Anyone else really want their MIL to think they are a good mother?

[genia]

Hi
We are due to go and see dh's family in a while for a night or possibly two, and as usual I am kind of dreading it - though feel better now that I have done all the packing. First of all I bring a MOUNTAIN of stuff and it takes AGES to organise (ds is 14 months), secondly I get really stressed out at the thought of going there though in general I have a much better time than I expect when I get there. My MIL has 6 children and almost 7 grandchildren (ds's cousin is going to be born any day now) and is a very experienced baby watcher. You also know that she is watching you and the way you are doing things and for some reason I really crave her approval. Does anybody else have this? Also anything which she does say to me (eg. don't wipe ds's nose with kitchen towel (one off) as it is too rough) feels like a criticism and a condemnation of my mothering skills. Another example, yesterday ds fell against his toy basket and scratched his forehead quite badly. I've already told myself that I have to tell her this as I don't want her to think it's because I haven't cut his nails.
Also, and this is going to sound ridiculous because I know it is the way of things (we have all had doting grandparents, or at least those of us who were lucky enough to know them), but I am kind of jealous of the fact that she loves ds and dh but obviously not me????? Do I need my head examined?

Hi genia, I know what you mean about thinking she's watching, and thinking that every comment she makes is a veiled criticism. I am very lucky with my MIL, though, and I know she does love me (as much as dh & dds? - I don't know), and in fact I think she thinks I'm much more reliable and sensible than her own son!
She is a very doting grandmother, and what annoys me about that is that (in my eyes, anyway) she favours dd1 over dd2. She tries very hard to be fair, but dd1 was a much longed-for, long-awaited first grandchild, and I don't think she'll ever see her other 2 grandchildren in the same light.
Funnily enough, my grandparents, although loving, were not doting in the same way as my children's grandparents are - they were (and are in my grandma's case - the only one still alive) quite detached.
Sorry, you started me on one there!

No!!! She was a crap mother and an even worse grandmother! She doesn't 'do' children in any shape or form - why did she have any????
HER mother though is the sweetest, most gorgeous woman and I DO want her to think I'm a good mother - I care very much what she thinks. funnily enough, she is the least judgmental person in the world!!

Sobernow we're the same my mum died 11 years ago (and never liked children anyway would have much rather have had a dog - speaking of which she probably wouldn't have spoken to me ever again because we had to get rid of the dog when ds started crawling and the dog started snapping) and dp's mam died 3 years ago. I knew I was never good enough for dp (he walked on water as far as his mam was concerned) and I probably wouldn't be doing anything right for ds (especially by going back to work) not that she would say anything. She was a lovely woman. I feel rather sad that ds is missing out as I had two wonderful nans that I used to spend my summers with. I especially miss my mum's mum who died while I was pg with ds. Ds was 7 weeks old when dp's mam died (of cancer) and the last thing she did was go shopping with us to buy loads and loads of things for ds (2 days before she died). At least she died happy she had done it, she was only hanging on for ds to be born.

Genia - I know exactly what you mean - I take every little remark my MIL makes as a criticism - although I always vow not to do it. My MIL has very fixed (and old fashioned) ideas on how children should behave and be dressed etc and I know that I can never live up her standards. My SIL says that the problem is that she can not accept the fact that her sons are now husbands, and that her grandchildren are not her own children - she just cannot let someone else have the responsibility of bringing them up. Still I do think that grandparenting is a very special skill - there is a very fine line between supporting and interfering. Anyway I am taking it all in for the future and only hope that when it is my turn I will remember some of the most annoying things and not do them - like addressing comments to my DS and not to me "There now don't you look beautiful" when dressed in pale blue and "What a little toughie you look" when dressed in denim!

