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Original poster

Pretty damn lost ...

26 replies

Oatmom24 · 30/09/2026 14:40

Hi... I'm not sure if this is the place, but I'm so lost at this point... I'm trying anything. I thought about labeling it AIBU, but... I'm too torn between emotions to consider what position I stand in at the moment on a title. My fiancé and I have been together for 4 years; there is a big age gap, and a LOT of moving parts that play a role in the enormous mound of dysfunction that lies within our lives... but my biggest reason for coming here now is... he's got addiction problems, we have one child biologically, 2 stepkids that are his that range in ages, and I am currently pregnant with one on the way. I have left once for narcotic problems... problems that I just let happen because I did love him... and I wanted us to be a family, but I have an entire history of mental and physical abuse because of both drug and alcohol addictions. It, like, shell-shocked me to think that it was somehow creeping into my reality again... so I left, and he then promised never to do it again... and I came back, and he hasn't, but then he picked up drinking... and became extremely mentally abusive... the worst of things you could think... to the point of telling me he hated his life because of me... while I'm pregnant with our next one.... I left... again.. But he again swore off the drinking... hasn't drunk in a month, is now doing everything I asked, AFTER I LEFT! Yet again.. told me he didnt see it that bad, that he didnt know it was that bad meanwhile i was telling him every week, and his response was "lets just break up if you feel that way"... Im prettty sure i built a trauma bond with his actions, but we also have kids.. and they love their dad, no matter what he did, and i hid so much from them... but now, after i got to the true point of being done, hes doing everything right or at least trying to.. but i still feel so lost.. so broken.. so disconnected.. am i too far done to try and try and overcome what has happened.. and i wrong for feeling this way, while hes doing evrything i had wanted him to do all these years now.. am i wrong to think i should give me self the peace i know i feel when im not with him?... my biggest hurdle and stop is our son.. hes so young and loves his father.. and i see his father telling him in the later years that i was the one who ended it .. after he stopped the wrong crap.. I feel so conflicted, so... guilty for even thinking of breaking us up... but before this, I had finally found the courage to leave... but he begged me to come back... I don't know what to feel, say, or do... I'm sorry for the long message

OP posts:
CharlotteByrde · 30/09/2026 14:46

I think you'd be better off posting on Alcohol Support rather than Relationships. The support thread for those affected by someone else's drinking would be most helpful. We're very welcoming but we're blunt about what life will probably be like if you go back to him.

Pumpkinsaregrowingnicely · 30/09/2026 14:48

Unfortunately he is already in a committed relationship..
That will always come first..
Ltb and don't look back.

Atriangleabout · 30/09/2026 14:48

I would feel very very guilty for subjecting my child to this environment and not one iota of guilt about breaking up

Truly astonishing you don’t see how harmful this is for the children involved

Atriangleabout · 30/09/2026 14:49

but I have an entire history of mental and physical abuse because of both drug and alcohol addictions.

are social services involved?

PaperMachePanda · 30/09/2026 14:51

Stop subjecting your children to this nonsense.

Leave and make it permanent.

CharlotteByrde · 30/09/2026 14:51

@Atriangleabout she has nothing to feel guilty about. She has put her child first and she has left him. She is doing amazingly well.

Original poster
Oatmom24 · 30/09/2026 14:52

This comment was about my parents, its how i grew up, nothing to do with me, im as sober as sober could possibly get, i dont even drink.

OP posts:
Atriangleabout · 30/09/2026 14:53

CharlotteByrde · 30/09/2026 14:51

@Atriangleabout she has nothing to feel guilty about. She has put her child first and she has left him. She is doing amazingly well.

You need to reread
this is far from over as it stands

Original poster
Oatmom24 · 30/09/2026 14:53

I will try that, thank you

OP posts:
Atriangleabout · 30/09/2026 14:54

and a LOT of moving parts that play a role in the enormous mound of dysfunction that lies within our lives... but my biggest reason for coming here now is... he's got addiction problem

so it’s not just the addiction. There’s lots of
Other things too? Like what?

Original poster
Oatmom24 · 30/09/2026 15:00

two other baby moms, he doesnt know how to parent without guilt, he seems to be stuck in this revolving door of constant anguish that he cant let him self escape... almost like its an excuse... I finally got him into therapy but then he tells me a few of the things his therapist says and i feel like i put him in a position for a child to be speaking with a child, and what i hear my therapist say about what is going on about an exact same situation and what his says.. i am left like .. jaw dropped. but its still therapy so, i have to be happy about that right ?

OP posts:
donotknowhowtofeel · 30/09/2026 15:08

I think the one thing you are absolutely right about is the HUGE amount of dysfunction here. You can see it while you are in it, trust me the choice will be so crystal clear to you when you have even a modicum of distance from this situation. Your kids deserve better than a childhood thinking this dysfunction is normal.

