Managing a libido mismatch in an otherwise happy long term relationship

[VioletSkins]

I’m struggling with a mismatch in sex drive between my partner and me, and I’m unsure what it means for our future. I love him and our relationship and I can’t imagine walking away over this, but I do worry about the long-term impact.

Outside of sex, our relationship is genuinely loving and healthy. We communicate well, are a great team, show each other lots of affection, and he consistently makes time for me, supports me and tries to meet my other needs. He’s a great dad too - they are not our shared children, they are from his previous relationship but I get on with them very well.

When we do have sex, it’s really good, intimate and fun.

The problem is that it’s very sporadic. I’ve noticed he’s much more likely to initiate after we’ve had a disagreement. I think he may use sex as part of repairing the emotional connection. When things are calm and settled (which is most of the time) sex seems much less important to him, whereas that’s exactly when I feel most relaxed and connected and want it. He’s always telling me he’s happy and relaxed around me so I know he’s not stressed. He also knows I like to have sex for emotional connection not just for pleasure reasons.

What makes this more complicated is that he’s told me his last relationship was mostly based on sex, stress and conflict and he wants to create a loving connection with me.

We’ve talked about it a lot, and he’s said he can feel pressure around sex, so I’ve tried hard not to create that. The difficulty is that I find him very attractive and his natural affection often increases my desire. He’ll frequently touch my thigh or bum, kiss me passionately, tell me I look good, or be physically affectionate, which is lovely but can also leave me feeling frustrated when it doesn’t lead anywhere. I like the connection the affection creates, but it can feel like I can’t seem to create the same feeling in him of desire even though I know he finds me attractive.

We’re currently on holiday, which has made the mismatch particularly noticeable. There are plenty of moments where we could potentially have time alone, but they don’t really happen, and by the evening we’ve usually had dinner, had a few drinks, eaten a lot, we’re both tired and the opportunity is gone. The kids also wake early, so mornings aren’t particularly practical either.

He doesn’t have any obvious physical difficulties with sex. I think we approach it very differently. He prefers things to be planned and being sober, not too full up, brushed teeth etc., and seems to prefer mornings/daytime.

I’m much more spontaneous and feel desire throughout the day. He just doesn’t seem to think much about creating opportunities for alone time and when I make suggestions he agrees, but then they don’t happen.

On holiday he does seem to drink a lot more than usual and we had a great fun evening, when we got back I wanted to go to bed, and he wanted to stay up so I went alone.

We have woken up today he’s very hungover as he stayed up drinking without me and I feel myself being irritated with him about it and I’m finding it hard to not show it.

He then also showed me he had text his ex photos of their kids (that I had taken!) while I was asleep, so my brain goes to other places with that, but there was nothing else untoward in the messages.

We can actually get childcare as we are away with other adults, and he’s suggested asking them a few times so we can go do something alone but it’s not actually happened.

He asked me this morning if I wanted to go on date night tonight, I said yes, but I don’t fancy drinking again, so then he said no point in going out and do it another night.

So if I want a date night alone with him, I will be drinking with him and there will be no sex. Then I said we could go out in the day for a few hours so walk about, and he said maybe. He’s hungover so not sure I can see this happening.

Now I’m in a situation where I feel like it’s unfair to be pissed off, no one owes another person sex, and I don’t want him to have sex when he doesn’t want to just for my sake and forcing his hand. I just feel disappointed and he gets really fed up when this happens. The last time we had sex was on Friday but after we had a disagreement the night before. As I’m irritated, I think this will mean he feels pressure to have sex with me to relieve the tension, rather than just a spontaneous opportunity and it’s just a vicious cycle we can’t seem to get out of sometimes.

I’m trying to work out how much this is something we can realistically compromise on, rather than expecting either of us to change who we are. Has anyone else managed a significant libido mismatch in an otherwise very happy relationship? How did you make it work long term?

I am going to take myself off today for a while to relax and get some space and be less available and around him. I’ve also been relieving myself which he doesn’t know about. I’ve brought a load of pretty dresses and underwear on holiday and sometimes feel like all this effort is a waste on him but perhaps I’m trying too hard and I should just be grateful I have a nice man who treats me well otherwise.

Yes! Honestly go enjoy yourself on holiday - go to yoga or whatever makes you happy! I know what you mean about creating opportunities, I used to do that with my current partner, it left me miserable and on the egg shells wondering all day if sex would happen. Once I stepped back, he initiated more and it’s been good since. But mainly because I do my own shit that makes me happy.

Your partner sounds like he was in an emotionally abusive relationship, I promise I’m not a therapist but he needs to get help . It’s not fair on you really to deal with the fall out of his past trauma. You sound lovely @VioletSkins and you deserve someone that makes you feel happy.