AnnieMo, your message reminded me of my SIL, who is very much into "dressing girls as girls". When dd1 was about 1 (and SIL had no children at that point), she took her upstairs to get her dressed for me. Unbeknownst to her, the monitor was still on, and we caould all hear her rooting through the drawers and saying to dd "let's try and find you some girls' clothes to wear for a change". She was highly embarrased when she came down, personally I found it hilarious!

I know what you mean, genia - I always get far more stressed about my dmil visiting than my own mum. For some reason, I do care much more that she thinks I am a good mum/wife. I go to insane lengths to clean the house before her arrival for example - which really IS insane, as she is not a "cleaner" of her own house by any standards (at her own admission - dfil does the dusting and vac). I know she is "watching" and feel like she is taking notes, like she is going to report everything to my dsil or something (who I also feel the need to impress, as she has two teenage kids who have turned out so well). Sometimes there are little comments, some more subtle than others - like when dd had the sniffles after we had been swimming at dsil's pool the day before, along the lines of maybe it had been a little cool for swimming. Grr. Some of her old-fashioned ideas drive me batty. Like when dd was born and I was demand bf'ing, she rang me while I was still in hospital (ie dd was only two days old) and said "Every time I call you, you're feeding that baby!" Like, duh!

But although we got off to a bad start, I know now that she loves me and is glad dh married me. And there are times when she sides with me, against him, which is really startling! (To cut a long story short, I was the "other woman" in the early days, ie dh broke up with his then gf - who she really liked - to be with me...dmil stopped talking to dh for about a month, actually disowned him, and I was given the cold shoulder for quite some time...eventually, she got over it!)

Sorry to rant on, but no you are not alone and you are not crazy!

Oh and I forgot, there's that gem of a line "Now I'm not interfering, but..." which you know always means that she is about to do exactly that!

Actually the time at MIL's house went fine. We stayed there from Sunday to Wednesday so now I feel that we have done our dh's family duty for a while. My MIL was supportive and helpful - on her own turf I find her much easier - only once did she kind of get on my nerves and I think that happens when she is tired or anxious. I'm sure I'll be annoyed again in the future at some time but as they say, pick your battles (even if they are only mental battles)!

Mollipops - One of my MIL favourites is to give advise and then end with ...... "but its up to you".

Lol, know it well. Dh also uses a similar one - "Whatever you think"

Oh you make me feel so lucky!! Although I had a MIL from hell - my first husband's mother was a nightmare and he was a real mummy's boy. Even after he ran off with my best friend and got her pregnant shortly after - I was still the b from hell and that is why he had to leave me!! She was always trying to tell me what to do and how to do it and so on. Interfering does not even come close to describing her behaviour.

MY dh(no2) mother is wonderful. She is so delighted her son and I are married and I can do no wrong. She thinks I do a fabulous job with dd. Dd was born with a heart defect and down Syndrome and I can do no wrong again in Dmil eyes with regard to caring for her and my husband.

I do get funny when people comment on what I do and how I do it though - like I have to prove I am a good mother. You know when someone said about burping my daughter after feeding that patting her on the back and such did no real good and just changing her position to lying along my arm face down would work better!! I suddenly felt like I had to justify why I did it my way!! Weird huh?!?!? Dd is my first and as time goes on I am sure I will get better at taking well meaning advice.

just recovering from having my dmil/dfil for whole weekend. I have 3 kids, lots of animals, work etc. When they left they said "thanks for a lovely rest" so you can see how much they helped this weekend. Nearly said something sat pm, 10.30pm after I had served them home cooked 3 course meal, dh upstairs as dd woken up, I go into kitchen to wash up, they came in, saw what I was doing, gave me a kiss goodnight and went to bed! Was too gobsmacked to do other than stand there and finish washing up!!! PS they are not old and frail- in case you think I am heartless bitch!

Sorry to brag but my mil is an angel. My 3 kids have all had colds and are not sleeping well,and she phoned me on Saturday morning offering to come round so I could go back to bed, which I did, for five blissful hours.
She moved house to be nearer us so she could help with the kids.