limb, I know this is normal but it’s so unfair… It felt like a constant punch in the gut.

Does anyone have any advice? We tried marriage counselling during his affair but he didn’t stop, he’s reluctant to go again which I suggested as we’re not moving anywhere, I went to therapy and found it really useful but have stopped now, he also went to individual therapy for a few months and said he’s learnt about himself, and has stopped the affair. He also said he can't try anything with me or to get closer to me as i am so guarded, he is 'waiting' for me to move past this, and he wants to forget it all as a big mistake.

How do people come back from this… Or how do you move forward… the fear of being alone and it being ultimately my decision to break my family up feels huge 😣. The separation was awful, he was trying to get 50/50 contact even though our roles were never this way, and i feel like he will take everything away from me if i try to leave again.

I am 35 btw.. and genuinely thought my life was pretty great up until this happened.

Thanks for reading

He doesn't sound like he is interested at all in doing the work to make you feel secure. the onus is on HIM not you to help you feel safe and secure. He just wants it left in the past and never mentioned.

I think you know this though.

Personally there is no way I would stay working with or for him in any way - that would be the first step away from this.

If he isn’t showing you that he is willing to change then you shouldn’t kill yourself trying to make it work…your children will be better off with two happy parents who are separate than two unhappy ones in the same home.

It will be very difficult, but you need to decide whether you are willing to wait for this to happen again, or for him to work out that you are the one for him. But please, if he isn’t doing the right things (doing, not just saying) then choose yourself and your children over the scraps he is giving you.

For it to work he has to show you it was a mistake, I don’t think that’s what this was, I think it was a new relationship that didn’t work out so he is going back to you, and you don’t deserve that

I don’t think there is any getting over this. He want to forget it but isn’t prepared to put any effort into that ie therapy. You can’t get over or forget this.

I understand you don’t want your children part time but do you really want this “marriage”. Whether or not he returns to this AP you can never trust him again and staying in the marriage will destroy you and your peace of mind.

Accept a lower standard of living as you will never find peace with this asswipe. He is only sorry because he was caught, he want you to get over something that is unforgivable and just accept he wanted to shag someone else. Do not lower yourself. If he was on his hands and knees begging for forgiveness and was doing everything in his power to show pure remorse it might have a chance but as this is not the case get rid of him now and save yourself years and years of heart ache. What example do you want to show your children would you expect your son/daughter to do what your doing and live a miserable life. He will do it again because his actions are not true remorse. Please read “not just friends” give him a copy if you are able to bring it up and he does not try and “shut you up”. Also have a look at website “chump lady” and “surviving infidelity ”. Also get an STI. Mostly leave this looser 35 is nothing don’t waste another day on him you & your children will thrive & survive without him.

You are not breaking up the family. He has already broke it. This is so sad. There's no way of raise my kids in this

Please see a solicitor... discreetly and get some advice.

Does his affair partner still work at your company?

Your responses are quite telling and it’s almost like this is a business arrangement instead of love and marriage.

I guess it could have been recoverable had he actually put the work in. I truly believe you can overcome infidelity but only if the person puts the work in, he continued to lie to you saying it was over (he knew at that point what he stood to loose and carried on), won’t engage with counselling meaningfully and there’s nothing proactive I can see that he’s done to reassure you?

I’m not surprised your guard is up if I’m honest.

Take a breath and actually think about what you want out of this - do you want to reconcile or are you afraid of having 50% less time with the kids and less money?

I’m afraid of having less time with my children. I’m also resentful that I would have to lower my lifestyle and stand alone, he’s all I’ve known as an adult..

and yes it now feels like a business arrangement but it didn’t before.. the employee left the company quickly but he still pursued her. She was half his age also, ten years younger than me and 20 years younger than him.

he is very submissive now, not that I want him to be.. but zero affection… maybe because I’m guarded - he says I’m cold. Whereas I was always the more affectionate of the two of us, and now I absolutely want nothing but to be with my children.

@DeepSea1990 "he is 'waiting' for me to move past this, and he wants to forget it all as a big mistake."

Oh yeah, I bet he does. That's all part of "the script". Don't be naive OP. You won't ever move past this, trust me I've been there. And although you think you're putting the kids first, you actually aren't because your (totally justified) unhappiness will deeply affect them. One day, maybe five years down the line, you'll realise you've been trying to flog a dead horse (and a selfish lousy bastard of a husband) and you'll be so sorry you wasted all that precious time in some sort of half existence.

So I think you can recognise that he’s absolutely fucking horrible. What a thoroughly nasty man who has sounded worse with each of your posts. How dare he call you cold? I would be cold towards someone who treated me like shit too.

so the reason you’re staying is to get more time with your dc. I can understand that.

but you should bear in mind that it’s not actually in your boys interest to stay in this miserable marriage. The vibe in your house won’t be a happy one, and they will know that however you try to hide it. They would have a happier childhood if their parents were single, albeit separated, in smaller houses.

so, harsh as it is for you to accept, you are staying so that you get more time with them, not for their happiness.

it’s a difficult situation you’re in op, and I feel for you. At 50, I am the ‘lucky’ one in my friendship group as I was privileged enough to be able to get divorced without impacting my children and i actually enjoy my time they’re with their dad - many of my female friends are in your position, they cannot stand their husbands but for umpteen different reasons cannot divorce.