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Am I expecting too much from my husband, or is our marriage becoming one-sided?

48 replies

loveiswhatwedeserve · 29/09/2026 09:18

Hi there ! i really need your advice! My husband and I are going through a difficult period and I would really appreciate an outside perspective.
He works a lot, earns significantly more than I do and spends much of his time away for work. My job is more flexible, so I handle most of the day-to-day life with our 10-year-old: school, activities, appointments, holidays, pick-ups, as well as much of the cooking, cleaning, groceries, household organisation and our dog. Sometimes I stop working to deal with family responsibilities and then work late at night to make up the hours.
I recognise that my husband works extremely hard and contributes much more financially. What hurts is that despite everything I do, he criticises how I manage things and has called me a bad mother, a bad wife and a “selfish bitch.” Money is also sometimes brought up during arguments.
I also feel increasingly emotionally neglected. He seems to have time and energy for work, our child and friends, but very little for me. When I try to explain how I feel, I often feel like he wants a quick, precise answer rather than actually having a conversation with his wife.
Our child has even started noticing the tension and trying to comfort me, which worries me a lot.
I know I am far from perfect and I am absolutely willing to recognise my own mistakes. But lately I have started wondering whether my husband still genuinely wants this marriage, or whether we are simply keeping the family functioning.
Am I expecting too much? How would you see this situation from the outside?

OP posts:
AshCullen1894 · 29/09/2026 12:40

Does he realise how his life will be impacted by divorce, and how 50-50 might not suit his new lifestyle? He sounds vile.

JHound · 29/09/2026 12:43

loveiswhatwedeserve · 29/09/2026 09:18

Hi there ! i really need your advice! My husband and I are going through a difficult period and I would really appreciate an outside perspective.
He works a lot, earns significantly more than I do and spends much of his time away for work. My job is more flexible, so I handle most of the day-to-day life with our 10-year-old: school, activities, appointments, holidays, pick-ups, as well as much of the cooking, cleaning, groceries, household organisation and our dog. Sometimes I stop working to deal with family responsibilities and then work late at night to make up the hours.
I recognise that my husband works extremely hard and contributes much more financially. What hurts is that despite everything I do, he criticises how I manage things and has called me a bad mother, a bad wife and a “selfish bitch.” Money is also sometimes brought up during arguments.
I also feel increasingly emotionally neglected. He seems to have time and energy for work, our child and friends, but very little for me. When I try to explain how I feel, I often feel like he wants a quick, precise answer rather than actually having a conversation with his wife.
Our child has even started noticing the tension and trying to comfort me, which worries me a lot.
I know I am far from perfect and I am absolutely willing to recognise my own mistakes. But lately I have started wondering whether my husband still genuinely wants this marriage, or whether we are simply keeping the family functioning.
Am I expecting too much? How would you see this situation from the outside?

It really saddens me how little women are conditioned to expect from romantic partners.

The uneven is not an issue in and of itself. His response to it and his response to you, is.

Why does he call you a bad mother and a bad wife.

poppymango · 29/09/2026 12:48

You're a scientist with a PHD and you do twice the work he does. The absolute gall of the man.

If he was really against getting a dog he should have said so at the time. He sees to have no problem making himself heard in other situations. It's a tiny dog, which you can clearly afford, and is something that evidently means a lot to your son as well as you... but it means he might have to dial back the holidays a bit. Just making sure I've got that right.

Just throwing this out there and I don't want to upset you here, but since you mentioned he is away a lot for work - is there any chance he could be having an affair? How long has he been treating you like this?

PickAChew · 29/09/2026 12:50

I'm surprised you even want to sleep with him, let alone considered another baby with him, with the way he speaks to you. He's abusive and your life would be much calmer without him.

PermanentTemporary · 29/09/2026 12:54

Do you call him names ever? Would you say you have a ‘volatile’ marriage (which tbh always sounds like hell to me, but we’re all different). I just can’t imagine dp calling me a bitch, it’s so far outside his radar, and that means I find it impossible to imagine how your relationship actually functions.

