Ok - honestly, should I go???

[essbee]

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send flowers from the kids instead

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he sounds like he is mad with grief atm

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that is understandable

Oh essbee

Perhaps you could think of something for you and the kids to do on the same day as a mark of respect? Some small ceremony that helps ds and dd to say goodbye? I'm sure the collective imagination of mumsnetters could come up with something appropriate.

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Esbee, I'm sorry you are going through this, but going back to the original question, I think I wouldn't go. As you say is his mother and if your presence upset him then it wouldn't be fair on him either. The children are very young for a funeral I supose, however, if you really want to pay your respects to this person, what about visiting the cemetery some time after the funeral?, you can take flowers with you, read her something she may have enjoyed or take your young children to say good bye?. Hope it helps...

how about going to church and asking the vicar to say something.have your own memorial service.it can be very small and the vicars are there to do these things.or priests or whatever you believe in

Hmm. What's he got to hide? Why shouldn't other people know why you can't come? If he's justified in banning you, he's justified in other people knowing about it.

His mother, his problem. If your elder child doesn't want to go, not a problem for you at all. He sounds ghastly Essbee, griefstricken or not.

I suspect that in ten years time or so, when feelings aren't so raw, he'll regret having banned you, and by extension, his mother's grandchildren, from her funeral. But that'll be his problem then as well, won't it?

Meanwhile, the idea of lighting a candle for her is a good one and maybe looking at photos of her and talking about her - having a "Grandma hour" (or 15 minutes - children's concentration span and all that) might help?

The man is an ar$e, pure and simple. Yes, he's upset - of course he is - but, let's face it, he was threatening before becoming "mad with grief".

Don't go to the funeral, make a donation to a cancer charity in lieu of flowers and send a card to your FIL (maybe from you and the children or just from the children).

I so wish he was out of your lives essbee, he is a total arse and worse that I won't type here. Ignore him, the best revenge is living well and all that. Easier said than done though, I know. And he CANNOT shut you up if anyone asks what happened or why you didn't go. Why should you be quiet when HE was the violent one? Hope you're OK.

essbee,he is an arse, but I don't think anything is going to make him less of an arse, especially at the moment, so you need to concentrate on what is best for you and the kids to do for yourselves without involving him, and take the moral high ground here. I think you should write a nice letter to your FIL, and have your "grandma 15 mins" - maybe plant a bush in the garden.

And later, when yoru FIL has got over the shcock of losing his wife, you should write him another letter, explaining exactly why you were not at his wifes funeral, and exactly why you left his son.

sorry exh is continuing to be such an ar$se. unfortunately his default response to stress appears to be to try and take it out on you in an unacceptably violent aggressive manner. i see no reason why you shouldn't say the simple truth - that you didn't go because that was his preference. i would mention to your solicitor next time you contact her that exh is continuing to be threatening.

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