Thanks, yes he’s had therapy for this. And he also deserves to be happy so I often feel guilty for how I feel about this. He’s been so lovely all day, he always is lovely

He was very kissy and cuddly all day, and referred a few times to having sex later last night (and I said nothing much in response just smiled). Then I think he started prepping me for not being in the mood later because he started saying he’s got a stomach ache. He does that a lot. But he did initiate sex and it was great.

He did make a comment about me holding out/turning him down a few times to create a build up, I asked whether that’s what he wanted and he said ‘well that probably won’t happen because you love sex so much’. I’m going to choose not to read into that too much but when we get home become a bit busier with my own life, holiday environment is not real life

I can see how much you both seem to love each other but my god this is a huge amount of angst about sex for both of you and genuinely I couldn't cope with it. If my partner was so conflicted and confused and confusing about sex I would likely withdraw to protect myself and it would kill the relationship for me. I guess he has withdrawn to protect himself but it was from a previous partner and he's still playing out that damage with you. You say he had therapy - not enough I would say

I agree with @SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes . I think therapy needs to be an ongoing thing for your husband. I would not be able to cope with the push and pull in relationship. Even though you are sympathetic to him, he is hurting you whether he means to or not. It means you can’t fully enjoy the build up to sex. I do think he enjoys the chase. Keep yourself busy when you are home. You both seem to love each other so therapy is going to be your friend.

@SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes I totally agree and it is the love that’s gluing us together, it’s not from a place of need or desperation either, we are both relatively successful adults with our own incomes and independence. I genuinely wake up every single day happy in all other ways. This morning we woke up and had the loveliest hug and connection and we have exciting plans today, we always have so much fun and take care of each other in lovely little ways.

I suppose I am understanding as the longer we are together, the more I understand I think it’s trauma for him and not anything sinister about me. It just seems to trigger insecurities in me and that’s something I need to work on for myself regardless. When you meet in middle age it’s tough, we all have our baggage.

I have thought about walking away for my own sake but I don’t think I’m at that point because generally day to day it’s not causing resentment. I did actually ask him directly if he just saw me more as a best friend or convenient as a good partner, and he was quite adamant that wasn’t the case and he fancied me

I feel very sorry for him actually (and for you of course). He needs to get into therapy ASAP really because he has so much emotional weight around sex and it sounds like he was treated pretty abysmally by his ex.

As an aside, this thread is a useful example that sex can be complicated for men too, there are all kinds of past traumas, psychological issues and so on that can impact men's sex drives. It's good to remember this next time posters are calling various DHs gay or cheaters if they're not up for sex at the drop of a hat

@YRGAM this is a really nice post, I do agree and I think it’s something women often don’t consider. I myself am trying to change my mindset about this because I’ve always subconsciously assumed men just want sex all the time and if they don’t, they don’t fancy you.

My DP struggled with physical affection when I met him, I do think he associated kissing and hugging with an expectation it leads to sex rather than just a loving expression. so we have tried to take some of the weight off this too. I do get turned on when he does it sometimes, but I also need to lean into the fact it’s a loving act not always a sexual one and not just keep reinforcing that one thing must lead to another.

DP got a bit drunk last night (again 🙄) and it was a very happy drunk in fact I’ve never seen him quite this hyped before. I was sober.

We were alone later and he was rubbing me all up and down my bare legs, and hugging me and telling me this was the best holiday he’s ever had (it’s our first with his children) and he loves me so much and he’s so happy, I feel like part of his family and he notices all the little things I do to make him feel cared for (he also cares for me a lot and I notice and we always thank each other). He was trying to buy me a present all evening and I wouldn’t accept one 😂

But this morning we had a more strained interaction when we had been hugging, and he got an erection but asked me to get up to go put the towels on the loungers. I said I didn’t understand him sometimes, and I wasn’t sure if he was playing a game with me, he said he wasn’t and looked surprised but didn’t elaborate. We hugged again after but I asked him to stop as he was rubbing my legs. I assume it was because of the children being here and waking up soon, I do need to talk to him about how he communicates to me, all he needs to say is something like I’m in the mood but let’s not the kids will wake up soon rather than try to create distance in a different way.

With kindness @VioletSkins , did you really need the level of reassurance that he had to tell you that he couldn’t have sex this morning because the children were going to wake up soon? You have drawn that inference here yourself so why the constant need for reassurance?

You are on a family holiday not a couples holiday. The first few times I went away with my partner and his dc, we had sex only a few times while away a week until we got our confidence and also suitable rooms with a good distance and then it was every morning,. You have to manage your expectation a bit in this circumstance. Do you have your own children, just for my own understanding?

