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Relationships

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Original poster

DP has done my head in on 12 week scan day

15 replies

julietaboolie · 30/06/2008 20:19

Supposed to be a really happy day, we saw our baby for the first time.

However, I have suspected for a week that DP has told me a lie.

He has this ex - from another country - all the way through our relationship he's helped her with stuff, and been for dinner/to the theatre with her. I got angry about this once and ever since then he's lied about it a couple of times. I've caught him out on several occasions, and have asked him to please be honest with me. I know there's nothing romantic going on between them, but she's a very needy, demanding person who just would not leave him alone for a whole year.

He didn't hear from her for ages recently until last week when she announced she'd met a man from the internet, got engaged to him and was moving to London with him and her son (NOT my DP's).

I have a strong feeling that DP met up with her last Monday night for a goodbye dinner. He told me he was out on his bike in the hills, but he was very very vague. A look through his mobile showed that there were several calls between him and her that day, one of 6 seconds in the early evening (when he was supposed to be on his bike), just long enough for him to say "I'm outside" whilst picking her up.

I can't get this out of my head. On the one hand I will NOT be lied to when I am carrying his child. On the other hand, she's gone now, he has no need to lie to me again, and I'm not sure I can cope with the inevitable row that will ensue.

I don't know whether to leave it or kick off.

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 30/06/2008 20:21

The mature thing would be to leave it alone. That is NOT what I would do

RubySlippers · 30/06/2008 20:23

if he is a genuinely nice guy and helping her out, and you got angry, of course he wouldn't tell you again!

if there has been nothing going on, and you have no reason to not trust him i think you should just leave things

what is to be gained by a row?

Hassled · 30/06/2008 20:27

I have a big problem with people lying - that would be the bit I couldn't easily forgive and forget. Trust is just so important - and you seem to trust that nothing too dodgy happened, but it's the lying that's the problem. Especially on the back of you telling him to be honest with you.
I don't know what I'd do - I think I would kick off. Probably not the most mature response though .

Original poster

julietaboolie · 30/06/2008 20:27

What is to be gained by a row? If he can lie about this quite comfortably, what else can he lie to me about?

I got angry because he was so shady and defensive all the time. She would be in his house doing her washing, I would ring, she'd answer the phone and slam it straight down when it was me. And he always refused to introduce her to me, even though she was a friend.

So I was always paranoid about her, really.

OP posts:

youcannotbeserious · 30/06/2008 20:28

The mature, right thing to do is to leave it.

what I would do is not leave it....

RubySlippers · 30/06/2008 20:30

well, have a mature discussion then rather than a row

be calm, say what you have in your second post and tell him why you feel so upset

if you have the same argument again and again you need to try disucssing things in a different way

WinkyWinkola · 30/06/2008 20:34

How is it right to leave it when he could be lying to his partner and the mother of his child?

It's not mature to kick off a row about it, true but if you don't trust him when he tells you something like his going bike riding, then you have serious issues in your relationship anyway.

I would sit down and, without getting angry if you can, tell him what your suspicions are. Let him talk too. Then if you are convinced by his side of the story, move on to talk about why it is you don't trust and how this is really important for your relationship.

It is very very important you don't get stressed out and too upset. Try to focus on making your relationship better than on this one issue of this woman. It's important you sort it out because she could pop up again or someone else who is needy could make demands on your DP.

Original poster

julietaboolie · 30/06/2008 20:44

I do see his logic here, anything for a quiet life. But it's on top of our other row, I'm due Dec 30th and his band are playing a gig on NYE - which he's refusing to pull out of if the baby hasn't arrived by then. So I feel like it's either head along to his gig in a packed, rough town centre pub, massively pregnant and overdue, or stay in by myself on NYE hoping that the baby doesn't come.

AIBU?

Or is this normal for someone hormonal like me?

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 30/06/2008 20:53

Well, he can dash home from his gig should labour kick in, can't he? And if it's your first, the baby is unlikely to arrive quickly.

Let him do his gig. It's important to have some normality.

I don't know why you'd want to go out on NYE though. All the jostling and bumping about.

Why don't you and a girlfriend hang out together that night and watch a DVD, have a facial and relax. Because you're not going to get much kip after the baby is here!

Guitargirl · 30/06/2008 20:57

I think I would speak to him about it, otherwise it will just build up in your head and is likely to explode if you have an argument about something else anyway. I wouldn't mention that you had checked his phone though - just go with female instinct or something.