I have no doubt, I’m afraid, that this would be a difficult divorce with conflict involved, and it would have an impact on your child. However, the current state of your relationship will have an impact on them too. I would definitely try relationship counselling if only to be the best coparents you can be. Maybe there is a way back from this.

FamBae · 29/09/2026 12:59

I'm sorry op but you've turned into an appliance not a wife, and when you glitch his strategy is to put you firmly in your place.

Userengage · 29/09/2026 12:59

Rather than worrying about some woman replacing you, I’d feel sorry for her.

He’s rotten, why you would want another child with him? At least in eight years’ time you can step back on managing your child’s relationship with him if you leave him. Another baby would extend that.

loveiswhatwedeserve · 29/09/2026 14:09

@poppymango , about your question : Just throwing this out there and I don't want to upset you here, but since you mentioned he is away a lot for work - is there any chance he could be having an affair? How long has he been treating you like this?

well to be fair he is normally very honest about this matters since we have discussed about it, but he said to me: i promise if something would had happen i will tell you. this is what he said, i never check his phone nor his stuff because i dont want to be this kind of a person. And i am embarrassed to say he has been treating me like this since we got our son. i have been only hopeful and also blamed me about many things.... maybe also procrastinating a lot and not accepting many things....but i tell you one thing, i have never felt such a lower self-esteem as i do now. Before we ever meet i was honestly a shining star! and full of confidence.

OP posts:
loveiswhatwedeserve · 29/09/2026 14:12

@PermanentTemporary i only called him names once in our whole marriage, as respond to his insults. i felt attack and i did it back but he was super pissed afterwards and i was super scared. i am also not educated that way, i felt bad about myself and promised never to do that again, and i kept that promise, no matter what.

OP posts:
devildeepbluesea · 29/09/2026 14:19

You’re in a shitty marriage where you will be unable to do right whatever you do. He is using his earning power as a stick to beat you with and as a jail cell to keep you in. You know this because he brings literally nothing else to your marriage.

What you choose to do with that information is up to you. Personally, I’d be quietly collecting bank, pension, investment statements, getting passports etc and contacting a shit hot lawyer.

Crikeyalmighty · 29/09/2026 14:31

Is this an arranged marriage OP out of curiosity? Is he from a culture that often think women are second rate citizens? Your post kind of smacks of it to me. None of it is acceptable, even if he is, I’m just curious as to why he thinks it’s remotely OK to speak to his wife like this and yes treat you as if you are a lesser being? Whatever the case, get your ducks in a row, see solicitor asapfor advice and screw him over for every penny on maintanance, pension etc - you deserve it!! And in 18 months time with some distance in there you really won’t give a shiny shit who he is seeing , I promise you. They can build up to being called a bitch too!! The current closeness in terms of being in the same house makes all those feelings about him being with someone else so much worse.

loveiswhatwedeserve · 29/09/2026 14:37

@Crikeyalmighty not at all, he comes from Europe ! but maybe because he saw his mother dedicating her life for her 3 kids and staying at home?, maybe he wants that? his parents had a terrible divorce after 20 years ... and she has no money nor career now.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 29/09/2026 14:57

loveiswhatwedeserve · 29/09/2026 14:37

@Crikeyalmighty not at all, he comes from Europe ! but maybe because he saw his mother dedicating her life for her 3 kids and staying at home?, maybe he wants that? his parents had a terrible divorce after 20 years ... and she has no money nor career now.

Yep I think that’s in the equation- he sees you as someone there to facilitate it all because it’s learned, his dad was probably an arse too!! honestly OP you are worth so much more than this - I dont care if he’s successful, comfortably off, handsome - none of it is worth it if he’s making you unhappy and feeling totally unvalued . It happens, lots on mumsnet have felt that way and stayed for a long time for reasons similar to yours and nearly all end up splitting and realise 18 months later they didn’t care what poor sod he was seeing -

AshCullen1894 · 29/09/2026 15:37

This is a shitty marriage. The bar is in the dirt.