Also, men in general that want sex daily and pester their partners are the ones the objectify their partners and not appreciate everything else their partner is - they don’t appreciate her intelligence, beauty, acts of service. Your partner sounds like he appreciates you in many ways and you need to start appreciating yourself more as well! Sex is really important to me so I get where you are coming from but I feel you need to focus on yourself more. And also tell him to take the towels out himself next time :)

I’ve told him we need to have a conversation about the mixed messages he’s giving me as it’s causing so much confusion. I said it can feel like he pulls me towards him then pushes me away. He said he didn’t know he was doing this so I said yes just be mindful of how things can look to the other person, it can look like a game.

@AnonAnonmystery sorry for not being clear, it was actually the way he spoke to me I had an issue with, it was like he was verbally and physically shoving me off him. I was just lying with my head on his chest. He didn’t need to announce his erection and tell me to go out the towels out, it wasn’t urgent or relevant. And when I came back he started rubbing my bum and legs and put his hand down my shorts at the back. I think communication is what’s lacking here and he said he meant for me to go away as a flippant joke, to which I said yes but having told you repeatedly that I can interpret this differently, please don’t ’mess around’ with this topic it’s not funny and it makes me feel confused

It sounds like every time he attempts physical affection or intimacy you immediately think it should mean sex but you're worried its not going to turn into sex, so you've already assumed hes going to let you down in that way. He can sense you feel like this and experiences as pressure.

Tbh I'm not sure what the answer is. It sounds like you have an about average amount of actual sex, but huge issues and complications around the having or not having sex. It sounds bloody exhausting. For both of you.

If you have affection and it leaves you feeling aroused but you don't actually have sex, why is that a bad thing? Arousal itself isnt uncomfortable? Not having sex everytime youre aroused, especially if youre easily aroused, isn't actually a rejection?

@VioletSkins I am completely hearing you in this and this is what’s I’ve said earlier on, he gives you mixed messages, there is too much push and pull. He needs to stop before you completely withdraw. Sometimes we can all have mixed messages about sex but for you both it seems to be the norm. He sounds like he was very lovey dovey last night and this morning was quite a stark contrast.

Next time he gets an erection when you're hugging, seize the opportunity with both hands if you catch my drift. I don't think you need to talk about it first, that's not how things have ever been in my relationship... My hubby almost always gets morning wood if we wake up and have a cuddle before the baby wakes us up, he's more of a morning sex person than I am lately, but I can't just ignore it when its poking me in the belly. Even if I'm not in the mood I enjoy sending him to work with a smile on his face.

OP, I think you two simply have a libido mismatch. He sounds like he’s dressing it up as something else, perhaps because he feels he should be more up for it.

If that’s what it us, I’m afraid it’s unlikely to resolve, especially as the longer you’re together, the less you tend to have sex (typically). It’s very hard because none of you is wrong about what you or do not want.

Think of yourself in 5-years’ time. Do you see intimacy becoming more frequent? If not, then you need to decide if you can accept sex tapering off, or if you cannot.

I also think that his mixed messages are not malicious. He’s probably trying to get aroused, and then he realises he can’t be bothered to have sex, after all.

Peopke with low sex drive simply can’t see what impact this kind of thing has in a partner, or what the big deal is with sex. It’s like someone who’s not into sport cannot truly relate to the need for physical activity that others have, and the impact on their happiness if they can’t exercise regularly.

Also how long term is your relationship? His kids must be quite young if you are on holiday at the moment?

It does feel like he almost has a fear around sex. The way he's acting sounds quite similar to the way I was after DD was born.

As a bit of backstory. DP and I had been together 11 months when DD was born. We didn't know we were having her until DP went into labour. We weren't living together, we weren't planning on kids, we weren't even in a particularly serious relationship. We'd also been using two forms of contraception at the point she must have been conceived.

Once DP started wanting sex again. for about a year afterwards I developed a bit of a complex about it, and about the fact the situation around DDs birth could happen again. Every time we had sex, I'd lie awake that night panicking that I'd got DP pregnant again, and that we wouldn't know until months later.

For me it was specifically PIV that was the problem, rather than all sex like it is for your partner @VioletSkins , but aside from that the way I acted was quite similar.

Because the thing was, I really wanted sex with DP. And in the cold light of day I knew I was being ridiculous, and so I'd almost try and dare myself into having sex that evening. So I'd spend the day talking about it, and teasing DP, and getting her and me wound up, and then as bed time approached there was a decent chance I'd bottle it. You mentioned stomach aches OP. I got them, and I wasn't exactly faking them, I'd be so stressed about it I'd manage to give myself the shits. Or I was just "tired", or I'd have a few drinks and open another can just as I knew DP was about to say "Lets go to bed".

