How would you handle a partner repeatedly forgetting important safety basics?

[Scouser44]

Need advice as I’m ready to pull my hair out. I have 2 young toddlers aged 1 and 2. I am not long back to work full time, husband also works full time.

i am so stressed because my husband is so, I don’t want to say useless but that’s how I see it sometimes. He never seems to think about how to do things right or safely. A few recent examples- he doesn’t close the stair gate, ever, always ‘forgets’ so I’m constantly checking its closed or catching our children half way up unsupervised. He forgets to lock the front door so when i come home from work I realise the house has been opened all day. He doesn’t lock the door when he is in and the kids have tried to (and on one occasion got out) which leads straight onto the road. When these things happen he just says sorry and he will remember again but then never does.

how would you genuinely deal with this if this was your husband or partner?

We lived in a no through road (about 14 homes) and all the main earners worked at the same place and we all knew each other as they were tied houses!

You will see this sometimes in the countryside, but this is by no means the norm! Most people in urban areas lock their door, and even people here in my rural community lock their front doors.

I'm forgetful, but I've never been like this. If I can remember to lock the front door, so can he, so either he has stupid ideas about safety and he's pretending to forget, or he has ADHD.

I’m you in 12 years. My children are similarly spaced. This doesn’t get better. Mine is fundamentally a good man but struggles with the basic things- closing all doors properly (front door, cupboard doors, all of them) and locking anything reliably. I’ve tried everything- understanding, facilitating, encouraging, going fucking ballistic, all of it, nothing works for any length of time. I am careworn and anxious. Don’t be me.

The one I'll never forget is the post by the mother married to a fucking idiot who thought safety was for losers and put lighter fluid (FFS!) on a bonfire much too close to their 4yo, who was sitting in a buggy nearby and got severely burned. The child lived, but it was just the most awful ordeal. She never forgave him, I don't think I could. I always think of them whenever anyone posts about their idiot "What's the big deal?? You worry too much!" DH.

I have ADHD, undiagnosed when my eldest was little, I can be forgetful and I have done daft things including those which could have (but did not) injure DC and one time I did accidentally injure DC (left a fragile glass in reach of toddler who cut his face on it). The last one was terrible and I can't excuse it, it should not have happened at all, although he is an adult and has forgiven me. We were lucky it wasn't a worse injury. But anyway the point is every time there was something which either did or could have caused an accident, I felt terrible about it and would either resolve to try harder, or (once I realised that didn't work) put something into place to prevent it from happening again. Which is what any responsible parent would do.

It's the attitude/response which is the worrying thing - why is he fine just letting you sort it out for him? Does he not think these safety measures are important? Does he not feel terrible when he realises DC have gone up the stairs alone etc?

As others have said, if he has genuine issues with forgetfulness and distraction, he'd forget things important to him - like locking his car, losing his wallet, or things that would make him look stupid at work.
If that isn't happening, then it's a choice he's making. I'd be pointing that out to him and asking what he's going to do about it, because if it doesn't change, I'd be choosing my children's safety over him.

I had one of those. One memory is of going on holiday as a family. He packed for himself and I packed for me and the toddler. Early flight so I got the toddler up, dressed and fed, made sure all child entertainment, snacks, boarding passes and passports in my hand luggage, dishes washed, milk poured down the sink and bin out so we wouldn't come back to a smell. Got all our luggage, the buggy and the child in the taxi and we waited with the meter running as he was rushing around. A few days after we arrived our cleaning lady at home texted to ask if we meant to leave our house unlocked. He had ONE job and he didn't manage it. It was exhausting and I'm so glad I left. He functions ok now. Like yours, he had held down a successful career, so he was always capable enough.

He needs to come up with gadgets or a plan to help him remember, so an alarm that sounds when the baby gate is left open- a front door that automatically locks etc