PickAChew · 29/09/2026 16:39

loveiswhatwedeserve · 29/09/2026 14:37

@Crikeyalmighty not at all, he comes from Europe ! but maybe because he saw his mother dedicating her life for her 3 kids and staying at home?, maybe he wants that? his parents had a terrible divorce after 20 years ... and she has no money nor career now.

If you did stay home, he'd be complaining about you spending his money. There would be no winning.

poppymango · 29/09/2026 17:04

PickAChew · 29/09/2026 16:39

If you did stay home, he'd be complaining about you spending his money. There would be no winning.

100% this.

I believe that in a lot of relationships which start out great and end up abusive, the switch comes around a point in time when things become more permanent, so it's harder for you to leave. I've read about guys who were the perfect man until literally the day after the wedding, and some who change as soon as the first baby is born. I don't know enough about you as a couple to definitively say whether he is genuinely abusive or just an arsehole, but something perhaps for you to mull over.

I would also recommend starting therapy if you can find the time, just for you. I think it would be really good to have a professional really hear you and give you the space to be totally honest. I think it will clarify a lot and give you the courage you need to do something about it.

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 29/09/2026 17:33

poppymango · 29/09/2026 17:04

100% this.

I believe that in a lot of relationships which start out great and end up abusive, the switch comes around a point in time when things become more permanent, so it's harder for you to leave. I've read about guys who were the perfect man until literally the day after the wedding, and some who change as soon as the first baby is born. I don't know enough about you as a couple to definitively say whether he is genuinely abusive or just an arsehole, but something perhaps for you to mull over.

I would also recommend starting therapy if you can find the time, just for you. I think it would be really good to have a professional really hear you and give you the space to be totally honest. I think it will clarify a lot and give you the courage you need to do something about it.

This is excellent advice @loveiswhatwedeserve .

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
💐

Boomer55 · 29/09/2026 17:44

I wouldn’t put up with abusive crap, but it won’t be that easy as a single mum. Good luck.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 29/09/2026 19:55

OP
Please contact a counsellor for yourself urgently. You need to get out and get perspective. You cannot get that hearing this awful stuff every day. You are damaging yourself and your child. Do it for your child if not for you. Xxx

FinallyHere · 29/09/2026 20:03

I’m so sorry you are going though this.

Do you really think you would regret his moving on to someone else. Before they know it, they will be the “bad mother, bad wife and selfish bitch “

Please don’t allow him to say those things to you again, ever. If ever there was a reason to divorce someone, this would be it.

Whatever else you might have to face, how could it equal being called such names by the person who is supposed to love you and have your back. Might you be regretting what might have been with him, rather than the relationship you actually have with him ?

loveiswhatwedeserve · 29/09/2026 20:45

thank you all for the advices 🙏

OP posts:
Woodfiresareamazing2 · 29/09/2026 22:37

Hi @loveiswhatwedeserve
It sounds to me like your (not D)H, like many, thinks he's king of the household because he earns more money.
Despite you doing EVERYTHING else, AND working full-time in a demanding job.

He is probably on some level jealous of your education (a PhD is not easy to get, so congratulations on achieving that), but he can't let you see that.

I think you need to switch your thinking from 'how can I not upset and provoke him any more' to 'how can I stop him mistreating and bad mouthing me, especially in front of my son'.
If he can't respect you, and all you do, then you have a big problem.

And another brain switch - think about what, if any, reasons there could be to stay married to him. And the many reasons there could be to divorce him.

Counselling would be a good starting point for you to work through all these issues and decide what you really want.

💐

Toilettalk · 29/09/2026 22:47

I could have written your post. I’m in exactly the same boat and I’m extremely close to leaving. Hard to see it when you’re in it x

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