It took DP crying and shouting "Why won't you fuck me" before I admitted to her there was a problem. Luckily for me, she was great about it, and agreed that any sex had no expectation of PIV for the time being. That was pretty much all I needed. It was the fear of expectation of PIV that was making my bottle it. Once we got to bed and started doing stuff, the blood rushing away from my head generally made me forget my fear in the moment. It took a good few more months before the sleepless nights afterwards wore off though.

I don't really have any advice on how to fix this OP, because obviously the reasons why your husband may be scared will be different. But there's obviously something there that he needs to confront.

Yes basically this. Can’t put it better myself! It’s so half hearted sometimes I would rather he didn’t bother at all 😂

However as per usual after me saying it was confusing earlier, and saying it in a nice non confrontational way, he agreed he was being flippant about the sunbed thing but no ill intent, he followed me in the apartment when I went to the toilet whipped off his shorts and threw me on the bed and afterwards said ‘was that confusing for you?’ I had to laugh it off what else can I do.

His sense of humour is bloody weird it’s taking some getting used to.

We have been together nearly a year and the children are in primary school but taken out for our holiday as he wasn’t able to get time off work this summer

@JT1999 I didn’t notice it, I wasn’t touching him there. I was lying on his chest with my eyes closed. He basically said out of the blue ‘you had better go put the towels out I can’t go now I’ve got a massive hard on’ I replied ‘oh what do it now?’
He said yeah well I can’t go out there. I replied ‘what now really?’ And he said ‘yes quick better hurry up woman!’ I got up out of bed and said this is confusing, are you asking me to leave because you have a hard on why is this so urgent now? He said no and laughed. I went and did the towels and came back and he said ‘it’s gone now’ and slid his hand down the back of my shorts I said I don’t understand you sometimes.

Il be honest OP, it sounds a little selfish on your behalf to be constantly thinking of sex and when it can happen next. He’s a father, and his children will be at the forefront of his mind a lot, especially when they are on holiday with you. The last thing he’d want is to be caught in a situation he then has to explain. Being a parent he will also be mentally in other places at times, and not just soley focused on sex and when / where the next session or quickie will take place. He sounds like he’s attracted to you and loves and values your relationship. It feels your sole focus is now on sex…which will have an impact on him mentally too. Relax a little, enjoy the time you have! I’m a mother with 2 children same age, in a relationship which is just coming up to 2 years in - and yes we have sex, it’s great and would I sometimes like it more than him - yes! But we are both busy, and we both go through horny phases. We’d certainly struggle to have sex 4 times a week all the time!!

I really feel a year isn’t really long term yet and there is so much tension already when this should be the honey moon period .

I think you need to accept there are times in a relationship when sex will take a back seat…. I have been with my partner 7 years and in that time I’ve been hospitalised and operated on 3 times. We couldn’t have sex for intervals but other stuff got us through, he never once complained . There may be other stressors that may prevent the frequency of sex that you like. I do think that considering this is a family holiday that you are very preoccupied by sex. The dynamics of this relationship are really confusing and it doesn’t seem healthy for either of you.

It’s very clear though, your partner likes to be in control. He needs more therapy and quite bluntly needs to stop drinking excessively when his dc are in his care. They are his ultimate responsibility and I find this approach to parenting lax ( as well as taking them out of school). These things would bother me.

Yeah I totally get the children thing, the issue is alluding to sex but then withdrawing without communication. Not the not having sex. I’m really happy with a nice cuddle and just a loving connection. I can be turned on without being resentful about it as often it’s not intentional on his part. This morning it felt like he was sending me away from him. That was the main point.

You sound utterly obsessed over every single interaction with him. I’m exhausted just reading all this

Yes. I'm not sure any relationship is worth all this

Maybe he wants you to take the lead? Is "you had better go put the towels out I can’t go now I’ve got a massive hard on" just his way of telling you he's aroused but also giving you an out in case you didn't want some fun then and there? Maybe he wants you to say "the towels can wait, I'm not wasting this" and just going for it? I've always been comfortable taking the lead when it comes to sex, my husband is quite laid back about it, he's never pushy for sex and initiates things probably half the time or maybe a bit less than half, but I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I've initiated something and he has said he wasn't up for it, his back killing him or something. Cause we've got a 5 month old baby now its hit and miss whether she has her feed and goes to sleep or not and whether I feel like sex or not but if she sleeps and I'm in the mood I usually just go for a shower then drop the towel once I'm in the bedroom, he'll be reading or whatever but he can't resist a look, he smiles, I straddle his belly, start kissing him and its on.