He told her about me, but didn’t tell me about her

[MarilynMerlot]

I’ve been seeing a guy for a while, but it’s not exclusive. I find out through a message on his phone he has another woman he’s seeing, and has been for a while. He’s told her about me, but he didn’t tell me about her. I’m so gutted, he obviously felt he needed to be honest with her but not with me, like he was afraid to lose her but not me.

So basically your not exclusive and he’s not your boyfriend or partner so zero commitment

and you’re surprised with this?

raise your standards and don’t be anyone’s second option

It's not that you didn't deserve honesty. It's that he wasn't able to keep up the agreement that you had made between you. That's between him and his behaviour, not a reflection on you. This is not personal, you can attach any meaning to his shit behaviour that you want to. Don't make it a failing on your part!

Well, there’s your answer. You’re hoping your arrangement is going to become exclusive, and he’s probably picked up on that. She’s happy to keep seeing him whoever else he is dating. He wants to keep seeing multiple women, therefore he’s comfortable telling her and being evasive with you.

If he’d told you he was seeing her, how would you really have felt about that?

I laughed too, imagining them all piled up on a market stall with a BOGOF offer.

I don’t know but I could at least have had a conversation about it with my own agency, he knows the honesty thing is a dealbreaker as it is in a lot of open arrangements. He knows that hiding it is the thing that will break it off with me!

I laughed too, imaginary him all piled up on a market still with a BOGOF offer.

Respectfully, I think you are missing the point. The reason he hasn't told you doesn't matter. Trying to analyze his motive for not telling you isn't helpful and won't change anything.

If you have an agreement with someone and they break it, they suck. The end. This isn't someone you can trust.

And also...being non exclusive isn't what you really want, so toss this one back and find a man who wants to be with you exclusively.

OP, this is completely relevant information that you left out of the original post.

From your first post I thought you'd probably only been seeing each other for a few weeks, but six months?? Why would you tolerate a non-exclusive relationship after that long? He's taking the piss. He's dishonest too. Get him dumped and get that STD check booked asap.

“Respectfully, I think you are missing the point. The reason he hasn't told you doesn't matter. Trying to analyze his motive for not telling you isn't helpful and won't change anything.
If you have an agreement with someone and they break it, they suck. The end. This isn't someone you can trust.
And also...being non exclusive isn't what you really want, so toss this one back and find a man who wants to be with you exclusively.”

@Mom2K has nailed it. This with bells on. I suspect it’s because he thinks you don’t really want non-exclusivity and won’t accept this but ultimately why is irrelevant. It suggests that there are acceptable and unacceptable excuses for this whereas really it’s just wrong. You don’t really want non-exclusivity - you want him to pick you - and this man won’t give you what you want.

If I start to like someone to the point where I care about this stuff, I'd be asking him for exclusivity, or leaving before my feelings get more hurt.

Men just do whatever is easiest. It was easier not to tell you so he didn’t.

yeah, i suspect this tbh

I think if he's happy with a non-exclusive relationship with you, that means he's just not that into you. Bin him off and find someone better!

This. It’s not you it’s him. Bin him off.

Apologies for my terrible typos. 'I laughed too, imagining them all piled up on a market stall with a BOGOF offer.'

Sounds like he’s falling for you and told her that, she’s said nothing will change it’s ok because she’s desperately trying to keep him

You stated, that you weren't exclusive.
If this is the case, you have to let him go.
You were just talking....

Too complicated. Move on.
I’m 50+ and a bit grumpy, but honestly don’t waste time on his nonsense.

If you’re looking for something casual, it doesn’t matter. If you are looking for something more meaningful, just ask for exclusivity sooner/when you start to care. Dating with grey areas is fine for some people, but it’s not for me (or for you I think).

So, had a talk. He told her he's fallen in love with me, she says she's fine with this. I said I was not fine with not knowing he was dating someone else outside of the arrangement agreements (mostly safe sex related) and said I need space, also how can you have 'fallen in love' but not stopped seeing your other girlfriend? No one can make it make sense, not even me. I don't think open arrangements are going to work for me somehow, especially if someone can't stick to basic honesty for sexual health reasons.

Am I getting this right, you have a boyfriend but (by mutual agreement) are both free to also see other people (and presumably have sex with those people as well?).

Am I missing something? It doesn't sound like a great idea for trust, commitment and not getting an STD.

Fair enough if it's your sort of thing though OP but I don't see how you can complain he's been with someone else and not told you when you have, by mutual agreement, such a casual set up.

The agreement was we were dating (for six months), but it was open in that we were both ok to see other people IF we were honest when we did date someone else for sexual health reasons. That was the arrangement, it's not exactly unusual as arrangements go for open things. He wasn't honest when he started seeing someone else though.

@MarilynMerlot - you're right that this guy is not the right partner for this arrangement; he's not honest.

And it's okay not to want an open relationship.

I think he's telling her he's fallen in love with you because he doesn't want her to expect him to commit to her. It seems that he had not actually told you that he had fallen in love with you - he's only told her that to suit his agenda. He's shown he can't be trusted and in an open relationship, you need to be able to trust your partner to be honest.