Atriangleabout · 30/09/2026 15:08

Nothing absolutely nothing about this is remotely a healthy environment for children Op

Please forget about him and your relationship.

Please

Where are you living? Is he paying maintenance?

ScorpionLioness79 · 30/09/2026 15:38

People who've broken up co-parent all the time. Yes, your son loves his father and that will continue with custody visits. Conjuring some fear about your son resenting you in the future for leaving his father is an unreasonable reason to stay. It takes a lot for a child to not want to have anything to do with a parent, and you could always speak to his father about not harming the child by talking negatively about each other, and keeping him out of adult business it would hurt him to know.

It's okay to feel it's too little, too late. You have one precious life on the planet, so you shouldn't be some sacrificial lamb and suck it up because of everyone else's wishes.

What is your plan to live independently from him?

Original poster
Oatmom24 · 30/09/2026 15:58

I am okay with him co-parenting... if he will, only on the accounts that he stays sober.. ive seen him when hes not and i will not allow that around my child when im not there to prevent anything. but i dont like his skills of parenting to be honest hes a parent that just give what ever they want so they dont complain or whine.. candy when ever they want constant screen time.. when all my son wants to do is be active and play. I have means to be stable without him.. i have always figured it out.. but the thought of him never getting to his father because his father cant handle back and forth yet he does it for his other son whos older.... who as another part of the chaotic dsyfunction IS THE FAVORITE CHILD. hands down.... and i am scared my son will start to see that as he is older and resent things cause of it.. but theres nothing i can do about that truly at the end of the day.

OP posts:
Atriangleabout · 30/09/2026 17:22

The more you post, the more depressing it is to imagine 3 children swept up in all this

whippersnapper55 · 30/09/2026 17:41

I can only say that you've been really irresponsible to have conceived two children with this loser. You should leave and make sure that he doesn't have unsupervised contact with your children. But I doubt you will.

Freeme31 · 30/09/2026 18:54

What about your poor children you may love him bit have a duty to yourself and them to love them more. Why would you subject your children to this abuse?

Moreorleaswhatiexpected · 01/10/2026 06:54

It is all about you and how you feel.

Put your child first not going to happen

Tel12 · 01/10/2026 07:03

So this man has other children with different women? How many? Your only chance is to get away from him and build a new life where your children are not subjected to a father with addiction problems. He has nothing to offer a family. Nothing.

Seaoftroubles · 01/10/2026 07:32

Please leave him for good this time OP. If you've done it before you can do it again to protect your children. Stop prioritising your alcoholic partner and get away from him ASAP. You know this current state of affairs where he's behaving himself can't last. You need to put your children first and stop worrying about their future relationship with an addict, you can ensure he doesn't see them without supervision if that's your main worry.

Karmaiscool · 01/10/2026 08:13

@Oatmom24there's going to be two children brought into this chaos by your choices.
Stop deflecting about therapy and trauma bonds, the harsh fact is you've made poor choices.
You've left. Stick to your guns and start again with your current end expected children.
They might then stand a chance of having a decent childhood. This is your responsibility now.
Sorry to be so blunt but you need a reality check.

shhblackbag · 01/10/2026 08:34

Don't do this to your children. His primary relationship isn't with you.

SpryCat · 01/10/2026 09:07

His pathetic promises to change are empty, he is making excuses by telling you what his therapist is saying to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him and he is probably lying to justify his behaviour. You have to put you and your children first and leave him for good. Your son loves him and to him the toxicity he is growing up in is normal, you don’t want him and your unborn baby to grow up in an environment like you did. You don’t know what a healthy relationship is like because you were brought up with toxic parents so you are repeating your childhood by being with a toxic partner. Break this cycle of abuse for your children’s sake, leave him to his addictions and build a life for your children so they get a childhood they deserve full of safety and security. You deserved that too but now you are the adult who can chose to leave your partner and his addictions behind.
Once you leave him you can work on yourself because your traumatic childhood has conditioned you to be attracted to toxicity, even when a man is putting on an act in the beginning your mind recognises certain traits as familiar to your parents. I would read Robin Norwood ‘women who love too much’ as it explains it in depth much better than I can. You are treading the familiar road you had to in childhood but you have children now who deserve and need you to stop repeating the the pattern of being with a man as fucked up as your parents because you could no more save your parent from their own addiction as a child and can’t save this man as an adult. Save yourself and your children from trauma and abuse!

Quitelikeit · 01/10/2026 09:15

I would not go through with the pregnancy

You talk about this man and the worries you have around his parenting yet somehow it is of no issue to you to bring another child into his orbit? How does that work then

This whole relationship has disaster written all over it - meanwhile the more you expose your child to an addict the likelihood increases of them being one or becoming attached to one when they reach adulthood

Run. Run. Run.