Ex does not respect my privacy..

[cocobamba]

Have never posted before but really could do with some advice regarding my ex. Been divorced just over a year, a very acrimonious break up - my decision - he was upset but found someone else within weeks and has lived with her ever since. Sold family home this year and moved to my own house. To start with our relationship appeared to improve - something I've always wanted for the sake of our 2 DCs - initially he would ask if he could come to the house, which I was quite happy about so long as I was here. He then started coming to see DC when I was at work which, whilst I want him to see them, made me feel uncomfortable. He rarely has children overnight so I never get a break (they are teenagers so not so bad but!) My problem is that even though I have asked him not to, he has again started coming into my house (albeit briefly) when I am not here - I feel he isn't respecting my privacy at all. It just isn't right. He was a very controlling, verbally abusive person to me and I finally got the courage to leave after many unhappy years. I would appreciate any advice.

Change the locks?

Its your house.

The answer is simple.

Change the locks and/or tell him to keep the fuck out of your property.

Tell your teenagers if they want to see him it is at his place or he picks them up and takes them somewhere unless you are present.

I'm sorry, but I don't see a problem here.

I agree with Mrsfederer. You're away from him now and I don't think you could just go to his house whenever you felt like it. Lay down some boundaries.

You could maybe try and arrange a regular time for him to visit, or make arrangements to meet him away from your home.

You need your own routine and if I were you I'd change the locks and don't give him a key. If he asks to come round, say things like "well, I won't be in till 6pm then I have to make dinner etc so hows about 8pm?"

This is exactly why exh and i dont get along anymore, because he would not leave my private life alone, and thought he had a right to interfere

I agree you shuld change the locks.

Then tell him v clearly he is never to do it again, and if he does you will call the police

(My exh was as you describe yours, coupled with being an alcoholic)

Thank you all for your replies. Was out all day yesterday so only just replying. He does not have a key to my house, but feels free to come in when picking up kids knowing that I am not here! I have told him if he wants to see kids he has to take them out (they refuse to go to his house because of his girlfriend). For a long time I have tried to insist on boundaries/a routine which would be beneficial for us all, but he just wont do it. Yes, Lou33, if he does it again I will threaten to call the police (only that will probably get through to him)though he's so arrogant he thinks he's above the law!. I know it's not a huge problem as not with him now and kids getting older all the time. Thanks again for the replies.

yes that sounds like my ex too

he (mine and yours) want it their way because they want to control our actions still

i am now at a point i can laugh most of it over my head, and show no reactions to him (mostly) when we communicate

anything other than indifference gives them what they want, which is the knowledge they have got to you in some way

Good luck coco.

Make sure he knows you mean business !

Thank you both for your messages. Couldn't agree with you more Lou, that is exactly what he's like - I am fairly indifferent to him now but he is such a jekyll and hyde character, you never quite know who you're getting! Anyway, thanks for the support, felt very down the other night, but much better now. Rather be alone forever than end up with another conrolling man!

controlling !

that's exactly how i feel

i would never go back

Mine too seems to think he can look after DCS at mine and sometimes complains that no food in the fridge.

Er the night in the week you have them you are meant to provide them with tea.

I sometimes just don't give the key.

Think it's going to get worse because he just moved in with DP about 20 minutes drive away (tho he does not drive so takes alot longer on public transport).

Informed me that he will no longer be able to have them for 'sleepover' on a school night. (meaning I can now never see on/off (rather an apt description man during the week)

And seems to think his new DP is being benevolent because she has agreed that they can stay over three nights per week for first three weeks of school holidays
( we agreed that he would have them for the first three weeks of school holidays and as I work full time I am a bit stuck).

Yes all on his terms and for his convenience. I am so tired of trying to reinforce our agreement.

Sorry for ramble hope I haven't killed the thread.

it is so draining isnt it?

i recently got an email from my exh which was full of bullshit really, loads of promises i have heard time and again

i told him i have heard it all before, and it means nothing to me

Bullshit yes I love that word.

Have had bullshit from three different guys this week, was only able to tell one though.

First from on/off exbf man - he looked shocked and think he has disappeared again!!

Second from DS1s football manager who slagged off a group of 11yr olds. Think it was so about his own issues.

Third online dating correspondent who came on v. strong and then went silent. After a little nudge from me came out with a lot of bs.

None from exH this week

I love men I really do but I do hate the bs!!

And I ain't gonna contact any of them!!!

Football manager is dithering too (as to whether he is continuing with the team). Cue 13 disappointed and demoralised boys

men eh? cant live with them, cant kill them