am i just being a bitch?? long winded x

[lydiathetattooedlady]

long winded, please bear with me!
me and dp have been together just over two years, have a dd 15 months. do the math, only together 3-4 months when got pregnant, obv, not planned.
what im basically asking for advice on is whether anyone else has been in similar situation where they weren't together very long and got pregnant, and if the relationship lasted? without meaning to 'bitch' about him, the behaviour that upsets me most is:

we have no sex life, he used to always be 'up for it' but no longer wants to.
although he clearly loves dd he never takes her out when he has her on days off.
he never wants to do anything as a family, the last time we had a family trip was on dd's birthday. before that...i dunno...is doing the weekly shop a family outing?
he's moody, he doesn't act very interested in me, tho says he loves me. evenings are spent with me in one room him in another, if we go to bed at the same time its a miracle!
he's from a family where they are quite traditional and i believe he would stay with me because we have a dd and thats expected of him, where as im from a totally different background and believe an un-happy relationship makes un-happy children (personal experience!)
im so miserable at the minute yet when i try and talk to him he says he thinks nothing wrong with us and that everythings fine, he doesn't even argue back he just goes moody and walks off.
HELP!

oh and he's also made it perfectly clear that i am no to expect a marriage proposal or him to say yes to another child within the next 4-5 years.

He sounds like quite a catch

Are you me lydia???!!!!!

Are you me lydia???!!!!!

oh - that sounds romantic!

you need to talk, and i mean talk

you are clearly unhappy and he is as he is avoiding actually talking to you

it is nice for him to say he loves you, but it needs to be backed up with actions

instead of retreating ot different rooms in the evening, cook a meal and then sit togetehr to eat, and chat (perhaps with a bottle of wine)and tell him how you feel

I'd known Dh about 6 weeks when I managed to get pregnant
13 years later we are married, 2 DDs, mortgage, dog etc etc. and not because we felt we had to or should. We even shag ocasionally too.

Think he needs to decide if family life is what he really wants and if not to bugger off and let you get on with it. if he does then telling you you are not to expect things isn't on. sorry.

Go and sit on him.

yes, I do mean on, not with.

You can't ignore someone who is sitting on you. Start talking to him while you are sitting on him. he can't ignore it.

RS- i'd gladly sit him down for a meal i always try it but he's not interested, and he has anawful habit of taking his plate and leaving the table before me and dd have finished eating! arrgghh i hate it its so rude!

NTO-we've got all that too a mortgage a betty (our dog!)
its strange i think he's one of these people who could quite happily be in a loveless relationship because its easy.
i think what is probably stopping him thinking of leaving is that when dd was born i wanted to move back to my home town to be near my family(was previously living 200 miles away!) and he moved giving up his friends and family and got a new job. if we separated he'd either be on his own with no friends/family or be back with them but a duaghter he would rarely see!

colditz i may try that, he gets in at 4 from work so i may set an alarm for just before he gets in and force him too or he can't go to bed!

he leaves the table whilst you are still eating - that is really rude!

think Colditz's plan sounds the best

i know it drives me mad! he doesn't do it when we are at his parents though, so goodness knows where he's picked this up from!

If he doesn't do it at his parents then he does know better, it's pure lack of respect. Point out that he is setting a bad example!

He is not really in a relationship with you from that description.
Do you want to stay with him?
You might well want another child in the next year or two but it doesn't sound like this relationship is very good.
You need to tell him what you think (if you would risk losing him).

X- i do want another child im one of 6 and we were born quite close together and all still now have a fantastic relationship, but i can't carry on like this.
my mum was/is very independant and i do most of the care for dd even though i work full time, he is mainly on nights, so i know i can cope on my own. i have been 'taught' by my mum that a husband is not the be all and end all. i do love him and don't want to lose him but don't want to be miserable too, if that makes sense?? i just know the rest of my family will see me as a disappointment if it all goes tits up. my nan keeps saying- 'you want to get a ring on your finger, he can't leave you then' and 'no one wants somebody elses burden (ie dd!)'

Well it sounds like he doesn't want to be in a couple relationship with you, and I can't see why you would want to be in a couple relationship with him (or anyone who so demonstrably doesn't want to be your romantic partner).
Work out a plan of action by consulting CAB or similar about your legal rights, financial situation etc, because you need to know this stuff in order to stop short any rubbish about how he will bankrupt you, make you homeless or take custody of your DD. While he doesn't want you as a partner he probably doesn't mind putting up with you as a domestic appliance (ie you cook for him, clean the house, wash his clothes and if he ever feels like it he gets to have sex with you).
Sit him down and say that you see no point in continuing to live as a couple but you want to work out the best way to be amicable co-parents to your DD. Making the change from 'couple' to 'co-parents' now will make things better for all 3 of you, there is no point in staying in your current situation because the longer you let it drag on, the more likely you will end up hating this man. If not for the PG you would probably have split up within 6 months anyway: much as you love your DD there is no need to spend the rest of your life miserable, and it's not good for her to do so either.

M-thanks for the advice, i think i need someone to be blunt with me to get my backside in to gear to do something about it, otherwise id trundle along ignoring the situation!
its so easy for the days to turn in to weeks when he's on nights as i go for days with hardle any contact with him.

I trundled on for 19 years in an unhappy marriage. I did get 5 lovely children out of it but I probably did stay in it too long.

I am another one who stayed far too long in an unhappy marriage - 13 yes. Your p sounds a bit like mine with regard to no sex and his attitude to family life.

TBH I was unhappy from about two years in but I stayed out of misplaced loyalty (and a mother who dislikes divorce).

I have two lovely DCs and don't regret them of course but i do regret staying with him so long.

I am so much happier now even though it's hard being a single parent. I am more myself!!

13 years even!! LOL