Re the gig on NYE, is it local? I think (personally) I would prob be ok with that as long as he wasn't drinking and his mobile was on and on vibrate or something. (Definitely wouldn't go myself, wouldn't enjoy it at that stage). Do you know what your plan getting to the hospital is going to be, will he be driving? I was overdue with DD on NYE 2 years ago, DP fell asleep on the sofa at 10pm and I spent most of the night either cuddled up under a blanket watching crappy tellie or googling stories of induction to scare myself with .

Good luck with talking to him if that's what you decide to do. I know from experience it's not easy when you're swimming with hormones .

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/06/2008 22:36

Confront him. Out of order. My DH has an ex like that. She lves in another country thank God but he 'omits' to tell me when she has got in contact as he doesn't want to have a row...Grrr! I can't get a complete handle on it but I think she's a bit barmy

justageek · 30/06/2008 22:49

its not about the gig, its not about the ex is it but the lies about it? Its about wanting to feel his to priority, knowing you are his number one. You are going to be due his baby on the 30th of december, but he is still going to a gig, knowing this... i am sure it mustnt give you a lot of faith for the future.

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all, it doesnt wash with me, this rubbish about, oh you got angry at him once, so thats an excuse for him to lie, bollocks.

You SHOULD be his number one, he should NOT lie to you about something that is making you feel sad and worried, and if he is able to get out of this gig around your due date, then he should do that too. Its not every day you are due to have a baby and i dont care how many kids you may have had before, labour is always unpredictable and showing your partner you are there for them at such a nervous time is essential.

I hope he pulls himself together before your baby arrives.

FlirtyThirty · 01/07/2008 09:16

Ok...thoughts on NYE and the Ex...

The EX. My DH had an ex that he used to go to dinner with/theatre/cook for etc etc when we were first going out. They were good friends I was continualy told. It ate me up inside. I hated her being around so much I used to be physically sick on days I knew they were togrther. Nothing ever happened between them. They were indeed just 2 friends and it was my issue to get over. After 5 years and her moving to another town, I have done that - so it is possible to not see her as a threat with time. What troubles me abiout your OH is the lying. My DH never lied to me about seeing this girl, in spite of knowing that I would hate it. So, I would certinaly sit him down and say that you suspect he saw her, and whilst you're not happy about it you understand he may have wanted to say goodbye; BUT that you're very hurt he may havelied to you. Give him an amnesty to come clean this once on condition he NEVER lies to you again.

NEW YEAR. I am horrified that his band's gig comes ahead of your baby's birth. And frankly even if baby wasn't due til the following fortnight, I would have expected him to WANT to spend those last few days with you. So, for me, it's not you being hormonal - it's quite sad.

2rebecca · 01/07/2008 15:52

My husband's a part time musician, babies can be from 3 weeks early to 2 weeks late, do you really expect him to put his life on hold for 5 weeks? I don't see the difference between a man going to work during the day and going to work at night. Why would it be OK for him to have a day job near baby's birth but not an evening job?
Sounds like you're being a bit controlling.
I would hate the lying, but then I had an exboyfriend I met up with occasionally (once every 2 or 3 years). My husband always knew when I met him but he always lied to his wife as he said she went mental if she heard my name. Blokes do sometimes go for an easy life, and don't like feeling they're under the thumb and can't choose their friends.
If he feels he has to obey your orders on all aspects of his life he'll feel emasculated, give the guy a bit of space.

Original poster

julietaboolie · 01/07/2008 16:57

He has as much space as he likes, 2rebecca. He doesn't have to obey my orders and we wouldn't be together if he did.

He goes off for his weekends climbing with thev boys, no problems there. I have no problems with him playing in the band. All I'm asking is for him to put a contingency plan into place so IF baby's not born by then or has been born in the few days preceding, we at least have a get out clause. I do not, and never would, expect him to put his life on hold. Think you've got a cheek assuming that I would, to be honest.

I have never gone mental when I heard her name. He has plenty of other female friends I have no problem with. I have encouraged him to talk about her. I have even encouraged him to introduce her. In the meantime, she has bombarded him with texts telling him she loves him, misses him, walked into his house unannounced while he and I were in bed together (before I moved in). I got angry, ONCE. That does NOT give him the right to lie to me continually.

So cut me some slack, yeah?

OP posts:

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